Everyone is a somebody
by TKR.87
Summary: Casey Novak lost herself during her censure, and now she has returned, is struggling to find her purpose. This is her story, told from her point of view. Life leads her down a path she never expected to go, and somewhere along the line, she finds love and laughter, but will she find herself. Pairings: A/C with mentions of A/O.
1. Chapter 1

**So while working on my current story, MOSH, I had this idea to write from Casey's point of view, her story from when she returns after her censure. I am really enjoying writing Alex and Casey pairings so that is what this will eventually become. **

**Disclaimer: I can dream every night but the reality is I do not own the Characters of SVU. Just thought I would clear that up. **

**I hope you enjoy this one. **

Chapter 1:

You'd think at 34 I'd have gotten past this nervousness, but my confidence still rates somewhere above zero but not quite reaching 1 on a scale. How do you even measure confidence anyway?

It's not that I hate myself, I wouldn't say that exactly but new situations and certainly new people total freak me out, I am never prepared to engage in a conversation and as soon as the subject of myself comes around, I turn into some weird species that blushes constantly and loses the ability to speak.

Which makes me laugh because I'm an Assistant District Attorney; it's my job to address people. I stand in a court an argue a case, trying to urge the jurors to find the defendant guilty yet the minute it comes around to my feelings, I just lose focus, I lose every normal bodily function I have.

Bringing me to the focus of my story, as I take you back to the very beginning, back to when I returned from my censure and went back to working at SVU. I was back on a trial basis, under the watchful and often wandering eye of Alexandra Cabot.

Alexandra Cabot, if anyone makes me nervous, it's her. Not only is she a brilliant and extremely competent Attorney, who was my predecessor when I first started working with SVU, but she is and I mean this, stunningly beautiful. With her blonde hair, and blue eyes, long legs and flat stomach, Alexandra IS the definition of Beauty.

I first met Alexandra or Alex as I now call her back when I had been with SVU for around a year. I had still assumed she was dead, having been shot by a drug cartel connected to a case she was working. However, it turns out, that she had in fact survived and been placed in Witness Protection. I remember feeling such a fool when I told Detectives Benson and Stabler to arrest Liam Connors for the murder of Alexandra Cabot and found out a short while later that she was in fact alive. Then she returned and I had to prosecute the case against Liam Connors, for killing the parents of Antonia Montoya, and the attempted murders of said Antonio and Cabot.

Then she was whisked away back into witness protection. I had heard during my censure that she had returned to SVU and what I had by then referred to as my job. But in reality, it was and had always been her job, she fit there like a piece of antique furniture, they were her detectives. And it was her Olivia Benson for the most part, I had heard.

But let's begin with my first day back at SVU, or my first day back at One Hogan Place, the District Attorney's Office.

* * *

I'm sitting in my office, at my desk, with my laptop open. I've just come back from a meeting with Liz Donnelly, where she had told me I would be back on a trial basis, sharing my docket with Alexandra Cabot, who would basically be minding me until I could be trusted to work by myself. This, as you can imagine did not please me although I guess in light of things, it was expected and deserved.

I hear a knock on the door, and it isn't the gentle tap, it's a hard rasp that startles me as I am lost in thought. "Come in" I manage to call after straightening myself on the chair and as I look up I suppress the urge to gasp, groan or murmur, and instead open my mouth and close it again as the blonde strides towards me and sits in the seat, crossing her legs

"Casey"

"Hi" I manage, and then feel like slapping my head to force my brain to be a little more eloquent.

"You know, I never did get to thank you properly" she says, and my head hurts trying to think about what she is thanking me for

"What for?" I say and abruptly too, I know how it sounds but this woman, she does something to me and it makes me act like a nervous teenager

"Getting me the justice I deserve" she says with a small smile

I nod "I was just doing my job Alexandra"

"Please, call me Alex. And never the less, thanks"

I nod again, my brain still trying to catch up with these events, but hopelessly flagging behind, my mouth luckily not moving without thought.

"So, I look forward to working with you" she smiles

"Uh yeah, baby sitting me more like" I bite out and then apologise "Sorry"

"It's okay. I know how it feels to return after years away, and feel out of place"

"Oh hardly Alex, you fit in anywhere. You were meant to be at SVU, I never even got close to being as liked as you" I say and again, want to slap myself silly for sounding like a bitch

I can tell I've hit a nerve as she shifts uncomfortably in the chair before sighing "It wasn't always like that"

"Really?" I ask raising a brow; she seems to just ease into everything and anywhere without effort

"Let me quote, 'I plan to stand on your shoulders to reach a broader constituency. Why would I do anything to shorten my grasp?' That is how I introduced myself to Captain Cragen the first time we met. I mean come on; can I be any more self assured?"

I laugh at this and receive the Cabot glare I've heard about "Sorry" I mutter "I turned up at a crime scene, the day after your death, giving a more hands on approach and introducing myself as your replacement"

"That went down well?"

"Seeing as your girlfriend looked as if she was going to cry, not particularly"

Alex gives a small smile at this "Olivia wasn't and isn't my girlfriend. We were and still are, very good friends"

"Oh come on. Everyone knows there was something more going on" I find myself getting more confident but really I know I'm just searching for information for my personal agenda

"Really, there wasn't" she sighs exasperatedly and I think maybe I've read and heard everything wrong, she probably isn't gay

I nod and then shake my head "Well thanks for coming down Alexandra, I guess I'll see you when someone has a case for us"

"I told you, it's Alex. I cannot stand being called Alexandra, it's so snobby" she gives a gentle chuckle "says the Ice Queen"

I smile at her humour as she stands to leave. I expect her to turn and disappear out the door but instead she turns back to me "Have you seen the guys yet?"

I know she's talking about the detectives, and to be honest, I'm a little nervous about seeing them again, because I feel guilty and ashamed for my censure, especially after hearing that Kim Greylek had told them I'd been disbarred. And then there is the fact that I just left New York and didn't attempt to contact anyone. I shake my head, dreading what may come next

"Come out for drinks later" she tells me, and yes, that's exactly what I was dreading

"I better not, I mean, I'm tired and I need to, well, make a good, or somewhat decent impression first day back, and I mean, you go, and I'll uh…" I ramble as I try and find the words to excuse myself

"You're trying to get out of it Novak, what are you so worried about?"

"I'm not worried" I say a little too quickly and bluntly as Alex runs a hand through her blonde hair "I'm tired"

"Casey, I'm not stupid" she says, more softly than she's spoken to me so far as she retakes the seat opposite for me

"I…" I begin but turn my head, because I am certain if I address this looking at her, I'm going to cry. I hate showing that much emotion in public but I have been much more emotional since the censure

"Hey" she says quietly "They've missed you. I am sure they'd love to see you before tomorrow"

"Have they even mentioned me to you? When I started at SVU, it was Alex did it this way, and Alex did this and Alex was so much better" I know I sound bitter as I speak but this lack of confidence that has come to the forefront recently sends me into these tirades and self loathing rambles

"They were really like that?" she asks and I take note of her deflecting of my question with her own

I nod as the first tear rolls down my cheek, I try and hide it as I wipe it away but when I look back up at her soft blue eyes, I can tell she's seen. That look, its pity and it makes me feel even more embarrassed. I blush and turn away quickly

"Don't be embarrassed about it Casey. I didn't know it was like that, I'm sorry"

I shake my head, because it isn't and wasn't her fault "Don't" I say

"Sorry" she gives me a small smile "They do talk about you. You became part of the team and I know they'd love to see you"

I shrug my shoulders, not really giving an answer either way, but Alex doesn't give me much option "I'll come get you in a bit"

As she leaves the office, I allow the rest of the tears to fall down my cheeks as I look around, and sigh. This whole room looks exactly the same as I left it, all those years ago. The same desk, same chairs, couch, carpet, the bookcases, the fixtures, it's all the same but it feels empty, lonely, and nowhere near like home.

* * *

I look at the clock and see that it's nearing 5pm; I consider Alex's invite for drinks but quickly decide that I'm not ready to face everyone. I pull on my jacket, and pick up my briefcase and laptop bag, which I had packed up a few minutes previous. Just as I am about to switch off the lights, the door opens and I see Alex standing in front of me

"You weren't trying to escape were you?" Alex says with a hint of laughter and I sheepishly shrug my shoulders "It'll be fine"

I don't believe her for a second, and I'm actually dreading it for more reasons that one. I am nervous about seeing the guys again and the questions about what I did when I was away.

I sigh and she pats me gently between the shoulders, as I switch the lights off and lock the door. I'm not expecting the sudden electricity to jolt through my body with the touch, but never the less, it does and it makes me even more nervous than I was previously

"I really am tired" I try, but she doesn't respond. Instead, she strides confidently along beside me, no doubt feeling sorry for me.

Alex leads me over to a car, a Porsche no less, and holds open the door "Nice car" I say, in awe and she smiles

"This is my baby" I can tell she is proud of it, and just a little smug about having such a car but she is a Cabot and we all know that they come from Old Money, I would expect her to have some luxuries but it does make me a little more nervous and inadequate beside her. I'm only Casey Novak, and Casey Novak isn't really anybody anymore.

**So I really would like to know what you think of this, and be assured I will update MOSH if you are reading that one tomorrow.**


	2. Chapter 2

**A.N: Thank you so much for the kind reviews from most of you and I am glad you are liking it so far. **

**To the guest who never leaves their name...I am guessing you are the same person that commented on other stories of mine and I'd just like to say...thank you for reading. I don't care if you like my stories to be honest. You ask me why Casey is, and I quote "such a sad sack mess" in my stories, well, this is only the second Alex/Casey story I have written, the other two are A/O, but to answer your question, because I base her off myself...so thanks for the compliment :) Look, it's Fan Fiction, and that's how I write Casey sometimes. I didn't say that the detectives like Alex more, this is from Casey's point of view and that's what she thinks...she's insecure after her censure, and just needs to rebuild her confidence. She's had a lot of time away and has a tendency to over-think things. **

Chapter 2:

Sitting in Alex Cabot's car, I felt like a spare part. But she had rolled the top down and my hair blew in the wind as she drove through the city. I was growing more nervous the closer we got. We were going to our old haunt, a cop bar that had become the detectives' standard stop for after work drinks. Alex was drumming her fingers on the steering wheel in tune to the music playing over the radio. I was glad for the sound, because the silence would unnerve me otherwise.

"You're awfully quiet Novak" Alex said, snapping me out of my thoughts, I sheepishly gave a small smile, not really sure what to say to her observation "I never pegged you for the nervous type"

"Some things change" I reply, hoping she'll just leave me be but I have no hope, it's Alex Cabot for crying out loud, she's just observant

"I know what you mean Casey. But you can't let the past rule the future. I did for too long"

I know that Alex is trying to reassure me, and I can't imagine how tough things were for her after coming back from Witness Protection, but I remember seeing a confident and totally controlled Alex at Connor's trial. She kicked ass on that witness stand and I was totally in awe of her.

We pull up outside the cop bar and Alex makes sure she's locked her car, triple the normal amount of times, but I guess that it's her pride and joy and even if we are parked outside a cop bar, you can never be too careful.

I tense up as I stand on the sidewalk, I don't dare look inside. I can feel myself sweating and my body fighting the nerves, my whole body feels like jelly and my stomach is in knots. I really have missed everyone at the one-six, I'm just apprehensive about whether I'd be welcome.

"Breathe" Alex informs me, and I look up at her and nod, before taking a deep breath and entering the bar. I see them immediately, and I turn my head in embarrassment.

Olivia is gaping at me, mouth wide open, as if she's in shock... Munch looks like he's trying to come up with some conspiracy and Fin has a warm smile, much like Cragen. There are two new faces, who probably don't have a clue who I am, but that's fine by me.

"Casey" Olivia breaths out, before embracing me in her arms, I immediately relax, and return the hug. She pulls away and rests her hands on my shoulders, as if she's giving me the once over. I mumble out a barely audible "Hi" and she breaks out into a grin

"I missed you"

I can see Alex smiling out the corner of my eye and she nods before turning back to her conversation with Cragen who gives me a small smile

"Hey baby girl" Fin says before giving me a warm hug, before Munch shakes my hand

"Welcome back"

"It's good to be home" I tell them, and it really is. I had no idea what I was so worried about.

"This is Casey Novak, she's our old ADA" Olivia tells the two new faces in the room, and those words hit me hard, sending me back into my shell and I don't know why. Olivia doesn't see the change in my facial expression, but Alex does, and I know it. "These are Detectives Nick Amaro and Amanda Rollins"

"Nice to meet you" I say quietly, shaking their hands

Alex cuts in "Casey's going to be sharing the docket with me, so we'll be working together for the most part"

Olivia pulls me into a hug, and I smile as she lets me go.

I take a seat next to Alex, as Olivia orders the drinks at the bar. I hate drinking in public, especially since my censure, I just feel like all eyes are on me, because more often than not, I am alone but I guess this is an okay scenario, and one drink won't hurt.

As Olivia places my drink in front of me, I immediately regret ordering the alcohol. I try and focus on the conversation which is kind of difficult, seeing as there are so many of us. Alex is still talking to Cragen, although she's next to me, and he's at the other end, Olivia and Nick are talking with Amanda and Munch.

"So Casey, what did you do while you were away?" Fin asks, and my heart sinks. I knew this would come up at some point but I wasn't anticipating it being so quickly.

"Nothing much" I try and play it off casually but I guess I didn't expect that to work

"What does that mean?" he asks raising an eyebrow "Surely, you did something"

"Not really" I say, choosing not to elaborate further.

My hands still resting on my glass but unlike the other people around the table, I am yet to take a sip, although I start to think that I need some liquid courage.

Fin must have been able to tell I didn't want to talk about it, because he nodded and joined in with the conversation that was going on beside him.

"You're very quiet Casey" Olivia observes, as she leans over the table slightly, her voice quiet and not to draw too much attention to the conversation

I shrug my shoulders, not really sure what to say "A lot has changed", I repeat the same answer I gave Alex earlier

"I know it has" Olivia acknowledges and I give her a small smile, feeling silly at bringing the elephant that is Elliot into the room. I had heard that he had retired after shooting a child in the squad room. I can only imagine how hard it would have been to return to work, and have that with you every time you sit at your desk.

"Sorry" I apologise quietly, causing Olivia to give me a sad smile.

"What happened while you were away? What did you do with the Casey we know?" Olivia asks. I hate the pity in her voice, but I hear the concern it is laced with and I shrug again

"She left a long time ago" I answer, pushing my glass across the table "You have this"

Alex puts her hand on my shoulder, and I turn my head away from her, only to see Olivia look even more concerned that before as I shuffle out of the booth "I'm gonna get a juice or something"

I hear the footsteps behind me and I know they are Alex's "Casey, are you okay?"

"I'm fine" I murmur, but whether that's the truth or not, no one knows. It's become a standard answer to that question more times that I remember lately

I order a juice, wishing that Alex would go back to the table but she places her hand on my back in a comforting manner as I drink it down quickly "You want me to take you home?" she asks

"No, I'll walk. Tell the guys I said bye"

I leave the bar, and resist the urge to look at the guys, who are no doubt talking about me by now. I am glad that Alex didn't follow me; I just need to be alone to deal with this.

* * *

I've been home for 20 minutes when there's a knock at my door. I never get visitors, so I am a little apprehensive about opening it, so instead I ask "Who is it?"

"Casey, its Olivia" I hear the reply and I sigh then wonder how she found out where I live. I had sold my old apartment after the censure, before moving to New Orleans. This is a lot smaller than my old place but bigger than the one roomed extension I rented over there.

I open the door and invite her in, watching her gaze around before she meets me eyes "I've missed you"

I acknowledge her with a nod before sitting down on the couch. I run my hand through my hair before saying "I missed you too"

"Talk to me Casey. Why did you leave like that?"

"I was tired. I told Alex beforehand that I just wanted to sleep"

Olivia shakes her head as she sits next to me "I meant 3 years ago Casey. Why didn't you tell us?"

"I was ashamed" I answer as if that tells her all she needs to know

"Oh come on Casey. You screwed up, but I thought we were friends. You just left without saying anything. We had to find out you were disbarred"

"I wasn't" I huff "I was censured"

"Well, still Casey. You didn't even let us know you were okay"

"Because I wasn't" I mumble as the tears well in my eyes. I am hopeless to stop them, and I curl my knees to my chest. I feel Olivia's arm around my shoulders as she pulls me closer to her. I manage to calm myself down and pull away "I'm fine"

"You're not" she argues "Where did you go?"

"New Orleans" I tell her and am met with a smile

"What did you do?"

"Nothing" I say quietly

"You must have done something"

I shake my head "I worked in a juice bar for a few months, and then I stacked shelves in wall mart"

"Really?" Olivia chuckles. I hate that reaction, I know it sounds stupid. I mean, I have a law degree and I worked in a juice bar and wall mart, it's pretty ridiculous really "You really did" she says wide eyed

I nod sheepishly "I'm tired Olivia. I'll see you tomorrow"

"Casey" she says quietly "What happened? This isn't you"

"Like I said, The Casey you knew left and never returned"

"Oh come on, you're in there somewhere"

I shrug my shoulders for what seems like the hundredth time, but I just have nothing to say to that. I don't feel like Casey, even if I look like her. I just feel empty.

"I'll see you tomorrow" Olivia says as she stands and I can tell she's giving up for the time being, which I'm really grateful for "I hope that the Casey we all know and love comes back soon, we've missed you"

I see her out, and sink into the couch. I look at the clock and it's barely reached 7pm but I'm tired, and I know tomorrow is going to be a rough day. I strip myself of my clothes and climb in under the covers, before closing my eyes.

* * *

I hear a loud banging on the door "Casey!" I hear, and I try and work out where I've heard that voice

"Hey Novak, You're starting to worry me now"

I furrow my brow and look at the clock; it's just gone 8pm. I sigh and sit up in the bed as the knocking continues

"Who is it?" I call out

"Thank goodness" I hear a relieved sigh "It's Alex"

Alex? I think for a minute. And then remember, shit its Cabot. I grab the robe as I get out of the bed, and throw it on.

I open the door and I see the flustered looking blonde who looks at me questionably "You really were tired?"

"Yeah" I mutter "What's up?"

"I just wondered if you had eaten. I've got take out" she holds up a paper bag and smiles

"Uh, no I haven't. Come in" I stand aside as she enters my apartment, doing the same as Olivia had earlier, gazing around

"Nice place" she smiles and I shrug my shoulders. I really must stop doing that. "Casey, you need to relax"

"I am relaxed" I say but I feel anything but relaxed as I plonk myself down on the couch "Plates are in that cupboard"

Alex raises a brow at me, but doesn't speak as I turn my head away. I hear rustling and opening of cupboards. And then I feel the couch dip beside me as I'm handed a plate "I didn't know what you liked, so I asked Olivia"

"She came over earlier"

"I know. She called me. She's worried about you, you know?"

I shrug my shoulders again before taking a bite of the chicken, as I look at her, I feel a warmth radiate through me. She really is stunningly beautiful. I don't broadcast my sexuality and I haven't dated in years but I am bisexual.

"I am too"

"What?!" I say rather loudly, wondering if I'd spoken out loud

"Worried about you" she answers and I breathe a sigh of relief, at least I think that's what it was

"I'm fine" I say, maybe if I say it enough, it will be true

"You're not" she argues "And I want to know what's changed"

"I was censured. I messed up, royally and I just spent a long time feeling sorry for myself" I say, trying to explain but it's difficult when you don't really know yourself what you are saying.

"We all make mistakes. Some bigger than others but we bounce back from them"

"I can't" I say quietly, the tears falling again. I don't get why I'm so emotional lately.

"Yes you can" she says, looking directly at me "And it starts tomorrow"

We eat in silence, and I'm thankful for that. I know she's watching me every now and then but I keep my head down as I eat, and hope that she'll not question me further.

Once I've eaten, I take the plates into the kitchen and pour myself a glass of water. "You want a drink?" I call to Alex

"I'm fine Casey. I'm going to shoot off, I'll pick you up about 8ish in the morning" she tells me

I panic "its fine. I'll just walk"

"It'll take you ages Casey" she raises a brow as she speaks "I'll pick you up"

I don't get a chance to reply as she's out of the door. I sigh as it closes behind her, and it's only then do I realise that I'm naked under the robe and the cord has loosened, revealing a fair amount of cleavage. I find myself wondering if Alex noticed, and unexpectedly realise that I don't actually care.

I toss the robe aside, as I return to my bed. Tomorrow is going to be one hell of a day, I just know it.

**Review please**


	3. Chapter 3

**A.N: Again, thank you for the reviews. **

**Eljh55: She will, don't worry. And no, she isn't a recovering Alcoholic, she just drank a little too often alone when she was censured, so drinking reminds her of that time.**

**Surfrider and Madds21: Alex is persistent, yes and she is drawn to Casey quite easily. Remember this is written from Casey's point of view, so we don't know what Alex is thinking through all of this.**

Chapter 3:

I wake up to my alarm, with a small smile. I am really excited to be going back to work, albeit a little apprehensive for a variety of reasons. First off, because I know that it won't be easy, I'll have to earn the trust of all the judges and everyone will be waiting for me to screw up again and I can't help but think the same. Secondly, because it's been so long and I just don't know if I'll remember things and all that pressure again, and the cases are gruesome and not exactly pretty to explain and think about. And thirdly, Alex, and that is all I need to say on that matter.

Which is good because she'll be here in just over an hour, and I need to shower and dress and I have no idea what to wear, it's been a long time since I've needed to look smart and confident. I just hope looking smart and confident makes me feel confident.

I shower quickly, and I mean quickly, because there is no time for relaxing and contemplating the day's events before they happen. I dry myself and head to the closet, rummaging through the rail of shirts, I find a pale blue one and I find my pants folded neatly on the shelf.

Throwing them on, after clean underwear of course, I begin to dry my hair. I hear the sound of someone knocking on the door, and glance at the clock on the wall, it's only 7.30. Trust Alex to be early.

"Hey" I say quietly "I'm not ready, I'm sure you said 8am"

"I did, but I was worried you'd try and escape before I got here" Alex smiles and I feel a warmth radiate my body and it's not the summer air either.

"I hadn't even thought about doing that" I give a small smile before stepping aside "Come in"

Alex enters my apartment, and I head back to the hairdryer "Make yourself comfortable Alex. I'm still drying my hair"

She sits on the couch as I switch the dryer back on, running my hands through my hair as it dries. Every now and then I feel Alex watching me, and when I look up she turns her head away, except the last time, she smiled at me. It was a warm smile, and it gave me butterflies but I have no idea why.

I finish drying my hair, and I let if fall naturally, which is a good job because it would take forever to tame it and tie it up. I manage to find my suit jacket, and I had already made sure my purse and briefcase were sorted the night before. Smiling at Alex, I pick up my belongings "Ready?"

She nods gently as she stands, smoothing out her skirt and my eyes are drawn to her legs, clad in tights, and they are still as mesmerizing as I remember. Blushing and shaking my head in order to stop my mind from having these crazy thoughts, I follow her to the door.

As I'm sitting in her car, a little more relaxed than the late afternoon before, I begin to wonder about these thoughts and feelings that have overcome me. Alex does something to me, something that no-one else has done before, she keeps me calm, relaxes me, and gives me a weird feeling in my stomach and it's a little unnerving to say the least.

"Are you working on any current cases?" I ask Alex, as I allow my head to make its way back to the important matters

"Not at the moment, I finished the last yesterday, guilty on all charges" she smiles at me "But I'm sure we'll have something, I know Olivia was called out last night, so I'm sure we'll see them soon"

I nod "You and Olivia?"

"Are friends…seriously Novak, why are you so certain something's going on"

I shrug my shoulders, and I tell myself again that I need to stop doing that "I just heard stuff, that's all…"

"What did you hear?"

"They were always talking about you and Olivia especially, she'd blush when she'd recall something you said, or did and I don't know, I always had this feeling that there was more to it than friendship. And, I don't know, she spoke about you a lot"

"Well, we were just friends and that's all we are. Olivia isn't gay, although I can see why people think she is" Alex tells me "Really, I love Liv, but as a friend and nothing more"

"Sorry" I apologise, feeling like a fool

"Don't be, you're definitely not the first person to think that"

I give a small smile, as I look out of the window. We are approaching the office, and it's a familiarity that I've missed.

"Ready?" Alex asks as she parks up and I unbuckle the seatbelt

"As ready as I'll ever be" I say nervously, and Alex gives me a gentle pat on the arm as she heads inside and I get that tingly sensation again, where her hand has just made contacted. Her hands were soft, and warm, and it makes me smile.

"You coming?" she asks, snapping me from my thoughts as I look up. She's smiling, and again, it's warm but just a little bit strange, I can't place it but I don't know whether I like it or not.

"Yeah" I mumble as I follow her inside, greeting the security guard with a smile.

"Welcome back" I hear a few times before making my way up to the floor where Alex's office is situated. I don't even pay attention to where we are going, because Alex has removed her jacket, and she has one too many buttons undone on her blouse, and I can't seem to tear my eyes away to concentrate on my movements.

"Casey?" I hear and I look up, sure that my skin has just turned the same colour as my hair

"Mmm" I murmur in response and I am met with a smirk, did she know what I was thinking, did she see me staring at her breasts. OH MY GOD! She did, and I was staring. What must she think?

"I said, we're not sharing an office, but I am next door if you need anything"

I realise we are outside my office, and give a small smile "Thanks"

"You're welcome"

Alex continues to her office and I smile, as she turns around and gives me a little wave before disappearing. I enter my office, and put my things down by the couch. Let's hope it's an easy day.

* * *

"I can't give you a warrant based on this evidence and you know it" I say to Olivia or Detective Benson as she is at the moment. She is in cop mode, but I'm holding my ground

"Oh come on Casey, it's obvious he's our guy"

"No, it isn't. He has an alibi, and you need more than a gut feeling to convince me to even attempt to get this signed"

"Have you even looked at it? You've lost your nerve Novak"

"I have not. Even Alex wouldn't be able to…" I begin but I see Alex appear

"I wouldn't be able to what?" she asks

"Casey won't even attempt to get me a warrant" Olivia states, handing the file to Alex

I scowl as Alex reads over it "Neither can I Olivia" she says and I let go of the breath I hadn't even realised I'd been holding

"Lost my nerve have I?" I bite out

"Sorry, I shouldn't…"

"Your right, you shouldn't have. You've got a job to do right?" I know I sound a right bitch, but that hurt and I need to be in control. Turning into a cold bitch is all I have to gain that

Olivia leaves the office as Alex enters, closing the door behind her "You okay?" she asks and I nod

"Fine"

Alex doesn't believe me, I can tell but I don't have the energy or patience to deal with her right now. It's not even lunch time and I'm already getting a migraine. Rubbing my temples, I look up at the blonde, she looks concerned and I give her a small smile

"Just a headache"

She nods and stands up "If you need anything"

I smile "Thanks" I say, as she leaves. I sigh and turn back to the paperwork I was working on before Olivia came in. Alex had given me some case files to look over, and I was grateful for something to pass the time.

* * *

It was a few hours later when Alex knocked on my door "Have you eaten?" she asks and I shake my head, I neglect to remember to eat when I'm busy, which I know is wrong. But this migraine isn't giving me much of an appetite

"Let's grab lunch in that diner across the road" she says and I shake my head again

"I'm not hungry"

"You need to eat. Have you drunk anything today? It's pretty warm outside; you don't need to be dehydrating"

"I had some coffee earlier"

"Well, how about I go grab a sandwich and when you feel like eating it, you can?"

I nod, just to get her off my back, and she gives me a small smile before leaving again. I squeeze my eyes shut and rest my head on my arms, sighing heavily.

"Case, wake up" I feel a hand on my shoulder, gently shaking me awake as I hear Alex's voice  
"I got you a sandwich, and Olivia needs us over at the one-six"

I lift my head and rub my eyes "Thanks" I say sleepily before standing, losing my balance

"You okay?" Alex raises her brows, with worry and I give a small smile

"Let's go" I answer, because saying I'm fine is getting to be a little predictive and not always the truth either.

I'm grateful for the car journey, albeit a short one, as I feel lethargic and my body is struggling to hold itself upright. I must be getting sick, and it has to be on my first day back. That's just great timing.

"Casey?" Alex asks and I look up

"Yeah"

"You sure you're okay?"

"Yes" I answer, but the truth is the complete opposite but why worry Alex, why would she be worried anyway, it's not like we've known each other that long, or that we are friends.

As we pull up at the precinct, and head inside, my head is pounding and my feet are like jelly "I'm just going to sit down a minute" I tell Alex, resting against the window sill

She nods, as she leans beside me, placing a hand on my shoulder "You've still got a headache?"

I nod in reply and rub my temples, trying to will it away, but it doesn't work, obviously.

"Alex, Casey" Olivia calls over as she notices us "Come and actually do some work"

Alex laughs, "I'll go and see if you're needed" she says quietly "Just rest a minute"

I nod, thankful to stay where I am, as I close my eyes.

I don't hear the conversation beside me but when I look up a short while later, I am met with the concerned gaze of Olivia "Casey"

"Hi Olivia, where's Alex?"

"Talking to our suspect…listen, you need to go home"

"I'm fine" I say, trying to stand upright but needing the wall to hold me there

"We both know that isn't true. I don't know what's happened to you Casey, but you need to get yourself sorted"

"I've lost my nerve, like you said and remember, I'm not the same person I was before"

"You would have stopped at nothing to get a warrant before, you're being too cautious" she tells me and I know I am, probably but I need to ease back into this, I can't be reckless now…too many eyes are on me, and I need to be careful

"Well, excuse me for trying not to screw up. Everyone is watching me, waiting for me to do just that. I'm being shadowed by Alex. Alexandra fucking Cabot no less and it's embarrassing!" I know I'm angry but I have a right to be do I not? I made mistakes and I have to fix them, I wish people could see that

"Casey, calm down" Olivia says to me quietly, but that just pisses me off more

"Calm down! Calm down, you tell me I've lost my nerve, that I'm being too cautious, and all I want you to understand is that I've changed, and things change and I can't be that person any more, I can't do it. I'm nobody…"

"Everyone is somebody, Casey. You're Casey Novak and you are a brilliant Attorney" she says quietly

My migraine is getting worse with every passing minute, and I feel my body tensing up as my legs buckle beneath me. I hear a gasp and then "Casey!" before everything goes black.

**Oh no!** **Review please **


	4. Chapter 4

**A.N: Thank you for the reviews guys. **

**Tripperz: No, Casey isn't dying. This is a happy story, with some drama but it's all good, don't worry**

**I am trying to update as much as possible. I have a week off work so updates will be coming frequently, although I am still working of MOSH as well.**

Chapter 4:

I hear the faint sound of someone talking "Most likely she fainted due to stress and exhaustion, and her lack of fluid intake probably hasn't helped much"

I open my eyes and am met with bright lights, causing me to squint, I manage a sound between a murmur and a croak and then I feel a hand brush mine, I know it's Alex, that spark it sends through my body, familiar and comforting "You're awake" she says as I turn my head to the left and she smiles

"What happened?" I say quietly, my throat a little dry

"You fainted in the precinct, Casey. Gave Olivia quite a scare and me too" she gives me a sad smile "You need to look after yourself"

"What?" I ask, slightly confused as to what she is talking about

"You're stressed and worn out. The doctor said you need to take it easy, plus you were getting dehydrated"

I shut my eyes and sigh a little, and then notice the IV drip in my hand, "They're giving you fluids Casey" Alex tells me no doubt sensing my panic as I look at her wide eyed, finally registering that she's sitting here beside me.

"I'm tired" I say quietly, pulling my hand from hers and closing my eyes "You've got to get back to work"

"I'm not needed in the office. If the detectives need me, they can call me" she tells me, which causes me to open my eyes and look at her

"Why are you here?" I ask. I can't seem to understand why she'd want to stay.

"Because I'd like to think we were a little more than just colleagues Casey. I think you're a really nice person, and I thought we'd become friends" I can hear the warmth in her voice, but it just confuses me further

"You don't know me" I say, closing my eyes again

"I'd like to" she replies, and I can feel that she's smiling by the way she talks "Now rest, I'll be here when you wake up"

"When can I go home?" I ask, my eyes still closed

"Probably in a couple of hours, when you've finished the drip" she tells me and I sigh "Now rest"

I keep my eyes closed, but my mind is still running to catch up with my heart. I can't have feelings for Alex, not like that. I don't even know if she's gay, but she hasn't said otherwise. She told me Olivia wasn't but what about her? Does it even matter? But she looks at me strangely, and I don't know why it makes me uneasy.

My head is filled with thoughts and I'm snapped back when Alex says "You're not trying to sleep. Stop thinking"

I open my eyes, and look at her, she's smiling and I give her a small smile back "I'm busted"

She chuckles "What's got you so wound up, Case?" The shortened version of my name startles me, although I remember her waking me up in my office with that name earlier, it makes me smile and I can't hide it "What?"

I blush and turn my head away, before turning it back to her "You called me Case…"

"I did. Sorry, I didn't think, don't you like it?" she asks, and I see her blush too

I smile, and take her hand "I do"

"Good Case, now tell me what're you thinking about?"

I can't tell her, I just can't. I don't want to freak her out. I pull my hand away and mutter "Nothing important"

She raises her brow, but doesn't push the topic, instead she stands "I'm going to get a coffee, and call Olivia, you rest"

I close my eyes as she leaves, but I'm not sure if I can sleep.

* * *

"Hey" Alex says softly, as I open my eyes. I must have fallen asleep, actually. I wonder why she's still here

"You're still here"

"Of course I am. The doctor's coming by soon, and I'm sure they'll let you out. And you need a ride home" she tells me, I smile at her offer. She's really sweet. I'd heard that she had been known as the 'Ice Princess' but I don't see that with her now, she really isn't as cold as people say she is. I know that she can be, when in the courtroom, but she's actually really warm when she's not working.

"Thanks" I say quietly with a smile. She does something to me, and I'm becoming accustomed to the feelings she makes me emit, and they don't startle me as much as they did earlier or yesterday even.

"It's nothing" she smiles, as I adjust myself into a sitting position. I notice that the IV drip is still in my hand but that the bag that was holding the fluids is empty

I hear a knock on the door and it opens. A young man enters the room "How are you feeling Miss Novak?" he asks and I guess he must be the doctor

"I feel okay" I say, which is the truth. I don't have a headache and I feel a little more like myself.

"That's good. I'm going to release you, but you need to take it easy for a while and keep yourself hydrated, drink plenty of water and don't overexert yourself" he tells me and I nod my agreement "I'll get a nurse to remove that" he points to my hand and I smile

"Thanks"

A nurse enters as he exits and takes a minute to silently remove the IV. The pain is bearable as it is removed, and I mumble a quiet thanks, beginning to get nervous about Alex taking me home. She must sense my worry as she takes my hand, and strokes her thumb over it gently.

"You need to relax, Casey. Take tomorrow off" she says quietly and I pull my hand away at her words, sending me into a panic

"I can't. I need to work" I tell her quickly, I'd go insane being alone in my apartment all day, with nothing to do. I need to keep myself busy.

"You need to look after yourself, and you need to rest Case" she says, reaching for my hand but I know what she's doing this time, and move it out of the way as I roll my legs around the bed

"I'm gonna change" I say, grabbing my clothes that are folded on the other chair and heading into the bathroom.

I change and quickly send a text to Liz, telling her that I'll be in tomorrow, and that all is fine.

When I emerge, Alex is standing by the door, with a look on her face that tells me she is not impressed "You didn't listen to me, did you?"

"I'm working, and that's the end of it" I bite out, maybe a little harshly, but as much as it is endearing that Alex cares, it's also a little uncomfortable because of my growing feelings, and she doesn't get my need to work.

"Okay" she relents, but I can tell she's not happy about it, but I don't answer to her, and she can't tell me what to do.

As we leave the hospital, I notice that Alex is quiet, and that concerns me as well, I can tell she's thinking about something

"What's wrong Alex?" I ask quietly as I get into the car, and buckle the belt around myself

"You don't like me do you?" she says quietly, and I raise my brows

"Of course I like you" I say, wondering why she's thinking this now. Did I give her the wrong impression? did I say something that would make her think that I didn't?

"Well then, let me take care of you" she says with a smile, pulling out of the parking space

"I don't need taking care of" I say quietly

"You do, you need a friend and I want to be that friend" she places a hand on my knee and gives a small squeeze. I expect her to let go but she doesn't, and it makes me a little apprehensive

"Um Alex" I say quietly, looking down at her hand

"Sorry" she mumbles, and I give a small smile, as she removes her hand and looks back at the road.

We pull up at my apartment, and as I get out of the car, I can tell she's still lost in thought "Alex"

"Mmm?" she looks up, and blushes "Sorry"

"Its okay" I assure her, because it is. Although I am unsure of what she's thinking, and a little nervous about everything, I find myself wanting and grateful for the contact and the friendship that she's offering "Come up for a coffee?"

"I better not" she says quietly, her hands shoved nervously into her pant pockets

"I'd like the company" I offer with a smile and she looks up to meet my gaze, and returns the smile with warmth

"You sure?" she asks apprehensively and I find myself nodding, and linking my arm through hers. I feel her tense and look a little shocked at my braveness in initiating contact. I give her a wide smile, and lead her into the building.

I unlock the door and point over to the couch "Take a seat, and I'll be back" I tell her, as I enter the kitchen and busy myself making coffee.

"You're looking a lot better than earlier" she tells me when I return and I give her a small smile

"Thanks, I feel it"

"You need to take a moment to relax when you feel stressed Case, it's not good for you" she says kindly, and I smile at the use of the shortened name

"I know" I say, and really I do.

"Maybe we could have a movie night once a week, or go for a walk every now and then" she suggests with a smile, that I can tell is laced with nerves

"I'd like that" I smile, because it's true. I find myself wanting to be with her, and it's quite nice actually.

"Good" she says, sipping the coffee.

"Tell me something about yourself" I say, looking at her expectantly

"I'm a an attorney" she answers and I chuckle at her humour

"Something I don't know" and I see her lips move before she allows herself to laugh too

"Okay. I'm gay"

I look up at her with wide eyes, and I see her blush and then mumble "Maybe that was the wrong thing"

"No, it's okay. I just wasn't expecting that, is all" I tell her with a smile "I'm bisexual"

She smiles as I look back at her and then we both look down at nothing in particular "This is awkward" she says after a few minutes

"Why?" I counter, looking up to meet her eyes "We're adults. Tell me something else"

"I'm an only child"

"Me too"

"I like you" she says and then shakes her head "Okay, I wasn't meant to say that"

"Why, is it not true?" I tease with a smile. Her admission made my heart flutter but I can see she's embarrassed.

"No, it is. But I've already said too much" she blushes again before standing "Maybe I should go. I'll see you tomorrow"

"Don't go" I say quietly "Stay for dinner"

"You gonna cook Novak?" she asks with a smile and I laugh

"Um no, but I can order take out"

She looks like she's going to decline, so I work my best pout, and cross my arms "Now I'm hurt"

"Okay Okay" she laughs sitting back down "I'll stay"

"Good" I grin, and feel my heart beating faster at having her over longer

"But let's stick to closed topics"

"What shall we talk about then?" I ask

"Where did you go to study law?"

"Yale. You're a Harvard girl though right?" I smile. I've always admired Alex, as an attorney and I knew that she'd studied at Harvard.

She nods "Yep"

"Next question"

"Books or television?" she gives me choice

"Books" I answer and she smiles

"Right answer"

I laugh out loud, before yawning "I can't be still tired" I mutter

"Yes you can. Let's order dinner and then I'll get off and let you sleep"

"Stay over" I find myself saying and she shakes her head

"That would be innappropriate" she says, and maybe she's right but I'm feeling pretty brave

"Would it really?"

"Yes it would. Now dinner" she changes the topic back to food and I pick up a wad of take out menus

"Choose something" I tell her before heading into the bathroom. I sit on the closed toilet lid and run my hand through my hair with a sigh. I'm getting ahead of myself, this flirting that's going on, it's nice but maybe it's innocent on her part. I wonder why she told me she was gay, and I feel my heart skip a beat at the thought that she feels something too.

"Case?" I hear quietly "Are you okay?"

"I'm fine" I call back "I'll be out in a minute"

"I didn't mean to shoot you down like that Casey, but this is new territory for me" she tells me, which causes me to stand, and open the door

"Me too" I say back quietly

"I really like you" she whispers taking a step closer to me, I can feel her breath on my face as she breathes in

I step back suddenly aware of the lack of space between us, my heart beating so hard I swear she could hear it "I…"

"It's okay" she says quietly "I just wanted you to know, I feel it too"

I shudder at her words, and look to her lips, I really want to kiss her right now, but that wouldn't be right would it?

**Review please...**


	5. Chapter 5

**A.N: So I thought I'd give you another chapter tonight. I'm really enjoying writing this story...and it's moving on nicely.**

Chapter 5:

Maybe she heard my thoughts, maybe she snapped herself back into reality but Alex took a step back and shook her head "I really must go"

"We haven't ordered dinner" I say quietly, and I'm not sure if I'm pissed that she didn't kiss me, that I didn't kiss her or that I let it get to this point

"Maybe another time, I'll see you at work" she says turning around and leaving the bathroom. She picks up her briefcase before turning back to me "Eat and drink plenty" and then she's gone.

I don't actually feel hungry any more. I feel myself getting sleepy, so I pour myself a glass of water and take it to the bedroom where I remove my clothes and climb under the covers.

Closing my eyes, I take a deep breath and sigh before allowing the first of the tears to fall.

* * *

I open my eyes and squint at the clock, 8.41am. I sit up quickly, realising I am going to be late for work and my head replays the previous evening over, I sigh and realise I must have cried myself to sleep. I hesitantly get up and head to the bathroom to shower. I really don't feel like going into work, but I know I have to, because otherwise I'll just mope around and it'll make things ten times worse. I need to face things head on, I know that now.

I'm dreading seeing Alex. I don't know what happened last night, to be honest. I thought we were getting on okay, we kind of said things that maybe should have been kept inside, but she told me she was gay and that she liked me, trouble is…I don't know what that means. Does she like me as a friend, or does she want more, like I do. I've realised that I really do want to try a relationship with her, she's smart and kind, she's nice to talk to, not to mention drop dead gorgeous.

Turning on the shower, I feel the tears falling again, and I let the water hit my skin as I lean against the wall and let my emotions consume me. Maybe I can just stay here for a while.

I'm pulled out from my emotional breakdown by the sound of hard knocking on the door "Casey"

It's Olivia. I wonder what she wants.

I really don't want her seeing me like this, so I just sit here on the cold and wet floor, the water still running

"Casey" I hear and that isn't Olivia. It's Alex. What are they both doing here?

Sighing, I hear a louder and more insistent knock and I can hear them talking "Maybe we should bust the door down" Alex says

"Oh yeah, and that will look good. Maybe she's just overslept"

"Or maybe she's collapsed again" I hear the worry in Alex's voice and manage to stand up and hobble to the door, grabbing a robe and tying it around myself

"I'm coming" I manage hoarsely, my voice tinged with emotion

"See, I told you she'd be fine" I hear Olivia say, as I reach the door and open it "Jesus, you look like hell"

I manage a weak smile and look at Alex who genuinely looks concerned. She blushes a little and turns her head away "What did you want?"

"It's nearly 9.30 Casey, when you hadn't turned up Alex called me" Olivia tells me "Can we come in?"

"I was in the shower" I say quietly as I step aside. They enter and look at me with warm eyes and concern

"Do you feel okay?" Olivia asks, and I wonder why Alex hasn't spoken. Is she embarrassed or feeling guilty and regretful about our discussion and the events yesterday?

"I'm fine" I say but I know and they obviously know that it's a blatant lie

"Have you eaten?" Alex asks me quietly and I shake my head, she looks at me sternly "You didn't eat last night either did you?"

"You need to keep your strength up" Olivia tells me "Casey, we're worried about you"

"Well don't. I'm fine" I snap, because I can feel myself getting emotional again as I take a seat on the couch, pulling the robe tighter around myself

"Okay" Olivia answers and I know she isn't going to push. Alex walks away from us into the kitchen, and Olivia turns back to me before sitting down beside me "She's going to make you some toast and coffee. She's really worried about you"

"I know" I whisper out "But I don't know why"

"She likes you"

"She told me, but what does that mean?" I ask and then blush "Forget it"

"No, I won't. Alex told me that she might have pushed things and she was really upset, she came over last night"

"She was?" I ask wide eyed. This information shocked me, the fact that she was upset, because I don't know why she would have been

"She likes you, and I mean, likes you. She's just worried that she's trying too hard and that you'll hate her"

"I could never hate her Liv"

"Tell her that then. I know you like her too"

"I do" I say quietly "But what about you?"

"What about me?" she asks

"You and her, she said there was nothing going on, but was there before?"

"No, there wasn't ever anything more than a close friendship. I'm straight, Casey. I love Alex as a friend, it broke my heart when she was shot and went into witness protection. She hurt me by not telling us she was back, until she turned up at a crime scene. Look, we were really good friends and we've managed to get back to that, but she likes you and wants to get to know you"

"I want to get to know her too"

"Well then" Olivia smiles at me as Alex carries a plate and cup over to me; I give her a small smile

"Thanks"

"You're welcome Case. Now eat, drink and relax. I've got to get back to work" she turns to leave as Olivia stands and I make a decision

"Wait" I say and Olivia and Alex both look at me

"Come over later Al" I tell Alex and Olivia gives me a smile as she heads past the blonde, placing a hand on her shoulder

"I'll be outside"

Olivia leaves my apartment and Alex gives me a small smile "Are you sure?"

"Yes" I say confidently "I'm sorry about yesterday"

"No, I'm sorry"

I nod and smile "We'll talk properly later"

* * *

"Come in" I smile at Alex. It's 6pm, and she's come straight from work. After Alex and Olivia left, I spent the rest of the morning in bed, and then used the afternoon to tidy up and give my apartment a clean. It was long overdue, and I was actually thankful for the time to do it.

"I brought dinner" she says holding up a bag, and the smell of southern fried chicken fills the air

"Yummy" I say as I stomach rumbles, signalling it's need and want for food. Alex chuckles as I find some plates and take the bag from her

"Did you eat lunch?" she asks and I nod with a smile

"I had some potato chips"

"Casey, that's not lunch" she glares at me as we head to the couch

"Well I had breakfast late" I counter and she continues to glare at me

"That was at half nine Case"

"I'm eating now, aren't I?" I say taking a bite of the chicken as I sit down

"I suppose" she relents but I know she's still not happy. I try and remind myself that I don't answer to her but she's right to be honest, I don't eat properly. I don't know why, I just forget I suppose. I used to be 3 meals a day at the same time kind of girl but since my censure and moving to New Orleans I just ate when I felt like it, the need for consistency and a routine not really mattering anymore.

"How was work?" I ask, changing the subject to safer things

"Productive" she answers and I raise my brow waiting for her to elaborate "The case Olivia got, and wanted the warrant for. He struck again, and this time she had enough to get a warrant"

"I wasn't stonewalling or being awkward Alex, there wasn't enough to get one when she asked me"

"I know, I agreed remember"

"I thought you were just being nice"

"Oh come on Case, give me more credit than that" she says quietly and I feel like slapping myself for my stupid mouth

"Sorry" I say quietly.

Neither of us speaks as we continue to eat. I'm lost in my thoughts, and unsure of what tonight was meant to achieve.

I take Alex's plate from her hands once I am certain she's finished and she looks up at me with a smile "Thanks"

I return the smile and head into the kitchen; I pull out a bottle of wine from the cupboard and grab two glasses.

Handing her a glass I offer "A small drink?"

"Just a little then" she smiles and I'm grateful not to be drinking alone. I don't know why I feel the need to have some liquid courage.

"Why did you come over?" I ask

"You asked me to" she says back with a sigh "I thought you wanted to talk, or something"

"I did, and I know I asked. I'm asking why you came"

"Because I want to get to know you, Case and I want to be friends"

I feel my heart sink at that last word but manage to hide it, I think "I'd like that"

"What is it?" she asks and maybe I didn't hide my disappointment as well as I thought.

I'm nervous, and unsure, a little apprehensive but I remember what Olivia said, and she must have believed what she was telling me.

"When you told me you really liked me, yesterday, what did that mean?"

"Exactly that, you're a lovely person Case, you're clever, and hardworking, you're kind and caring, and you're really pretty too" she smiles

I blush "Thanks"

"I mean it Casey. I know you feel something"

I do, I really do. I just don't know how to say it. So instead, I take the glass from her hands, placing them both on the table and lean towards her, I hear her take a deep breath and she leans into me.

Our lips meet gently, and my body tingles as I feel the softness of her lips against mine. I feel her smile before she runs her tongue gently across my lower lip, her hands around my waist as I reach up and tangle my hands in her hair, parting my lips to let her in.

I pull away to breathe, and she smiles before whispering "Hi"

"Hi" I whisper back "That was nice"

"Mmm hmm" she nods, resting her forehead against mine with a smile

I smile as I rub my hand up her arm; her skin is so soft and warm. She pulls me closer to her and I snuggle myself into her embrace. I don't know why I was so worried, because this feels right. It really does. I'd thought it would be wrong, but I like her, she likes me, and we're both adults. The only thing I'm worried about is work

"What happens with work?" I ask

"What do you mean?" she looks up at me

"I mean, if we do this. How does that affect working together?"

"If we disclose to Liz straight away, it should be fine. We work together; there shouldn't be a conflict of interest"

"You sure?" I say nervously

"Yes" I know she's being honest "Do you want to try this?"

I nod shyly "I'd like to"

"Me too" she smiles, before kissing me on the cheek "I meant what I said, you're really pretty"

"Thanks" I blush "You're beautiful"

She chuckles "Hardly"

I frown at her "You are"

"Thanks" she blushes

I sigh and lean into her. I feel her fingers brushing through my hair and I close my eyes at the contact, it's gentle and comforting, and feels nice. "Mmm" I murmur

"That feel good?" she asks

"Yeah it's nice" I say quietly

"Are you working tomorrow?"

"Yeah"

"Shall we tell Liz tomorrow?"

I sit up, pulling back from Alex "I…"

"It's too soon, I get it" she says quietly and I hear the hurt in her voice. I didn't mean for her to think I was stalling or anything

"No, it's okay. I wasn't expecting you to say that, that's all"

"Are you sure? We can take this as slow as you want and that means we don't have to disclose until you're ready"

"I want to take it slow" I say tentatively "But we can tell Liz, and Olivia maybe?"

"Okay…" she begins "Why Olivia?"

I furrow my brows "She's your friend and mine"

"Okay"

"No, what is it?"

"You still think something happened with us, don't you?"

"Did it?"

"I kissed her once. She turned me down, that's all"

I knew it "I knew it"

"It was nothing Case" she begins but I feel my confidence dipping, why did she have to lie to me?

I shrug my shoulders, and she stills them

"Stop doing that. You need to relax, that's what makes you sick. Don't over think things that don't need it" she tells me

"Sorry"

"Don't be. Okay, just trust me"

"I do trust you" I say quietly

"I'm going to shoot off now, okay. I'll text you when I get home. Sleep and I'll pick you up at 8am"

I chuckle "8, Okay, that means half seven right?"

"You got it" she says smiling as she stands. I go to stand and she shakes her head "Stay there. I'll see myself out". She leans down and kisses me gently on the lips "Rest"

"I will" I say with a smile

As she leaves I keep the smile on my lips. I can't believe this happened, I can't believe she likes me. I'm nervous about tomorrow, telling Liz and Olivia. I don't know why, but I just can't shake this self doubt and lacking confidence. My censure changed me, and I'm trying to get back to where I used to be, who I was before.

**What did you think? Review please **


	6. Chapter 6

**A.N: I'm glad you are like this. Thanks Blitz1030. :) **

**Tripperz: Remember we don't know what Alex is thinking most of the time, unless she actually states her thoughts out loud. But you'll learn more as the story progresses and what she feels for Casey. **

Chapter 6:

I woke up extremely nervous, I wasn't sure if it was too soon. I didn't even know what we were going to disclose. We'd kissed, and confessed that we liked each other. But what does that really mean? I find myself attracted to her, and not just sexually, while she's stunningly beautiful she's also a really nice person and that attracts me to her, her strength, her demeanour in court, that makes me like her like this.

I shower quickly, and my mind is wandering through everything that's happened. Starting work at SVU, feeling inadequate and below par compared to Alex, building a strong working relationship with the detectives, building a friendship with Olivia. Meeting Alex when she returned for the Liam Connor's trial, her asking me if I was ready in reply to me saying I thought she was. I remember being attacked in my office and Olivia finding me, wondering if I was raped and being relieved that I wasn't, the censure and everything that happened in New Orleans, and to now and this.

I dry myself, dress and sit on the couch with a coffee, waiting for Alex. Then I hear the knock on the door, and I get up to open it, I don't realise I've been crying and that it's plainly obvious to anyone else, until Alex looks at me and says quietly "What's wrong?"

"Everything" I say, but I can't really explain it

She takes my hand as she sits on the couch, pulling me onto her lap, wrapping her arms around me "Talk to me"

"What are we doing?" I ask quietly

"What do you mean?" she asks back, and I know she doesn't get it.

"Us" I say quietly "What are we doing?"

"I don't know" she says and I can tell she's being honest, I sigh and she continues "I told you I really like you, let's just go on a few dates, get to know one another and see what happens"

I nod, I can do that, I think "Okay"

"Listen Case, I want to give this a go. I want us to get to know one another, inside and out. We can take it as slow as we want, as you need and let it take us where it wants to. No pressure okay?"

I smile as I look at her and she kisses my forehead "Maybe we should just keep this to ourselves for a while. If it works, then we can disclose. I don't think there'll be a problem"

I kiss her forehead "That works"

She shifts a little and I smile at her, before she says "We better go"

"I'm happy here" I smile "We don't need to leave yet"

"No, but you need breakfast" she says, pushing me gently from her lap. I think back to what she told me yesterday about her and Olivia. I've tried to push it away but I can't stop it from coming back.

I stand and hold out my hand to her as she stands and I wrap my arms around her "I'm sorry"

"What for?" she asks

"Getting all uptight about you and Olivia"

She shakes her head and I think I've pissed her off as she lets go of me and turns away "I wish you'd let it drop"

"I can't" I say quietly "I've tried, but I can't work out why you lied to me in the first place, and so did Liv"

"It isn't important, Casey. I kissed her, she turned me down, and we forgot about it and moved on"

"You lied to me Alex. That is important" I say. If we are going to enter a relationship we need to trust one another and not hold secrets, not tell lies, and she's already done that.

"I didn't mean for it to hurt you. I just didn't think it needed discussing. It happened a long time ago" she says rubbing her forehead with a sigh

"Nothing else happened, right?" I ask, needing to know the truth

"I promise" she says, and I can hear the honesty in her voice, and I know she's telling the truth.

"Okay" I say "I'm sorry"

She doesn't answer my apology, but instead takes my hand "Come on, let's get breakfast"

* * *

"I don't eat bacon or sausage" I tell Alex as she orders herself a bacon bap, she turns and looks at me and smiles

"You don't eat much do you?"

"I eat a lot of things" I say, but to be honest, I don't really

"Coffee, toast, potato chips and fried chicken Case, that's not a lot" she's not smiling now, instead she looks concerned, her head tilted to one side as she leans against the counter

"I eat more than that. Just, not a lot" I counter as the lady behind the counter asks me.

"Anything for you?"

"Just a coffee" I answer and Alex glares at me "And a plain croissant"

"Casey, you need to eat properly" Alex tells me quietly as she pays for the order

"I do" I say, shaking my head "Please; can we not talk about food?"

"For now" she answers, taking the bag of food from the lady serving us "Thank you"

As we eat in the car, parked outside the diner, Alex gives me a smile and I return it.

"So, tell me about your family" I ask

"My parents aren't alive anymore. You know I'm an only child. I have an Aunt and Uncle" she says

"I'm sorry" I say "I don't talk to my Mom, and my Father has never been around"

"I'm sorry" she tells me and I smile

"So, what else can you tell me about yourself?"

"I can't stand mess"

I throw my hands up laughing "Well, we'll never work. I'm the most disorganised person ever"

She laughs "No kidding, you're place isn't exactly the poster apartment for tidiness"

I pout "That hurts"

Laughing Alex places a kiss on my cheek "You're beautiful when you smile"

"Only when I smile?" I feign hurt but can't help but smile

"Fishing for compliments are you?" she jokes "You need to earn them"

"I do, do I?" I say, our breakfasts now discarded as she leans closer to me

"Yes" she whispers, closing the last gap as our lips meet, albeit slightly awkwardly in the tight space of her car

Our lips graze each others, neither of us pushing for anything overly passionate. I deepen the kiss, teasing her lips with my tongue and she allows me in.

It's a gentle kiss that leaves me feeling fuzzy, but she's breathing hard as she pulls away before smiling

"You kiss pretty well"

"I do, do I?" I chuckle "I earned that compliment, right"

"Certainly" she smiles, as our lips meet for the second time, and this time, it's a fight for dominance, my hands tangled in her hair and her hands cupping my cheeks and our tongues slide and wrestle in each other's mouths. She sucks on my tongue, pulling it from my mouth and I feel my body reacting to the arousal as she begins to plant small kisses along my neck, sucking gently on my pulse point. Her hands have snaked down to my chest and it takes a moment for me to register where we are and what's happening.

I pull away "Alex"

"Mmm" she asks, her eyes closed

"We need to get to work" I tell her and she snaps open her eyes.

I try and smile, but I'm breathing heavily and am just a little frazzled by our activities "Sorry" she mumbles and I shake my head

"It was fine, nice even. But we're in a car Alex" I try and explain "And we're taking it slow"

"It was just a kiss" she says, with a brow raised

"It would have been more. I wanted it to be more" I say and she nods, maybe finally understanding

"Work" she says, and with that one word, we're back to being Alex and Casey, colleagues.

* * *

"The people requests remand your honour. The defendant is a flight risk, with the funds to flee the country. Not to mention the heinous nature of his crimes, leads him to be a threat to the community" Alex is addressing Judge Bradley and she looks sexy as hell doing it.

We are in arraignment and Alex is first chair, we had decided that she would take first chair until I felt comfortable and more confident to take the lead. I was happy to comply, because I was nervous about even being in the courtroom.

"Your honour, my client is a well respected member of the community, with numerous ties here in New York. He has no reason to leave" The Defence Attorney that I now know as Marvin Exley says and I see Alex glaring at him.

"I agree with Miss Cabot. The defendant will be remanded until trial. Next case"

Alex looks at me and I smile, and then nod "Well done"

Alex smiles back at me "You could do it, Casey" she says quietly, so no-one can overhear

I shrug my shoulders and she glares at me, placing a hand reassuringly on my back with a smile "Come on"

"How are you feeling?" Olivia asks me, standing up from the bench where she was sitting

"I'm good" I smile "How are you?"

"I'm good too" she returns the smile "You ladies want to grab lunch?"

"I'm fine" I say "I'm just going back to the office"

"Yep, we'll come" Alex cuts in as soon as I finish speaking, linking her arm through mine "You, be quiet"

Olivia looks at me and then Alex and then breaks into a grin "I need to hear about this"

I sigh and shake my head "You two go. I'll get a sandwich or something here"

"No, you're coming with us" Alex says, tightening her grip on my arm

I can't be bothered to argue. I wish she's just let me do things my way. And now Olivia knows something's going on, it kind of gives me an uneasy feeling.

* * *

"So, when did this happen?" Olivia says as we sit in the booth in the diner. I ordered a sandwich, and realised I actually was hungry.

"Yesterday" Alex says with a smile "We're taking things slow, so not a word Benson"

Olivia nods "My lips are sealed. I'm happy for you both"

I give her a small smile as I continue eating and Olivia excuses herself, stating she needs the loo. Alex turns to me "Are you okay?"

"I'm fine" I say, mustering a small smile and she shakes her head, placing an arm around me

"No, you're not. Talk to me, Case"

"Really, I'm okay" I say but I know she is far from convinced. To be honest, I don't really know what's wrong. I just feel so down lately, since returning, my emotions have been all over the place. My time away changed me, and I'm struggling to find the person I used to be.

"We'll talk properly later" she says quietly as Olivia slides back in opposite. Turning to Olivia, Alex smiles "What about you?"

"I'm seeing Brian" she says with a smile

"Cassidy?" Alex says raising a brow and I look between the two women

"Who?"

Olivia smiles at me "I had a one night stand with him a long time ago. I had a rule never to date someone I worked with. He was reassigned and well, we bumped into each other a few months back. I'm at a different place in my life to where I was then"

I nod, understanding what she's talking about "I know what you mean"

"Casey, I really am sorry for what I said the other day. I can't imagine what it must be like for you, and I can see things are different to what they were before"

"No, you're right Olivia. I have lost my nerve. I'm not the same person, I'm overly cautious. I'm nervous and jumpy, I'm critical and doubtful and I am such an emotional wreck. I just left a part of myself here when I was censured, the move to New Orleans was meant to be a fresh start but I couldn't do my job, I had to work in a juice bar to make ends meet, I got fired because I was shirty with the customers, and then I went to work in wall mart. I thought coming back would be good for me, but the part of me that I left here, she's gone" I explain and I'm crying openly at this point. Alex has put her arm around me and Olivia has moved so that she's sitting on my other side, holding my hands.

"I know how you feel Casey" Alex says to me quietly "When I returned from Witness Protection I would get messages from Olivia and Elliot, and I'd remember that they were there when I was shot. I had to learn a different name, and pretend to be someone else, I had no one. I came back to New York but I just couldn't connect with that old life, I still had my job but I didn't have my friends. I didn't even tell Olivia I was back until I turned up at a crime scene with the Captain, just an hour after accepting the position back at SVU"

Olivia is listening to Alex, as well. I realise that me and Alex have a lot more in common than I previously thought.

"How did you do it?" I ask quietly

"I realised that I had people that care about me. When I came back to SVU, Olivia and I pretended that nothing had happened, but we weren't as close as before I was shot. Slowly, we decided to try and build our friendship back up, and I slowly began to find myself again"

"We wasted a lot of time being angry" Olivia states sadly

"I got engaged, to a man. There wasn't any attraction at all. The fact that we hadn't even had sex must have spoke volumes but he just assumed I wanted to wait until we were married. I don't know what I would have done if I had gone through with it. But seeing Olivia again, it made me realise, that I was just hiding behind comfort. I needed to find myself and that started with admitting I didn't love him"

I pull Alex close to me. All three of us are crying by now, huddled together in a booth. I am glad that we are at the back of the diner, and that it is quiet.

Olivia's cell begins to ring, pulling us out of the comforting embrace we are in, and she pulls away "Benson"

I hear her talking quietly, and I am guessing it's Amaro. Alex is stroking my hair and like last night, it's comforting.

"I've got to go. I'll call you later; maybe we can have a few drinks"

"I'd like that" Alex says before looking at me "Case?"

"Sounds good" I smile as I lift myself from Alex's embrace

"You need a lift" Olivia asks and Alex shakes her head

"We'll walk, but thanks anyway" she says and I am thankful. I need to clear my head and a walk will give me a chance to do just that.

**Review please xx**


	7. Chapter 7

**A.N: Again, thank you for the reviews. I am really enjoying writing this story, and I myself can't wait for the updates. I don't often plan ahead, I write as it comes to me, so I often don't know what's going to happen until it does, if that makes sense. **

**Yes, I agree that Casey needs to get over Olivia and Alex, and this chapter will have Olivia giving her side of the story, and that'll give Casey some closure on the subject. **

Chapter 7:

"I didn't know it was like that" I tell Alex "I'm sorry"

When she explained to me how things had been for her back in Witness Protection, it made me feel awful for even thinking I had it tough. At least I was able to call myself by my own name, and when people asked me what profession I was in, I never hesitated to say I was a prosecutor even though I wasn't practising my profession, but Alex had to lie about everything.

"Don't worry about it, Case. It was a long time ago"

"But still it must be hard to remember that time"

"Sometimes, but then I remember I'm home and I'm still Alex, that I've always been Alex and that I have my job and my friends now"

I feel really bad when she says that, because I am still Casey, and I always have been. I don't get why I feel so distant, why I feel so depressed at times. That's what it is, I feel sorry for myself and that's selfish.

"You need to find yourself, Casey. Get your spark back" she tells me and I smile slightly

"What spark?"

"The spark I saw when you tried Connor's. You are a great attorney Case, I saw that and I still see it. You know, I liked you then"

"What does that mean?" I ask raising a brow.

We had decided to walk back to the Office. After Olivia had left, we took a slow walk back and now we are steadily approaching the office. The warm air, with the gentle wind is nice and it's calming around my shoulders.

"When I had to go back into witness protection, I thought about you a lot"

Is she saying what I think she's saying? Did she feel something for me all those years ago?

"You did?" I ask

"Yes. Casey, you caught my attention. I tried to forget about you, but I couldn't. When I returned, I had heard about your censure through the grapevine. I was shocked but not surprised. You fight for the victims, and you get justice when it is needed. I was much the same, and still am. I was suspended for ordering a search without a warrant, I told Olivia and Elliot to search a suspect's house, leading them to believe a warrant had been obtained"

"You did?" I ask raising a brow "Wow"

"It wasn't one of my finest moments. The thing is Casey, we all make mistakes and we suffer the consequences but it's what makes us better people. We learn and we grow and we come out the other side"

"You said you thought about me a lot. Why?"

"Because I saw something in you, and I find myself wondering how you were doing, what you were doing. It's strange, but it felt right. I tried to find you when I returned, to thank you properly, to get to know you, but Olivia said you'd gone and even she didn't know where you were. I was crushed"

"Really?" I ask. I can't help but smile at this new found knowledge. It makes me feel good inside, but at the same time, it's hard to believe that someone as amazing as Alex would want to get to know me.

"Yes Casey" she says with a smile.

We have arrived at the office and the topic changes back to the current case. Just as we approach our respective offices Alex turns to me "Can I take you to dinner tonight?"

I don't know what to say "I…uh. Sure"

She laughs "You're cute when you get flustered. I know a really nice place, they do great chicken"

I chuckle at her humour and smile "Sounds perfect"

"I'll pick you up, bout 7?"

"That'd work"

She kisses me on the cheek and smiles as she enters her office. I'm wearing a smile as I enter my own office, my mood has improved considerably. This is progress.

* * *

I rush home as soon as 5.30pm arrives. I don't expect Olivia to be waiting at my apartment when I get home but she is.

"Olivia" I say "What's up?"

"Can I talk to you?" she asks

"Do you need a warrant or something? Did you catch a case?" I ask as I let myself into my apartment, Olivia following

"No, it's personal" she says quietly

I turn to her, wondering what it is she could want

"I want to apologise about lying to you, about me and Alex"

"Alex said nothing happened. That she kissed you and that's all"

"Yes, look Casey" she starts "I should have said something, but me and Alex; we've never discussed what happened. We'd both been drinking, I knew she was gay and it just happened. I realised before it went anywhere and told her I was straight and that I thought of her like a sister. Seriously, there was never anything going on. We're friends"

I nod, I know this. Well, that nothing happened "I know. I was being self conscious. Like I said, so much has changed, but maybe I can start over, we can start over". I really mean what I'm saying. I was a fool, and maybe I let my own doubts cloud my judgement.

"I'd like that. You're home early" she observes as I rummage through my wardrobe for something to wear

"I know. Alex is taking me to dinner" I smile

"Ooh a date" she says and I laugh

"Yeah, I guess"

"It's good Casey. You and Alex would be good together. You like her?"

I nod "I do"

"Great. She likes you too, she always has"

"How do you know?" I ask, turning around and she's grinning

"Let's just say, she talks in her sleep"

"She dreamt about me" I half ask, half state in shock, wow.

"I don't know the particulars. But she'd mutter your name a bit"

I shake my head, this is surreal. I've just found out that Alex liked me and thought about me, from two sources now "Wow"

"Look Casey. Talk to me, tell me anything, but you need to let some things out. I know you're finding things overwhelming but I can't help if you don't tell me what's wrong" Olivia says quietly and I run my hand through my hair, still looking for something to wear

"I don't know what to wear" I say, trying to change the subject and because it is the truth.

"Alex will think you look beautiful whatever you wear, but I kind of like this dress" Olivia takes a pale cream dress from the rail, holding it against me, I smile slightly because it's one of my favourite dresses but I haven't worn it in years.

"I used to love this dress" I say quietly, taking it from Olivia and running my hand over the material. It's a wide strapped dress that has a deep v neck, it's tight fitting and ends just above my knees.

"Do you not anymore?" she asks and I sigh

"I do, I just…it's revealing"

"Okay, we can find another one if you're not comfortable with it. But I know it looks good on you"

I give a small smile "You think Alex will like it, it's not too much?" I ask

"Not at all Casey" she says before looking sternly at me "I know you're trying to avoid talking Case, but you have to. What's making you get so down?"

"I'm not down" I say "I'm fine"

"Casey. Alex told me that you don't eat and I've noticed too" she says and I raise my brows

"I do eat" I counter

"Okay, you do. But you don't eat properly. Why?"

I sigh as I run my hand through my hair "New Orleans changed me Olivia. I didn't eat properly, because I had no need to. When I was a prosecutor, I would eat breakfast, to set me up for the day, I'd have coffee breaks periodically throughout the day. I'd grab lunch on the go, or you'd come up and we'd eat in the office. Then when I went home, I'd order take out, or rustle something together. But I'd eat because I needed to keep myself on the ball"

"What changed?"

"I messed up, royally didn't I? I couldn't face up to my mistakes, so I ran. New Orleans seemed like a good idea but it isn't New York. To begin with, I just didn't do anything. I rented an apartment, a tiny little one roomed place, and just moped around. I was depressed Liv. I didn't eat, I didn't do anything, I just slept and pitied myself. But then I realised I needed a job, I needed to do something. I got a job in a juice bar, but the customers could be rude, and I'd see things and think, they could get in trouble for that and I'd remember that I used to be a prosecutor. I'd get angry and be rude to people. I got fired, and that just sent me into a downward spiral. I drank, and before you ask, no I wasn't an alcoholic" I looked up at Olivia and I could tell she was shocked by my emotional rambling

"Casey" she whispered "How much did you drink?"

"I wasn't an alcoholic Olivia. I'm not, okay. I just would have a couple of drinks every night. I didn't need them and when I managed to get a job in wall mart, things improved. Look, things happened and then I got a call from Liz, she said I still had a position if I wanted it. I was shocked, and it took me weeks to accept, but then I was told I would be supervised"

Olivia looks at me sadly "Why couldn't you talk to me earlier? You could have called any of the time you were away, I would have listened"

"I was ashamed Olivia, of everything"

"Why did you come back?"

"Because I thought it was what I needed. New York is my home" I try and explain, I'm emotional again and the tears are falling slowly.

"You need to talk to Alex" she tells me quietly

"I will" I say "But not tonight"

"And any time you need me, you can call, okay?" she says with a small smile

"Thank you" I wipe away the last of my tears and give her a small smile "Can I get ready now?"

"Certainly" she grins "Have a lovely evening Case. I'll let myself out"

I run my hands through my hair as she leaves and look at the dress. It really is a lovely dress, and I used to think it looked nice on me. But I'm doubtful now.

Once I've showered, I pull on the dress. I'm amazed it still fits, I know I've lost weight but the dress isn't too loose, it feels comfortable but I'm still not sure. I leave my hair down, just brushing out the tangles and I carefully apply a touch of make-up.

I sigh and look in the mirror, I look at myself from different angles and find myself contemplating finding something else but just as I'm about to I hear a knock on the door.

I panic, Alex is early and I'm still not sure about the dress. "Hang on a minute" I manage to call out, my throat dry and raspy

"Whatever you're thinking Case, you're wrong" I hear Alex say from the other side of the door

I tentatively open it and my mouth drops to the floor. I don't even attempt to hide it. Alex looks absolutely stunning; I immediately wrap my hands around my own body as I breathe out "You look beautiful"

She's wearing a pale blue spaghetti strapped dress that falls nicely across her chest, showing a little cleavage. The dress hangs neatly on her body, and ends at her knees. She is wearing white heels and holding a white clutch, her jewellery is minimal as is her makeup and she looks effortlessly beautiful.

She takes my hands as I see her eyes skim over my outfit before she smiles "You look amazing, Case"

I blush and go to recoil, but Alex grips my hands harder "You really do"

"Thank you" I say with a smile, relaxing as Alex's eyes show her honesty and delight in my chosen outfit.

"Are you ready?" she asks and I nod, grabbing my own clutch, before shutting the door.

"So where are you taking me?" I ask with a smile

"You'll have to wait and see" she says with a twinkle in her eyes that makes me melt.

We enter the elevator and she presses up against me, her lips meeting mine in a hungry and wanton kiss. I feel my body tingling at the sensation as my hands roam her body, over her firm butt cheeks and I smile. She is beautiful, and I want to see more of her.

The elevator tings, startling us both and we both burst out laughing before she takes my hand, leading me out into the lobby of the building.

**I wanted to get deeper into Casey's psychology, so let me know what you think? Any ideas for the date? **


	8. Chapter 8

**A.N: So a big thank you for the comments on the last chapter. **

**So, this chapter is the first date.**

Chapter 8:

We took a cab, because Alex wanted to have a few drinks. After my conversation with Olivia, I was nervous. She'd looked at me questionably and I could tell she wasn't overly convinced about my drinking but the truth is exactly what I told her, I'm not an alcoholic and I don't have a problem. I've had 3 drinks since returning from New Orleans, that's all. I just drank a little more than maybe I should have, but I wasn't addicted. I know that is what alcoholics say when they are in denial but that isn't me.

We're sitting in the cab, and Alex has her arm draped around me while I rest my head on her shoulder. I feel relaxed even though I'm nervous. I'm nervous about where we're going and just the whole thing to be honest. It's a while since I dated, since I went out with someone.

"Are you okay, Case? You're very quiet" she asks me and I look up at her with a small smile

"Just thinking"

"You want to share?" she asks tentatively and I can see the gentle concern in her eyes

"I'm just nervous" I say quietly and she places a finger on my cheek, gently caressing my face before kissing me sweetly on the lips

"Don't be"

I smile back at her and sigh before snuggling into her shoulder again

The remainder of the journey is quiet. I can hear Alex breathing and I can hear her heartbeat faintly where my head is resting. It's relaxing and calming and with my eyes closed, I'm revelling in the comfortable silence.

"Case" Alex whispers and I open my eyes "We're here"

I lift myself from her, and give her a small smile "I wasn't asleep" I tell her and she chuckles

"You probably would have been if we'd stayed like that for any longer"

I chuckle at her accuracy, she's always right somehow. I look out the window and I can see we are outside what looks like a very expensive restaurant.

"Al" I say quietly and she looks at me raising her brows

"What's wrong?"

"This place looks expensive" I say, looking down at my dress

Alex takes my hand "You look perfectly fine"

I'm not convinced. This place just looks like I shouldn't be here, it's so upmarket and I'm not used to eating in places like this. It makes me more nervous. I'm trembling as I step out the car and Alex pulls me closer to her with a deep sigh

"We can go somewhere else if you're really not comfortable"

I feel bad now, she doesn't look hurt, but she planned this and I'm acting like a bitch so instead I smile "its fine"

She gives me a small smile back, handing the cab driver the fare and then says to me really quietly "I like the way you call me Al"

"I'm sorry, I…wait, you like it?" I stutter before registering what she'd actually said, and then I smile

She nods, taking my head and leading me into the restaurant. It's quiet and romantic and I'm touched by Alex's efforts.

"Table for two" she says to the waitress before we hear a voice exclaiming

"Alexandra Cabot. It's been a while"

"Hey Antonio, I've just been really busy with work" Alex tells the man, who has pulled her into a warm hug

"Its fine Alexandra, now who's this beautiful lady?" he turns to me and I give a shy smile, blushing at his words

"This is my girlfriend Casey" Alex says giving my hand a squeeze before wrapping her arm around my waist. My heart flutters at hearing Alex call me her girlfriend and I break into a grin

"It's lovely to meet you" Antonio says to me extending his hand "Antonio Luis. Welcome to Luis Palace"

I shake his hand "Thank you"

He leads us over to a secluded area, where there is a table for two set up with wine glasses and a deep red rose in a vase in the centre of the table. Alex pulls out a chair for me, and I blush at the gesture, although I find it really sweet. Antonio hands us two menu's "Drinks for you lovely ladies?"

"I'll have a Pinot Grigio" Alex answers

"I'll have the same" I add and he smiles before leaving us to look over the menus.

I furrow my brows at the different dishes, not really understand what I'm reading and I hear Alex giggle "You look confused Case"

I glare at her, to show I am not impressed by her teasing "That's because I am" I sigh "I have no idea what I am reading"

Alex hands me another menu "This one is simpler" she says "Same dishes, more information. Choose a first course and a second"

I give her a small smile "I can't eat that much Alex"

"Yes, you can. There only small dishes"

Antonio returns with our drinks and is accompanied by a young woman who gives Alex a smile and I scowl, hang on a minute, am I getting Jealous because someone smiled at Alex. Oh my goodness, that's just stupid. I sigh and Alex furrows her brows "Have you decided yet?" she asked and I nod

"I'll take the Minestrone Soup and the Tuscan Chicken Stew"

Alex chuckles and I smile awkwardly

"I'll have the minestrone soup as well, and the Spinach and ricotta Ravioli" she says and the waitress smiles at her again. I have to turn my head away before I end up burning her with my eyes.

"Are you jealous Novak?" Alex asks as the waitress leaves us and I look up at her, feeling myself blush in embarrassment "I think it's sweet"

I laugh and am immediately relaxed "Tell me about yourself Alex, what do you like doing? What are your hobbies?" I ask as I take a sip of the wine

"Well, I like to read a lot and I go to the gym every Friday" she begins, her glass in her hand and I smile

"You go to the gym?" I ask, and I immediately think of a sweaty Alex on the treadmill. I can imagine her toned abs flexing the muscles as she works out, her lips slightly pursed as she breaths heavily. I feel the arousal building in my stomach and have to swallow a groan

"You're salivating Casey" Alex laughs "Yes, I go to the gym"

"You look hot" I blurt out and then blush "Oh my god"

I bury my head in my hands, feeling such a fool. I am so embarrassed right now, it's not even funny, which prompts me to take a few swigs of the wine, swirling it around in my mouth

Alex just laughs again "You should come with me"

I blush again, and swallow hard to stop myself from choking on the wine or spraying it over her and ignore her statement "What books do you read?"

"I like all the classics. I also like stories about the war, and law obviously" she says with a smile "What do you do in your spare time?"

"I watch a lot of sport" I tell her "And I play softball"

"Oh wow. You enjoy it?" she asks and I nod with a smile

"Yeah, it's fun and a good work out as well" I say and then blush as my mind wanders back to Alex in shorts and a sports bra

"I was being serious Case; you should come to the gym with me"

I give her a small smile as the waitress approaches with our soups. I had thought it was cute that we'd ordered the same first course.

"You don't have to be embarrassed Casey. I think it's flattering" she says quietly and I scoff

"What, me dribbling over you like a teenager?"

"If that's how you want to put it. If it makes you feel better, I think you'd look pretty hot yourself which is why I said you should come with me"

I blush again and the smile. Alex said she thought I'd look hot working out, oh my god. I feel like a giddy schoolgirl.

We fall into a comfortable silence as we sip our soups, and I smile as I watch Alex break small pieces of her bread, dipping it into the soup before popping it into her mouth. Is it really wrong that I find Alex eating bread like this sexy?

"What type of music are you into?" she asks me pulling me from my not so PG thoughts.

"I like pop/rock mainly, you know, Pink, Green Day, All Time Low. But I do like some country songs and a few of the pure pop songs"

"I love All Time Low" she gushes "But I'm more of a classical music kind of girl"

I frown, because to be honest, we don't have a lot of things in common and this worries me a little.

"What is it?" she asks and I smile at her ability to notice when I'm thinking

"We don't have much in common" I say honestly

"Sure we do Case, and anyway, does that matter that much?" she raises a brow

"How are we going to do things together if we aren't into the same things?"

"We compromise" she says, taking my hand with hers as if the answer was obvious and maybe it was "We'll do things you enjoy some days and other days we'll do what I choose. And maybe we can find new things that we can do and both enjoy"

I nod and smile, finishing my soup and putting down my spoon "Sorry, I'm just…"

"Over thinking things that don't need to be" she finishes for me, squeezing my hand and I smile.

The waitress returns and takes our dishes, without even looking at Alex and I think maybe she got the hint by seeing our hands interlocked in the middle of the table.

Returning the waitress places our second courses in front of us and Alex lets go of my hand before picking up her knife and fork with a smile

I take a bite of the chicken and find that it is delicious "Mmm"

"I told you they did good chicken" she says with a smile and I return it widely

"It's really good"

"I'm glad" she smiles as she tucks into her ravioli that I admit looks rather tasty

"Try some" she says offering my a piece on the fork, I lean across the table and take the pasta from the fork

"Mmm, that's good" I murmur, licking my lips. I notice Alex looking at my lips and I smirk

"Are you eyeing me up Cabot?"

She nods "I just want to kiss you"

"Well go on then" I almost dare her and she leans across the table, and kisses me deeply before pulling away smirking before sitting back into her seat and continuing to eat.

We fall into another silence, just as comfortable as the first as we eat our meals. Alex orders another two glasses of wine, one for each of us. I don't want to drink too much and ruin the lovely time we are having, so I refuse when the waitress asks if we'd like a third.

When we finish our meals, Alex orders two coffee's "Would you like to come over to mine?" she asks

I raise a brow, I haven't been to Alex's yet but I'm tentative of the time "It's getting late"

"Then stay" she says quietly and the amends, no doubt seeing my thoughts flick back and forth "I'll sleep on the couch"

"I…" I begin, trying to calm my brain enough to speak "Maybe I better not"

"What's wrong Case?" she places her hand on mine and I draw it back

"Sorry" I say quietly "I'm just nervous"

"About?"

"This. Us. I want to take it slow"

"I'm not asking you to share a bed with me Casey" she says, her brows furrowed in confusion

"What if I want you to ask?" I say quietly, almost willing her not to hear

"I see" she says quietly, reaching for my hand again, she manages to reach it before I move it out of the way "Then, share a bed with me"

"No" I say a little abruptly "I mean, I want to, but I don't want to do anything"

"We don't have to have sex" she says bluntly and I glare at her

"You don't get it Alex, I'm trying to control myself but I want you" I try to explain, my cheeks no doubt blushing

"Come on; let's get the bill" she says quietly "I'll take you home"

I panic, thinking I've upset her "Al, I'm sorry"

"Hey, don't apologise. I didn't understand what you were trying to say. Let's just go, okay"

As we step out onto the sidewalk, Alex wraps her arms around me, and kisses me gently on the lips "I want you to, but let's not rush it okay"

"That's what I was trying to say" I say quietly, as she pulls me close, stroking my hair "I'd like to go to yours"

Alex hails a cab and gives the driver her address as we climb in the back. I snuggle into her shoulder like I did on the journey here and she places a kiss on my forehead "I had a really lovely time tonight"

"Me too" I murmur "I'm sorry I almost ruined it"

"Hey" she says, lifting my chin so she's looking directly at me "You didn't almost ruin anything. We need to be honest with each other, talk about things. I want you to be totally open with me about everything"

I nod and snuggle closer to her "I don't think we should rush things either"

"When we get to mine, let's just cuddle on the couch; maybe watch a movie and talk. Then, you can decide whether you want to stay or not. And if you want to, I'll take the couch. I want you to be comfortable Case"

"Okay" I murmur. I've had a really lovely time so far, barring my insecurities and big mouth, it's been a really good evening, and I don't want it to end.

**Review please.**

**I don't know whether I'll get to update tomorrow. I've got to pop into Town tomorrow morning and then I am going up London to see Jessie J in concert with a friend (mega excited lol) but if I get time I will see if I can get something written. If not, next update will be Thursday **


	9. Chapter 9

**A.N: Last night in London was amazing, such a great night out, and Jessie J was brilliant! I'm still buzzing from the whole experience.**

**So, I didn't get to post yesterday, but I did start writing the chapter and finished it this morning. **

**There's a bit of explicit flirting, but nothing overly graphic.**

Chapter 9:

"Go and make yourself comfortable on the couch" Alex says to me, pointing at a large leather sofa which I promptly drop into. I hear her chuckle as she heads into the kitchen. I run my hand through my hair as I look around the huge living room. I don't see many photographs, except for a couple above the fireplace that show what I believe to be a young Alex and an older gentlemen that I am guessing is her father and another of her with the detectives at the one six.

"That was Christmas, before I was shot" she says and I look up to see her holding to mugs "Cocoa?"

I smile and nod as she hands me the mug, I wrap my hands around it, taking a sip, promptly burning my tongue "Ow!"

Alex chuckles before taking the mug from my hands, placing it beside hers on the small table "Was that hot?" she asks. I nod, and blush at my nervous stupidity before she asks "Can I kiss it better?"

I don't get a chance to reply before her lips are on mine, her teeth tugging at my sore tongue which she begins to suck before planting small kisses on my lips. She's managed to straddle me and I can feel her smiling as she continues to kiss my lips, my hands move to tangle in her hair as hers roam my spine, making me shiver all over.

I pull away and she climbs off of me so she's sitting beside me on the couch. She pulls me closer to her, wrapping her arms around my waist and I rest my head on her shoulder smiling.

"Are we going to watch a movie?" she asks and I shrug my shoulders, she glares at me and then says "I wish you'd stop tensing up Case, I only asked if we were going to watch a movie?"

"I know" I sigh "its habit"

She strokes my hair away from my face before kissing me on the forehead "Let's just talk like this. Softball, you said…hobby or something else"

"I used to play for Sex Crimes" I tell her with a small smile

"So, you're good at it then?"

I laugh "I wouldn't say that. But I did enjoy it. I've been meaning to go to the batting cages but just haven't had the time since I've been back"

"Maybe you can take me some day" she smiles as I look up at her.

I nod with a smile "Yeah. What about you? Anything else you can tell me?"

She chuckles "What do you want to know?"

"I don't know. Just tell me something"

"The last time we played this, I blurted out that I was gay and liked you" she chuckles with a blush

"Well I'm glad you did" I say quietly, lifting myself up so my lips meet hers gently. I know she wants to deepen it by the way she's pulled me closer to her and is teasing my lower lip but I know If I give in, I won't be able to stop myself, so I pull back, smiling shyly.

"Not fair" she whispers to me, attempting to capture my lips again, but I turn my head, sighing as I snuggle into her shoulders

"Slow remember Al"

She nods and gives me a squeeze "Are you coming to the gym with me after work tomorrow?"

"Do you want me to?" I ask, looking up at her

"Yes, but only if you want"

"I do" I say with a smile

We lay together, arms around one another on the couch. I really have had a lovely time, and I don't want it to end, but I'm still really nervous about sleeping at Alex's, for one, I don't have anything with me to wear and secondly because I don't know if I can control my libido with her sleeping not that far away.

"Did you want to stay?" she asks me quietly after a while and I look up to her, she must have sensed that I was on the fence because she asked "Talk to me through what you're thinking"

I sigh as I sit up straight, Alex continues her hold on me as I rub my hand through my hair, trying to compose my thoughts into words "I'd like to stay" I murmur "But I don't have pyjamas"

"I have" she says with a smile "I'm sure they'd fit you"

I smile back at her, taking a deep breath "And because I don't know if I can stop myself from wanting you"

She gives me a small smile "I know. I want you too. You don't have to stay, Case. I can take you home and we can do this when you're ready"

I sigh, making my decision "Can I stay?"

She smiles "Of course. I'll go get some jammies"

Alex lifts herself from the couch, and I lean back, breathing a sigh of relief before giving a nervous chuckle.

She returns a couple of minutes later with two sets of pyjamas "I didn't know what you liked, so I chose a couple of different"

I take them from her, and notice how skimpy they are; in being that both sets are shorts. I blush as I wonder whether Alex has worn them recently, and what she'd look like in them.

"Are they too revealing?" she says quickly "I could find some sweatpants but you might be a bit hot"

I blush, and shake my head "They're fine" I manage, in almost a stammer, handing her back a pair, and patting the ones on my lap "I'll wear these"

"Bathroom's through there" she points to a door "Spare toothbrush and flannel on the stool"

"Thanks" I say with a smile, getting up to head to the bathroom as Alex is pulling pillows from a closet.

* * *

I awoke to sunlight streaming through the windows. I glanced at the clock as I lay on my left side. 6am. I hadn't registered my surroundings but before I got the chance I felt a cool breath on my neck, and then I registered the hand across my hip, resting on my stomach. Alex was in bed with me. I tried to remember how this had happened. I glanced downwards, breathing a sigh of relief that I was wearing pyjamas before adjusting myself to face Alex, breathing another sigh as she was also clad in a pair of pyjamas, or to be more accurate, shorts and a camisole top.

"Hey" she whispered opening her eyes, meeting mine

I blushed and gave a small smile "Hi"

She pulled me closer to her and I averted my gaze elsewhere "Hey, what's wrong?" she asked and I shrugged my shoulders before saying in a half whisper

"You're in bed with me"

She chuckled and withdraws her hand from where it had rested, dangerously close to my backside. "You were dreaming Case. I thought you needed some comfort"

I didn't remember dreaming, and I certainly didn't remember Alex crawling into the bed. "I don't remember"

"You were in a pretty deep sleep babe. Sorry if it was a bit forward of me, you just looked like you needed someone"

I gave a small nod and a smile "Thanks"

"It's still early; you rest a little longer Case. I'm going to go shower"

I was about to ask if she wanted company but then decided that wouldn't be appropriate just yet. I shook my head trying to rid it of the thought and she smiled at me, placing a kiss on my cheek, before climbing from the covers. I sighed at the loss of contact, realising that I actually really liked waking up with Alex, it was comforting.

I lay in the bed, thinking. I could smell the scent of Alex's perfume on the pillow, and the faint smell of vanilla that accompanied it. I found myself getting aroused by the scent while thinking of Alex in her little night-time outfit.

Subconsciously, I began touching myself, slipping my hand into my undergarments my eyes closed as I thought of Alex in the shower. The soap suds covering her breasts and stomach, her hands massaging the skin as she cleaned herself. I thought of her standing under the spray of the water, her body wet and slippery as she showered.

I felt my orgasm building in my stomach as I moaned, my thumb rubbing my clit as I thrust a finger in and out of my folds. I bit my lip from screaming out as I trembled and shook from the force of my climax

I brought myself down and as I opened my eyes I saw Alex standing in the doorway, towel around her body, her face flushed and a small smile on her lips

I bolted up right, blushing before covering my face with both hands "Oh my god. I can't believe you saw that"

I heard a faint chuckle and then the bed dipped as she put an arm around me and pulled me close to her "Don't be embarrassed Case. That was hot"

I chuckled at her humour, as I pulled my hands from my face, no doubt still red with embarrassment; she turned my face so that I was looking at her, before placing a kiss on my lips.

I sighed and snuggled into her "You better go shower" she said quietly

"Mmm" I mumbled, still in shock at being caught pleasuring myself and still slightly buzzing from the intensity of the orgasm

Alex giggled "Did that orgasm feel as good as it looked?"

I looked up at her with wide eyes, blushing and then I nodded "It was pretty good"

She giggled again "You know, don't be ashamed Case. It's perfectly natural. Just answer me one thing, what were you thinking about?"

I blushed "You in the shower"

She laughed even louder "Really? You're serious?"

I gave her a small smile "Totally"

She blushed "I'm flattered" she said before kissing me on the forehead "Go shower. Let me dress"

I managed to remove myself from her embrace, and climb out of the bed. I walked to the bathroom, a little wobbly and heard her giggle, I turned around and she began to undo her towel. "Alex" I squeaked out as she let it drop and I got a perfect view of pale round breasts, her nipples pink and visibly taut. She giggled, no doubt at my shock and smiled

"You like?"

I nodded, and blushed, before hurrying into the bathroom. This was too much, too soon. Everything was moving so fast and if I'd stared any longer, I would have taken her right there and that wouldn't have been a great idea, as we would have been late for work and oh my god, was she expecting…did she think that me pleasuring myself was instigating sex?

"Casey" I heard her call a few minutes later "What do you want for breakfast?"

I had to suck in a breath to stop myself from answering with 'You' and instead replied "Just a coffee"

"You sure? I've got croissants"

"I could have one I guess" I answered with a smile, knowing what she was doing.

I stepped into the shower, relieved that the water wasn't too hot. I showered quickly, and then realised I hadn't asked for a towel. I groaned, knowing I'd have to ask Alex to pass me one.

"Al" I called

"You need a towel?" she answered before giggling "I wondered when you'd realise"

I groaned again, at my stupidity and the fact that she had known all along that I didn't have one.

The door opened a pick and a hand, holding a towel became visible "Here you go"

I gave her a quiet thanks, trying to hide from her sight "I can see you through the mirror Case" she said, and I quickly covered myself with the towel, after snatching it from her hands "By the way, you're gorgeous"

She shut the door, leaving me blushing, and trembling slightly. I wasn't sure if it was from the chill of emerging from a warm shower, or just my reaction to her seeing me naked. I laughed and guessed we were even.

I dried quickly, and exited the bathroom, holding the towel around myself, half afraid it would drop and I would give Alex another free show.

Thankful she was in the kitchen, I dressed quickly "Have you got a hairdryer I can use?" I asked as she passed the bedroom.

"Sure" she smiled, entering and rummaging through a drawer, pulling out a hot pink hairdryer "Here"

"Thanks" I said with a smile, not meeting her eyes

"I didn't mean to embarrass you Case" she said quietly "But I meant what I said, you're gorgeous"

I shook my head "No I'm not but thanks"

She pulled me into her arms, kissing my lips gently "You are"

I sighed "I've got to dry my hair"

She released my from her arms with a small smile, I could tell she was concerned, and I also saw a hint of annoyance which made me feel terrible "Okay"

"Alex" I whispered "Sorry", tears forming in my eyes

"Hey" she whispered back, reaching for my hand, which she grasped tightly "Don't be sorry, you didn't do anything"

I couldn't speak because the gentleness in her voice just overwhelmed me as my tears overflowed and my body trembled with the emotion, a stark contrast to the euphoric pleasure of only a short time ago.

She didn't speak, just held me against her, stroking my hair as I let my tears fall freely. When they had died down, I took a deep breath "I'm sorry"

She chuckled "Stop apologising Case. Sometimes, we need to cry. Talk to me babe; tell me what you're feeling"

"I don't know" I say honestly "I was embarrassed when you caught me, and then you dropped your towel, and…I don't know. I was scared you'd thought I wanted to, you know and I do…I just…time, and fear and you saw me naked and my body…I can't see the beauty" I manage, taking deep breaths, almost gasping for air as I tried to explain

"Oh baby. I wasn't trying to push you, I was just teasing you honey. I'm sorry"

I shook my head "No, you're fine. I like the teasing, Alex. I was just scared"

"I know" she said quietly, kissing me gently on the cheek "Come on, let's have breakfast"

**I really enjoyed writing that chapter. Might get another chapter up later.**


	10. Chapter 10

**A.N: Another chapter for you lovely people.**

**Sarainthewoods: Thank you. It really was a great night but I'm glad you enjoyed the last chapter and hope you enjoy this one too. We'll get to the romantic, and sexy stuff all in good time, but just giving you a little teaser. :)**

**Tripperz: Casey just needs to be shown love, and to be shown that everyone makes mistakes but we learn from them. It's tough going away from everything you've known, and coming back and trying to forget the past. But she'll get there. **

**Abbie makes an appearance in this chapter. **

Chapter 10:

I hadn't seen Alex all day; in fact I hadn't seen anyone all day. I'd been stuck in my office trying to write an opening statement but my head was pounding, and I was unable to concentrate. I had been replaying yesterday and this morning's events over and over but I wasn't able to get anything from it, if anything it made me more self conscious, and nervous.

Now I was lying on the couch, my head spinning and my body trembling with the emotion it was pouring out, my eyes were red and teary and I couldn't think with everything going crazy inside.

"Casey?" I heard faintly but wasn't able to register who it was talking to me "Casey, can I come in?"

As the door opens I glance upwards "Abbie?"

"Hey you" she says quietly, looking at me with concern "What's wrong?"

I open my mouth to speak but I'm overcome with the desperate emotions again, as I sob into the couch. Abbie sits down on the edge of the couch, and rubs my shoulder gently.

"What's happened, Casey?" she asks again when my crying has subsided but when I try and speak, I end up coughing and gasping for breath. Panic setting in, as I struggle to keep myself calm. The tears are falling again, and I'm shaking hard as she looks at me with wide eyes.

I barely register her dialling someone on her cell and talking, but within minutes the door bursts open and Olivia rushes to my side "Casey?"

My sobs still cause me to shake but I've managed to take a few deep breaths and I can feel myself calming, enough to look at the two concerned faces beside me

"You're okay" Olivia whispers soothingly "Hey, talk to us"

"I…" I begin before looking at Abs who hasn't said anything since Olivia came in "What are you doing in New York, Carmichael?"

"I'm visiting Serena for a few days" she explains to me. Abbie and Serena have been best friends for years, long before I'd met either of them. Abbie had helped me on a few of my very first SVU cases, and was such a big help. She gave me the confidence to keep working at it, and not to transfer back out.

Abbie had worked in the Manhattan DA's office for a quite a few years, also being SVU ADA alumni, before transferring to Brooklyn and then skipping the state all together. She had found a job in DC and had been over there for nearly a year now.

"Talk to us, Casey" Olivia prompts again, and I sigh. I have dried all my tears, and while still feeling vulnerable and emotional, I'm composed enough to form coherent sentences even if what I'm saying doesn't really make sense in my head.

"It's complicated and I'm not comfortable discussing the particulars" I say, not really wanting to go into my intimate thoughts, even with two people I'd consider friends.

"You and Alex had sex?" she asked and Abbie gapes at me

"Are you and Cabot…oh my goodness, Casey? You gotta tell me" she rushes out, and I hear her texan drawl, that she hasn't lost being away from her home state

I roll my eyes at Abs and shake my head "No Olivia, we didn't"

"That's the problem?" she asks, raising a brow, and I can tell I'm not really giving much away

"No, yes…I mean. I want to, but we said we'll take it slow and I'm nervous and self conscious, and I don't know" I say. Abbie is rubbing my back soothingly, while Olivia is perched next to me.

The door opens and Alex looks at us questionably, I begin to cry again, feeling stupid and weak and I hear Alex say quietly to the others "What's wrong?"

"I think you need to talk" Olivia says just as quietly and Abbie gives my shoulders a squeeze. "I'll catch up with you soon"

I sigh and nod, pulling myself into a sitting position. As they leave, Alex approaches, with a sad and concerned look on her face. It doesn't help when she looks at me like that.

"You okay?" she asks tentatively and I resist the urge to laugh or scream. Instead I avert my gaze and shrug my shoulders.

"No, you're not. Casey, talk to me!" she says, a little forcefully but I just coil into a ball

"I'd like to be alone for a bit Al" I whisper. I don't want to be, but I can't talk to her right now, I just need some space.

"You're really worrying me Case" she says, placing a hand on my thigh

"I said, I want to be alone" I say harshly and she flinches at the tone I'm using before standing up and sighing

"Call me when you're ready" she says, placing a kiss on my cheek, as the tears slide down them. I notice the unshed tears in her eyes, and feel terrible but I just can't deal right now.

* * *

I hear a knocking on the office door; I glance at the clock and notice that it's 9pm. I must have fallen asleep after Alex left.

"Come in" I call out hoarsely, and Olivia is standing with her hands on her hips as she kicks the door ajar with her foot

"You're being rather stupid Novak" she says shaking her head as she sits in the chair at my desk.

I pull myself up into a ball, shrugging my shoulders "Yeah well, that's just me, stupid Casey Novak"

"No, you don't get to play the self pity card Casey!" she says loudly, causing me to jump, not expecting the anger in her voice "Alex was really upset when you pushed her away earlier. She came straight to me. I was still talking to Abbie on the steps outside"

"I just can't talk to her" I sigh, beginning to rock back and forth

Olivia comes to sit by my side, stilling my movements "Stop that. Before we talk, when did you last eat?"

I shrug my shoulders "Breakfast"

"Case, that doesn't help at all. Come over to my place, we'll get take out"

"I was meant to be going to the gym with Alex" I remember, a tear escaping my eyes "What have I done? She probably hates me now"

"No, she doesn't. She's just worried Case. I know that you can't help feeling like this, but you can let us in"

"I'm scared" I say in barely a whisper

"What of, Case?" she asks gently

"I'm scared that Alex won't enjoy it"

"Sex?"

I blush and nod "Yeah. I can't believe I'm talking to you about this"

"Hey" she says quietly "Don't be embarrassed. Alex told me what happened this morning, and last night. You need to talk to her about how you really feel, not just using going slow as an excuse Case. Because, if you want it, don't fight it"

"I suppose"

"I'm taking you to Alex's; you need to talk to her. I want to listen to your worries, but telling me won't help" she says, pulling my from the couch

I'm terrified of talking to Alex; I don't want her to think I'm stupid even if I am. I'm so confused it hurts.

* * *

"Olivia" Alex says opening the door, and Olivia gives her a small smile, before looking in my direction

"I brought someone to see you" she tells the blonde and I step into Alex's view. I can tell she's been crying and it makes me feel awful, and I break down in front of her

"I'm so sorry" I cry out.

Olivia rubs my back "Go on. I'll talk you both tomorrow and Alex, make sure she eats something" she says before leaving me in front of Alex

"You coming in Case?" she asks me quietly, her voice soothing and gentle.

I nod, as I enter her apartment. She takes my arm, leading me to the couch, before pulling me down with her "I'm really sorry for pushing you away" I say quietly, snuggling into her, as her arms wrap around me.

"Hey, you're forgiven. Just talk to me, Case"

"I'm scared I won't be what you want, I'm scared you'll look at me and think I'm ugly, and weak. I feel it" I say, in awe at my ability to actually speak after the day I've had.

"Never" she says firmly "You are beautiful, and I mean that, it's true. You are not weak, and you need to see that. I know you're not. You've had a rough time, and you've lost part of yourself, but she's in there" Placing a hand over my heart, she kisses my cheek

"Is she?" I ask

"Yes Case, you need to let go of the past. On Monday, you're going to take first chair" she says, and my eyes grow wide and I mumble incoherently, in a panic "I'll be there, so calm down. You have my support always. You'll be fine, honestly"

I shrug my shoulders

"And stop doing that!"

She pulls me tighter to her "Olivia said I had to make sure you eat so shall I cook you something?"

I go to shrug but I can see Alex glaring at me "Yeah" I say quietly

"When did you last eat?"

"Breakfast" I mumble and I hear her sigh

"What do you fancy?"

"Have you got any soup?" I ask "I don't know if I can eat anything heavy"

She gives me a small smile "I think I could find a tin of something, if that's okay?"

I nod and she releases me, I stand and allow her to move from her space behind me

"You need any help?" I ask

"Nah, I'm cool babe. Just relax, okay"

It seems like a long time until she returns but the clock only shows it was 10 minutes.

I take the soup from her and she giggles "Don't burn your tongue this time"

I smirk "Don't want to kiss it better then?"

She laughs louder "I can do that anytime"

I don't answer her, instead I place my bowl on the table in front of me, and waggle my eye brows "Come and get me"

She raises a brow and I take the bowl from her hands, placing it next to mine, before kissing her gently on the lips, as she goes to deepen it, I pull away and laugh at her not too happy face. She reaches up to grab my hips and I jerk backwards before running across the room, she's right behind me and I squeal as her hands wrap around my waist, lifting me into the air

"Put me down Al"

"You told me to come and get you" she chuckles, carrying me back to the couch before tickling my ribs, causing me to squirm and laugh beneath her, before I feel myself getting light headed "Alex, stop" I say hoarsely "I think I'm going to pass out"

She lets go of me, pulling me up with her, stroking my head "Just relax, breathe with me sweetie. Here, have some water"

She hands me a glass, already filled that was sitting on the unit. I take a few mouthfuls, before closing my eyes "I'm so tired"

"You need to eat babe. The soup should be okay now" she says, handing me a bowl as I open my eyes and take a breath

I relax as I begin to sip the tomato soup, relieved that I didn't actually pass out. I know that I'm not eating enough, and it's going to make me ill soon. I'll try and eat more.

"Casey. Can you talk to me, please? I'm worried about you, and I don't know if it's just that you're self conscious and still trying to get your confidence back. I want to help you, look after you, but I don't know why you're so tense and frightened"

I sigh, and run my free hand through my hair, balancing the bowl on my lap as I continue to eat/drink the soup.

"I don't know Al. I made so many mistakes in SVU, and they were stupid and ridiculous. I just seemed to lose myself in the justice and I let personal things affect the professional. I was just a complete mess. I shut myself off from everyone, and I spent a lot of the time drinking, and wallowing in self pity" I explain

"You drank?" she asked, raising a brow "How much Case?"

"A fair bit. I've told this to Olivia, I wasn't an alcoholic; I just used drink to forget for a bit. I got a job in a juice bar, but got fired because I was rude to the customers. I let myself get too wound up and too easily. Working in wall mart, gave me a lot of time to think and when I got a call from Liz I realised I needed to get myself back, so I came back to New York and accepted the position I had just left"

"Casey, what happened, happened, you can't change it, but you can look forward. You are a brilliant prosecutor. Liz wouldn't have rehired you if she hadn't thought you would be able to do the job. Regardless of what you did, you are still a very good prosecutor"

I give her a small smile "Thanks"

"No problem. Now, let me take you home, and you get some rest, okay" she says, taking the bowl from my hands with a smile and I make a decision

"Can I stay here again?"

Alex gives me a wide smile as she stands up "Of course. I'll get the couch set up again"

I shake my head "Sleep with me, please. I just want you to hold me Alex"

"If you're sure Case" she says, planting a kiss on my forehead before heading into the kitchen with the now empty bowls.

When she returns, I give her a small smile, and begin to undress. Her eyes go wide, as she looks at me with questioning eyes "Case?"

"It's okay Alex" I say shyly, I'm nervous but I want to feel her. I don't think I'm ready for anything to happen, but I just want to be as close to her as possible

"What are you doing?" she says stepping closer to me as I unclip my bra, letting it fall to the ground

"I'm not ready for sex yet Alex. But I want to be close to you" I almost whisper, as I watch her eyes roam my body before she removes her own shirt and bra.

Before long, we are snuggled under the covers, having brushed our teeth. Her body is warm and smooth, and I'm laying half on top of her, one leg entwined with hers, my arm across her stomach and my head on her shoulder as she holds me close to her.

"Look after me Al" I say quietly, and a little tearfully

"Always, baby" she replies, planting a kiss on my head causing me to sigh contentedly.

"This feels nice" I say with a smile

"It does" she agrees, kissing my head again "Now, sleep"

I close my eyes and allow my thoughts to send me into a relaxed slumber.

**Review please my lovelies. **


	11. Chapter 11

**A.N: A shorter chapter, a little humour and sort of a filler. I'm not feeling too good today, but wanted to get a chapter up so here we go.**

Chapter 11:

I'm faintly aware of Alex moving around the room, as I stir from my slumber. I open my eyes slowly and can see her pacing the room, mumbling under her breath. She's fully dressed, but I'm not sure of the time.

"Al" I say slightly hoarsely with sleep

She stops abruptly, and turns to look at me "Hey"

I push myself up on the bed, and look at her, she doesn't look like anything's physically wrong but she certainly had something on her mind

"What's up?" I ask

"Nothing" she says, and then smiles at me. I don't believe her for a second, because that smile was obviously forced for emphasis.

"Liar" I say "Talk to me"

"It's nothing really, I was just thinking" she says sighing and sitting on the end of the bed "Can you cover yourself up?"

I raise my eyebrows, and look down at my naked chest and then back at her "Al?"

"Please" she almost begs, her eyes looking away from me. I comply, still slightly confused but all the same, I wrap the duvet around myself

"Better?"

She looks at me, blushes and then smiles "Yeah". Its then it begins to click, or at least I have a feeling on what was bothering her

"Al, were you thinking about me?" I say and then chuckle "I meant…"

She cuts in, moving up the bed, so she's sitting beside me, albeit a little awkwardly "You were making me a little flustered, I had to take a cold shower"

I laugh "Maybe we shouldn't fight it"

She looks at me with wide eyes "What do you mean, Case?"

"Olivia said if we both want one another in that way, we shouldn't try and stop it" I explain as I lean towards her, my lips brush hers gently and she sighs but pulls away

"You wanted to take things slow"

I give her a small smile "I did, but I want you, all of you"

"You weren't ready last night Case, don't try and please me if you're not 100 percent sure" she says, taking my hand in hers "Shall we go to the gym?"

I give her a small smile "Yeah, why not". I understand why she shot me down, but I know she wants this. I've told her things but I can see that she's struggling to keep her control, and I want her to lose it with me.

"Go and shower beautiful. I'll make breakfast. There's a pair of leggings and a t-shirt hanging up ready. I washed your underwear" she says quietly, blushing at the last piece of information before kissing my forehead and removing herself from the bed, sauntering out of the bedroom.

I take my naked self into the bathroom and proceed to shower. I wouldn't have thought a few weeks ago when I got the call from Liz that I'd be in Alex's apartment taking a shower, while she cooked breakfast.

After I showered, and dressed, tying my wet hair into a ponytail (something I only ever did at weekends when I knew I wouldn't be working in the office) I entered the kitchen, the smell of coffee strong and welcoming.

"Olivia just called" Alex told me, her back facing me as she buttered some toast "Wanted to know how you were. I told her you'd give her a call a little later"

"Okay" I murmur, wrapping my arms around her waist, resting my head on her shoulder.

Alex turns around and plants a quick kiss on my nose, before taking my hands from around her "Breakfast" she orders

I sigh and sit at the kitchen table, taking a bite of the lightly buttered toast. I eat slowly, while Alex eats on the move, packing two bags with essentials for the gym. I haven't really done much in the way of exercise over the last few years, but because I've been so sporadic with my eating pattern, I haven't really gained much weight. Though I know, I'm not particularly fit.

I finish eating and it's not until I glance at the clock that I realise it's only just turned 8.30am "Alex, it's still early"

She chuckles "The gym is better at this time. You work harder when you're motivated by others"

I groan "I'm not that fit, nothing too strenuous please"

"If you're good and stop complaining, you might get a message later" she says with a wink, grabbing the bags. I stare after her as she walks out of the kitchen, and it takes a few minutes for my brain to catch up with me

"I'm coming!" I call, hurrying after her. She's laughing as she leans against the door, and grabs my hand

"Let's go sweat it"

I laugh; Alex is so playful and so cute that it melts my heart. It's a change from the hard, cold prosecutor that most people know and I find it amazing that I get to see this side of her.

* * *

"I'm going to take a break, Al" I say breathlessly. We have been on the treadmill for nearly an hour and I am totally shattered. She's still going, the sweat dripping off her in beads but she's still trudging along, a smile on her face and not looking worn out at all.

"Okay babe" she replies, with a chuckle and my heart beats louder, a combination of exercise and arousal as she looks totally hot. The sweat on her body is making me almost gape at her, salivating with wide eyes.

I grab a towel, wiping my own sweat beads from my face as I take a seat on the bench. This view does nothing to calm my arousal, her backside literally right in front of me, wobbling as she sweats away on the treadmill. She'd notched the speed up in competition a short while ago.

I barely notice her stopping and coming over to me, my mind elsewhere until I feel lips on mine, bringing me out of my gawping daze. I kiss back once I accustom myself to what's happening, pulling onto my lap. "You look hot and bothered" she whispers huskily

"I'm hot because I've just worked my butt off trying to keep up with you, and I'm flustered because, god you're sexy" I breathe out and she giggles

"You're pretty sexy yourself Novak" she continues in her deep, arousal filled voice "Fancy joining me in the hot tub?"

I gulp and nod, pushing her away from me gently before grabbing her hand and pulling her towards the hot tub room, well I thought I knew where I was going "It's this way" she laughs, as I tug her in the opposite direction

"That's good to know"

She giggles playfully, and I join in, my arousal building with anticipation.

When we reach our destination, we are both relieved that there is a room free. Stepping inside, I waste no time in shedding my clothes that are sticky with sweat. My underwear is laced with my arousal, and I hold in a moan as Alex begins to undress beside me.

"Beautiful" she whispers, pulling my flush against her, kissing my neck, I let out the moan that I had held previously, as she pushes me backwards towards the tub.

As we sit in the water, our hands entwined, and our bodies close together, her hands roam my stomach, my back, my hips and mine trace fine lines along her skin.

Our lips meet in a frenzied kiss; I hear my heart beating, out of my chest. The force of my arousal causes me to let out a guttural moan against Alex's lips as she slips her tongue between mine.

"Alex" I pull away "I need you"

"Not here baby" she smiles, pulling away from me, and exited the tub, giving me a perfect view of her sex.

I follow her out of the tub, and we dry ourselves in record time, throwing on our clothes, and shoving our underwear into one of the gym bags.

As we leave the gym, Alex's cell rings and she answers it "Cabot. Oh, hi Olivia" I groan and Alex stifles a chuckle as she listens to Olivia.

"Okay, I'll be there in 20" she sighs as she hangs up and turns to me "I guess it'll have to wait"

I murmur my disapproval as we climb into her car and head for the one-six.

* * *

As we enter the lift, I blurt out to Alex "We're not wearing any underwear!"

She laughs "I forgot about that. No one will notice"

I shake my head, hoping she's right. That would be embarrassing.

"Oh look, it's Cabot" Detective Amaro says

"And Novak" Fin adds, his brows furrowed in confusion "I'm sure Liv only called Cabot"

I blush, and then realise I'm holding Alex's hand. I abruptly drop it and Amanda smiles at me. She saw, I know she did. Shit!

"Hey" Olivia exclaims from behind us and both me and Alex turn around and follow her out of sight of the others

"What you got?" Alex asks Olivia getting straight to the point

"He confessed, I just wanted to give you the files" she says and I groan

"You called us down here, for that? Couldn't it have waited until Monday?"

Olivia laughs "Sorry, did I disturb something?"

I blush and shake my head "No, nothing. Is that all?"

Alex laughs "Chill Case"

Olivia looks at us "You were about to, oh my god. I'm sorry"

Alex laughs again "You have impeccable timing Benson"

Olivia hugs Alex, and then me "Go" she says, pushing us in the direction of the lift.

**Sorry again that it's a little short. When I feel better, I'll update. Warning: Next chapter contains an explicit scene. **


	12. Chapter 12

**A.N: I wasn't planning on updating this today, but Tripperz seemed a little impatient for the good stuff, and I had a long sleep, which made me feel much better. So, here you go. Enjoy**

**Rossellini: Oh my gosh, Thank you! Your review made me smile. I am glad you are enjoying this, and that you like how I write Casey and Alex. Thank you for your kind words. I love you too :) **

**(I had so much fun writing this chapter, I love Diane Neal and Stephanie March, so this was treat for me too. I miss seeing Stephanie on TV, and am really enjoying Diane as Agent Abigail Borin in NCIS, but she needs to be added as a main character)**

**Anyway, enough of my rambling...here you go!**

Chapter 12:

The drive back to Alex's was ridiculously slow. It seemed as if the world had a grudge on me. Alex had hold of my hand, and every now and then gave it a reassuring squeeze. I was nervous, yet excited, my stomach was in knots, my body was tingly and I was sweating.

As we pulled up and Alex parked, my breathing began to get more sporadic. I managed to control it until we reached elevator and then I gave in to my bodies urges, backing her against the wall

"Jesus Casey" she exclaimed before my lips met hers in a hungry kiss. My body was responding in ways it had never done before and I was unable to have any coherent thoughts as her hands tangled in my hair with her response.

"I need you" I gasped out as the doors opened; we stumbled out, still holding onto one another as we approached Alex's apartment. She let us in and I went to push her against the door but she held back

"Slow down" she said quietly "We've got plenty of time. I want to remember this moment, don't rush it"

I nodded, and gulped, trying to control myself. She led me towards the couch and pulled me down onto her lap. She gently kissed my lips, rubbing her hands up and down my arms. My hands instinctively cupped her breasts through the fabric, and she tilted her hand back with a slow moan. I kissed her chin, and then placed kisses along her neck, before sucking on her pulse point, no doubt leaving a mark.

"Case" she whispered tugging at my t-shirt. I lifted my arms up and she proceeded to remove my top, as I did the same. My hands returned to her breasts, kneading them together, and pinching her nipples gently.

"You feel so soft" I whispered out my thoughts in her ear, as her hands slipped under the fabric of the leggings I was wearing, cupping my butt cheeks in her hands, squeezing slightly, pulling me closer to her. I began to thrust into her, my lips kissing the skin around her right nipple, she let out another slow moan.

"Casey"

"Does that feel good?" I asked tentatively. It had been a while since I'd made love to a woman, and I wanted to make sure I pleased her best I could.

"Yes" she breathed out, as I sucked on her nipple, before letting it go and catching it between my teeth, flicking my tongue over the bud. I repeated my action on the left as her hands continued to pull me against her as I rocked my hips. The contact with my clit was driving me crazy, and I moaned into her breasts. She lifted me up, as she stood, and I wrapped my legs around her waist.

She carried me towards the bedroom, planting kisses on my collarbone, her hands still beneath my leggings.

She lay me down gently onto the bed, removing her hands, and tugging at my leggings, as she pulled them down and over my hips, she blew a breath on my sex, causing me to buck my hips. I felt so good and we hadn't even got that far.

Agonisingly slowly, Alex began placing kisses on my stomach, her fingers rubbing my nipples between them. I moaned and murmured "Mmm, Alex. That feels so good" She looked up at me, before lifting herself up to kiss my lips. I pulled her flush against me, as she slipped her leg between my legs. As her thigh made contact with my wet centre, I gasped and began to thrust upwards, for more contact

She moaned in response as my thigh made contact with her centre, and then pulled back "I need more" she said panting as she removed her leggings. I noticed she had a small tattoo on her lower abdomen, by her hipbone, it looked like a peace sign, and it made me smile. I could see her centre glistening with her arousal as she returned to the same position. Her lips found mine, as we rocked against each other.

Moans of pleasure escaped both of our lips while they were still connected. I could feel myself building as Alex pulled back, slipping a long finger into my folds. I gasped, and moaned loudly as she began to thrust in and out slowly "Oh god"

I felt another finger enter me and her thrusts began to speed up as I buried my face into her neck, biting the skin there as she rubbed my clit with her thumb. "Sweet Jesus" I murmured "That feels so good, don't stop"

"I'm not planning to" Alex whispered, curling her fingers and she rocked against my thigh.

"I'm so close" I panted, my legs beginning to shake as I neared orgasm

"Let go. Come for me baby" Alex whispered

"Ohhhhhh, Fuck, Yes. Alex!" I cried as I flew over the edge, my whole body trembling.

Alex slowly removed her fingers, looking up at me as she sucked my juices from them, before she shimmied herself downwards. I bucked my hips as she took my sensitive nub in her mouth, flicking and sucking. She hummed against me, as I began to tremble again. I felt the second orgasm ripping through my stomach as I arched my back "Alex" I cried out again "Fuck"

Alex looked up at me as she ran her tongue along my folds "You taste so good" she whispered with a smile. She crawled up my body as I sat up and her lips met mine. I could taste myself on her tongue and lips. I couldn't believe she'd made me cum twice, which was a rarity that I hadn't experienced in a long time.

"Wow" I breathed out as she pulled back for air.

I pushed her down onto the bed, so her head was on the pillow, as I planted tiny kisses along her collarbone, across the flesh on her breasts. I avoided her nipples, and continued to kiss down her stomach and over her hip bones, and paid attention to the tattoo there. She trembled and moaned when my lips connected with her clit. I kissed it a couple of times, before returning to her stomach. She let out a moan "Stop teasing me Case"

I grinned at her as I flicked my tongue across her hardened nipple, causing her to arch her back. She was responding to even the slightest touch and it made me more confident. I liked knowing I was pleasing her, even if a little teasingly.

"You're so beautiful" I whispered into her ear, before connecting my lips to hers

"Thanks" she whispered "But if you tease me anymore, I'm gonna scream"

I giggled into neck, kissing my way down her body. As I reached her sex, I slid two fingers inside, thrusting gently "That better?" I asked before flicking my tongue against her clit.

"Fuck yes" she moaned, lifting her hips closer to my mouth

I thrust my fingers into her harder, and sped up the speed as I sucked hard against the bundle of nerves. I could feel her shaking beneath me as I thrust my fingers faster and faster, curling them every now and then. "I'm gonna come, Case" she gasped "Oh my god, right there. That's it…fuck me"

I grinned against her, and her hips bucked wildly. I removed my fingers and her juices squirted onto my chin, I licked the length of her, and continued to suck her clit, humming against her as she came again, her juices soaking the sheets "Fuck" she gasped

"Wow" I breathed, looking up at her. Her eyes were screwed shut, her hands gripping the covers as she began to tremble slightly every time I made contact with her clit.

"My good god Casey, I've never done that before" she gave a small laugh

I grinned at her, feeling slightly smug as I crawled up her, and kissed her lips "That was hot"

She chuckled "I think you killed me"

I straddled her, my own arousal reaching a new high, just at the sight of her as I rubbed myself along her stomach. In a few minutes, I was tilting my head back and letting out a silent scream as I came again.

"You are amazing" I whispered into her ear

"That was worth the wait" she replied, her lips connecting with mine. I was in a totally different world, my body was still reacting to every touch and I could feel her trembling beneath me

"It was" I agree "Want to go again?"

We made love twice more times, and it was just as amazing as the first. I had never had such an intense orgasm as she gave me. After we had worn ourselves out, we snuggled against each other and drifted into a light sleep.

* * *

"Casey, sweetheart, wake up" I heard faintly, and smiled as I recognised it as Alex's voice. The memories of our activities came back as I opened my eyes to see her smiling face "Hey beautiful"

"Hi" I whispered

"What you so happy about?" she asked

"You" I replied

"I'm here baby. I made lunch" she told me, as she kissed my forehead. I noticed she was wearing a cute blue tank and cotton shorts, she looked cute.

"What you make?"

"Just pasta" she informed me.

I inhaled the aroma of the food, as it drifted into the bedroom "It smells delicious"

"Get that sexy butt out of bed then" she said, playfully giving it a tap

I giggled and sat myself up, as she did the same. She pulled me from the bed and I remembered I was naked "Can I get some clothes on first?"

"You don't need any" she whispered

I laughed "If Olivia needs a warrant Alex; she won't want to see me in my birthday suit"

"Munch would though" she laughed and I blushed and groaned

"Alex, don't be so crude" I choked out "Can I have some clothes?"

She let go of my hand and opened her wardrobe. She pulled out a green tank and black shorts and handed them to me "Here"

"Thanks" I said with a smile taking them from her a she opened a drawer and pulled out a pair of panties and tossed them at me

"I'll plate up lunch"

I murmured my thanks as she exited the bedroom. I really needed to think about bringing some of own clothes over if I was going to stay here more often. I decided to approach the subject later. I was unsure if it was too soon, and whether I should assume she actually wanted to take that step.

"It looks so tasty" I said licking my lips as my eyes fell on the spaghetti pasta dished up on a plate. It was in a white sauce that smelt slightly cheesy. "Is that cheese sauce?"

"Uh huh" she answered with a nod, a mouthful already making its way into her mouth

I sat down and picked up the fork, twirling the spaghetti around the fork, before popping it into my mouth. It really did taste so good.

We ate in silence, every now and again catching each other's gaze and smiling. I felt like a giddy schoolgirl that was eating lunch with her crush. I blushed when I dropped a spaghetti piece between my breasts and Alex laughed, before offering to lick it.

"If you do, we won't finish eating" I said shaking my head. She was just as giggly as I was which I guessed was a good sign.

After we had eaten, we snuggled together on the couch. Alex has put on some soft music, and I'm feeling rather contact like this. Her arms are around me, pulling me close to her as I sit between her legs. Her chin is resting on my shoulder and her breath tickling my ear

"Alex" I say tentatively, thinking about how I'm going to ask "I was thinking…I…um"

"What is it babe?" she asks, and I shuffle myself around a little so I can look at her

"Is it too soon to leave some clothes here?" I mumble

She looks at me questionably, as if trying to work out what I said "You want to have your own space here?"

I nod, and blush "Is it too soon?"

"No, not at all Casey, I was thinking about it earlier as well.

"You were?" I ask

"Yes. You can't wear my stuff all the time" she says with a smile

"I don't want to rush things. I was just…I'll still spend some nights at mine"

"You can stay here as much as you want to Case. I love you"

My eyes go wide. Did she just say? Oh my god, she did. I can't believe it; I wasn't expecting declarations of love so soon. But then, I love her, I do. I know I do.

"I love you too" I answer, my eyes welling with tears as my words come out in a choked whisper.

She leans into me, kissing my lips gently "You're amazing"

**Aww, wasn't that sweet? **

**Review please. **


	13. Chapter 13

**A.N: Glad you liked the last chapter, thanks for the reviews. Here is the next one, enjoy. **

Chapter 13:

Sunday had been a relatively relaxing day. Olivia called round wanting to know all the details of our bedroom activities, much to my annoyance, but I was relieved when Alex didn't give in to her taunting. Not that I expected she would, to be honest. I was still on a high from the previous day, and our declarations of love continued throughout Sunday. I went home Sunday evening, just needing to be by myself to prepare for court the next day.

I was nervous about sitting first chair, but Alex was by my side and she had already done the hardest part, questioning the suspect and the victim, but still I was nervous about the closing statement.

So here I was, standing in front of the jury, about to plead the case. My hands were shaking, my body sweating, but to the outside eye, I was calm and collected.

"The defence is going to try and cast the defendant in a promising light; he's going to tell you that the evidence is circumstantial, that it's a coincidence that he just happened to be in the area at exactly the time Miss Alderson said she was raped. But you've seen the evidence, you've heard Miss Alderson give her account, you've seen her break down on the witness stand, you've heard the defendant repeat over and over that he didn't rape anybody. But remember, his semen was found inside the victim, his DNA was found on her thighs, she was bruised, bloodied and terrified. You must not listen to the defence tell you that it was rough sex, because it wasn't. Harvey Jordan raped Miss Alderson. You must find him guilty"

As I sat back down, I let out a shaky breath. Alex gripped my knee and gave it a squeeze; I managed a small smile, my heart beating out of chest.

I don't recall much of the defence's argument, and now, I'm standing outside the courthouse, leaning against the wall. I needed air after that.

"Hey" I heard and looked up to see Alex approaching me, she hugged me "You were brilliant"

"Hardly Alex, I was a complete mess in there" I sighed running my hands through my hair

"Hey, look at me Casey. You did a fantastic job, yes, you were nervous but you got through it" she said, looking straight at me. I could tell she really believed what she was saying, and she was right. I did get through it.

"Yeah" I replied with a smile "I did"

She hugged me again, planting a kiss on my cheek. It was the first public display of our relationship, and while we were not flaunting, I wondered who had just seen that act. "Alex" I warned

"What?" she said pulling back with a smile

"Anyone could be watching" I whispered, my eyes darting around the courtyard

"Your point? Casey, I love you and I want people to know that. I want them to see that you are mine" she said, and I smiled at her words. I'm hers.

"I know" I answered "I just think we should tell Liz before we make it public knowledge"

Alex grinned at me, and squeezed my hand as Olivia came over "Jury's back?"

"Already?" I asked, raising my brows

"Come on, let's go get justice" Alex said, turning and sauntering across the stone pavement, her heels clicking as she did so

"You okay?" Olivia asked me and I nodded, giving her a small smile

"Yeah, just a bit unsure of myself" I answered

"Don't be Casey. You did amazingly, you are a great prosecutor and SVU is lucky to have you and Alex as its ADA's. Come on, they'll be waiting for you"

I followed her back inside; Alex was waiting by the courtroom doors. She gave me a smile "Ready?"

I nodded and we entered the courtroom.

As I sat in the chair and the jury filed in, Alex had hold of my hand under the table. Luckily, only Olivia was sitting behind us so no one could see. I was so nervous, and I was shaking slightly. Alex squeezed my hand "Relax" she whispered

"Have the jury reached a verdict?" the judge asked

"We have, your honour" The foreman answered, standing with the sheet of paper in his hand

"On the sole count of rape in the second degree, how does the jury find?"

"We find the defendant guilty"

I breathed a huge sigh of relief and Alex squeezed my hand again, I turned and Olivia smiled at me. I felt as if a huge weight had been lifted from my shoulders. Yet, part of me still found it hard to commend myself. I had only delivered the closing argument. Alex had done most of the work; this was her case, her verdict.

"Well done" I said to her with a smile as we stood up, collecting the papers on the desk

"And you" she replied, as if commanding me to accept her congratulations

I just shrugged my shoulders as Olivia approached "Well done ladies"

"Thanks" I mumbled, letting go of Alex's hand. I was still nervous about showing affection in public. We needed to speak to Liz before I could let her do that.

"Alex, we need to see Liz" I said when we reached the office after saying goodbye to Olivia.

"You sure?" she asked me, stopping and turning me towards her

I nodded and gave her a smile "I don't want to hide either Al" I said quietly "I love you too much"

"Too much" she said with a smile "Is that possible?"

I chuckled "Not at all. I just mean I love you more than anything, Alex, and I don't want to hide it from anyone"

"You're sweet Case" she said planting a kiss on my nose and we entered the empty elevator.

My lips met hers as she pushed me back against the elevator. The doors opened unexpectedly and we jumped apart, laughing when there was no one on the other side.

Just as the doors began to close, Liz appeared "Ladies" she said with a smile

I blushed and looked at Alex "Uh, Liz" she said hoarsely, which caused me to stifle laughter

"Yes Alexandra?"

"Casey and I was just coming to see you" she stumbled out

"I'm here now, so…" Liz started

I shook my head "Alex, not here" I whispered, and Liz raised her brows at us both

"Maybe we'd be better in your office" Alex said as the elevator stopped and the doors opened

We followed Liz down the hall, I was nervous, and I could tell Alex was a little as well. I really wanted to hold onto her for support, but it'd have to wait until we disclosed fully.

Liz shut the door behind us as we entered the office and sat down behind her desk. "Sit" she told us

My heart was beating so fast, and I thought I was going to faint with the pressure. "Casey and I are dating" Alex got straight to the point before we'd sat down, and as I looked at Liz, my legs almost gave way.

Alex grabbed me around the waist, holding me close to her "Breathe" she said quietly and I complied, taking a few deep breaths

"Well, it's a slight shock I suppose" Liz began "But I can't stop it, and you work together well. Is it going to affect your work?"

I shook my head, finally able to think and speak "No, it won't"

"If anything, it'll make us work better. I was hoping Casey could move into my office" Alex said, and I raised my brows. We hadn't discussed this.

"I can't see why not" Liz said and then shook her head "I'm still getting my head around this"

"I promise you, we'll remain professional" I told her and Alex squeezed my hand.

"I know you will. Remember though Casey, You are still on supervision" she said and I sighed, thanks for reminding me Liz "Thank you for disclosing to me, ladies. I hope things work out for you"

"Thanks" Alex answered

As we left the office, Alex took my hand in hers, and swung our arms as we walked down the hall to our offices.

"You okay?" she asked me quietly when we reached her office

I nodded and managed to breathe out "I'm alright"

"Hey, relax. We've done the hard part. Liz knows now" she said wrapping her arms around me, pulling me into her office "Welcome to your new office"

I laughed "You never told me you were planning that"

"I didn't know until I said it, but it makes sense. This way, we can work together properly, and help each other out. It doesn't make sense having separate offices"

"You're still my supervisor" I said, voicing one of the thoughts that had gone through my head when Liz reminded me

"Yes, but Casey, don't worry yourself over that. I'm going to be honest with Liz, and trust me, you're doing fine. You did great today"

"I know" I said with a sigh as Alex pulled me over to the couch

"Do you? You still seem so tense, Case" she said as I lay my head on her lap. Her hands began to play with my hair, as she ran her fingers through it, comfortingly

"I'm just trying to work a few things out still Al" I explained quietly

"Such as what, babe?" she asked, stilling her fingers, and lifting me up, so that she was able to look at me properly

"How I'm going to manage a case as first chair"

"You did it today, Casey, you did fine" she told me and I shook my head

"I delivered the closing statement Alex, it's not exactly cross examination" I said with a sigh

"Okay, maybe not. But you were confident, and you spoke directly and with conviction. Listen, you're going to do absolutely fine"

"I was shaking like a leaf" I said quietly

"And yet, you still did a great job. You did, really"

"I know, I know. I do, I'm just trying to get back to my best" I ran my fingers through my hair

"And you will" she said kissing my lips gently.

* * *

I entered the bar, holding Alex's hand. We were hoping that a small public display of affection would tell the guys without actually having to announce it.

"Good job councillors" Munch exclaimed as we neared the table. Alex gave my hand a squeeze, before answering

"Thanks. You should have seen this one deliver the closing statement" She pulled me towards her, kissing my lips gently with a smile.

I blushed as we parted and saw Olivia and Amanda smiling widely, Nick was trying to divert his attention elsewhere, Cragen and Fin were sitting open mouthed and Munch was mumbling to himself, no doubt conjuring up another conspiracy theory.

I smiled back at them as I sat down next to Alex, who pulled me close to her, her arms around me. She was smiling widely, and looked so happy and proud of me, that I thought I was going to cry.

There was an awkward silence, until Olivia asked "Shall I order drinks?"

There was a chorus of yeses, and orders were given to a slightly flustered Olivia. "Can I have a hand?"

I pulled away from Alex "I'll help" I said, eager to get some space for a minute.

As I followed Olivia to the bar, I heard Amanda ask Alex to spill and I groaned, nervously

"You okay Casey?" Olivia asked, placing a hand on my shoulder, I smiled at her and nodded

"Yeah"

"Good. Hey, listen. I was wondering if you fancied coming into town with me next weekend. I think we should spend some time together, it's been a while since we've had a girly day out"

I gave her a small smile "What about Alex?"

"We can do something with her another time. Look, I know you and her are together, but you can spend some time with your friends" she said, I could tell she was a little peeved but I didn't get why

"What's wrong Liv, you sound bitter"

"I'm not. I just missed you Casey, I want to get to know you again" she said with a sigh

"Sorry" I mumbled "I guess going away like that was not my smartest move"

"Maybe not, but you're home, where you belong. It's time to stop moping, and start living" she said as the drinks were placed on two trays

I felt bad that I'd thought of Alex first, I have friends too. I need to remember that. I love Alex, but Olivia and I were good friends before my censure, why am I still pushing her away?

After having one drink, I said I was heading home. "I'll give you a lift Case" Alex offered but I shook my head

"You stay, I'm tired. I'll see you tomorrow"

"You sure?" she asked and I nodded, kissing her on the cheek briefly before shuffling out

"See you guys soon" I said with a smile, as I waved them a goodbye, before heading outside to catch a cab.

I needed some space, and time to myself. I was going to need to find myself and soon, before I pushed everyone away. My cell vibrated and as I took it out my pocket, I noticed it was a text from Alex, I smiled as I read 'I love you baby. Al x'

I turned to see her blow me a kiss and I said out loud "I love you too" hoping she could read my lips.

**Next Chapter up later. Having cuddles with my 2 week old nephew.**


	14. Chapter 14

**A.N: It made me smile to read your comments, as you had the same thoughts as I did. I don't always plan ahead when I write, it just comes to me and I had already thought while writing the last chapter that things were moving fast and would it be beneficial for Casey to share an office with Alex, which you're right it wouldn't. I had already planned on the events in this chapter happening, so you're comments were much appreciated**

Chapter 14:

We've been dating less than a week. I feel like we're moving too fast. I've tried to push it to the back of my mind, but now I'm lying here in my own bed, in my own apartment, I've had time to think. But how do I tell Alex? How do I tell her I think we're moving too fast? I wanted to move some of my clothes into her place, but it was mainly a practical reason.

I wanted to make love to her, as much as she did. That's not a problem. Nor is the fact that she told me she loved me, I love her too, and I'll tell her that as much as possible.

But when she mentioned sharing an office at work, without talking to me first, I was thrown completely. But I don't know how I'm going to cope being with her constantly. Olivia already told me that I didn't have to spend every waking minute with her. She's right. I need my own space.

But seriously, though, how am I going to tell Alex I want to keep my own office? How am I going to tell her that I want space? I'm not saying we should break up or anything. I just…

This is so hard. I love her more than I can express but maybe, we need to have some time away from one another.

Getting up, I sigh, I'm tired due to the lack of sleep I got with my thoughts. I've got to head into work, and I need to talk to Liz, before Alex gets in. There's no time to shower, I can do that later, a quick wash will suffice.

After I'm relatively clean, I throw on a shirt and pants and head out to get a taxi.

As I'm approaching the office I get a text, it's Alex 'I'm outside, are you okay? Xx', I sigh and run my hands through my hair 'Yeah, I had stuff to do. I'll see you later" I reply as the taxi stops.

I pay the fare and head inside, straight for Liz's office

"Come in" she calls as I knock and I take a deep breath "Hi Casey, what brings you here?"

I run my hands through my hair as I hand her an envelope "This is my formal resignation" I tell her

She looks up at me wide eyed "Casey? What is this? Did something happen with you and Alex, I thought you could both be professional?"

I sigh "No, we're fine. I just don't think I'm ready. I know I'm not. I came back too quickly, and to be honest Liz, I don't know if I'll ever be ready. I need to figure a few things out and I can't do that here. I want this effective immediately"

"You're not heading back to New Orleans?" she asks and I shake my head

"No, I'll still be in the city, I meant here, as in here" I emphasise my point by pointing to the ground

"I'll be honest Casey, I think you're making a mistake and I have half a mind to tell you I'm not accepting this, but if this is what you want, and think you need then I won't stop you. How does Alex feel about this?"

"I haven't told her" I say with a sigh

"Why? Actually, it's not my place to question your relationship. I'm sad to see you go"

"It's the best thing" I say, trying to convince myself, no this is the best thing. I have to do this.

I thank Liz for everything, before heading to the elevator. Alex will be arriving soon; I need to get away before she arrives.

As I make my way down the steps, I notice her car turning into the car park, and hail a cab. I can't talk to her just yet.

I'm almost home when I get a text 'Casey, call me. I just heard Liz telling someone you'd resigned'

I sigh and stuff my cell back into my pocket. Paying the fare, I head inside and up to my apartment.

* * *

My cell rings constantly, Alex, and then Olivia. I can't answer them yet. I need to have a shower. I need to relax. And I need to eat.

Just as I'm about to enter the shower, I hear a knocking on the door "Casey!" I hear Olivia's voice, and hold my breath, "Casey, it's me. Let me in, please"

I shake my head, trying to drown out her pleas but it's no use "I'm on my own, I just want to talk to you"

I sigh, grabbing a robe and wrapping it around myself. As I let her in, I breathe a sigh of relief that Alex isn't with her. I don't know if I can face her

"Hi Olivia"

"Casey, you resigned, why?" she said as she entered and I ran my hands through my hair

"I need to find something else. It's not my calling anymore, Olivia. I messed up, and I can't go back to that anymore. I just need something else, that's all"

"You're a brilliant prosecutor Casey. You did so well yesterday, you can get back to your best" she tries but I sigh, shaking my head willing the tears not to fall.

"It's not just that Olivia" I sigh, the first tear trickling out "Alex and I are moving too fast, and I don't think it's going to help if we are together all the time. She asked Liz if I could share her office. I need space"

"Why didn't you tell Alex this?" she asks

"I couldn't Liv. I couldn't tell her that I loved her but just thought we needed space. I'm not breaking up with her; I just need my own time. But seriously, I don't think prosecuting is for me anymore. I'm too nervous, too skittish"

"You could have told Alex you were resigning. She thinks it's something she did, and quite frankly Casey, I think you're being selfish"

I break down then, my whole body trembling with emotion at her words. Am I really being selfish, don't I need to think about myself right now? Yes, I should have told Alex but I was scared. Olivia tries to comfort me "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said that"

"No, you shouldn't" I say, pulling away from her "Go, please. I'll call Alex in a bit"

She sighs before leaving as I sink into the couch. I pick up my cell with a sigh. I need to talk to Alex.

"Casey?! Thank goodness, I was so worried" she rushes out and I sigh

"Alex, please" I say "I need to breathe"

"What does that mean? Casey, are you okay?" she says and I hear the panic in her voice

"I'm fine. Just, give me some time, some space" I say quietly

"You're breaking up with me, why?" she says and I can hear her begin to cry

"No, no, no. I'm not breaking up with you Al. Listen, come over tonight and we'll talk"

"I'm coming over now" she says and I hear her moving about

"No, Al. Please, work. I'll talk to you later. I need some space"

"Okay" she says reluctantly "I love you"

"I love you too Alex. That's not going to change. This isn't about you, and yes, maybe Olivia's right, maybe I am selfish but I need to sort out something's and I need to do that by myself"

"You're not selfish Casey, just lost" she whispers

"Maybe" I sigh "Come over later"

"I will, I will" she replies as I hang up. I sigh, and head back to the bathroom for my shower. Why do I not feel any better?

I made some toast after my shower, and then fell asleep on the couch. I open my eyes to a faint knocking, and sigh, getting up quickly. I glance at the clock, its 6pm. I slept for over 6 hours, I must have been shattered.

"Al" I say with a smile, before yawning "Come in"

"Hey" she replies "Did I wake you?"

"Yeah, but don't worry" I tell her "Would you like a coffee?"

She nods and follows me into the kitchen "Casey, are you okay?"

"I'm fine Alex. We'll talk in a minute, okay. Trust me, I'm okay" I say with a smile as she leans against the counter.

I make the drinks and sit myself on the couch beside her. She takes the coffee, and then smiles as she blows it, and I smile, knowing she's remembering the tongue burning incident. "Talk to me"

I put the coffee on the table and run my hand through my hair "I know I should have told you, but I swear, I'd only made the decision earlier this morning. It took a lot of thinking, but I realised that dating a co-worker meant spending time with you constantly, and I love you, I do, really, but I need space. We've only been dating for less than a week"

"You wanted to take it slow. I pressured you" she says

"No, no, no Alex, please don't think that. Everything that happened, I wanted to happen. I want to be with you, and in order for that, we need to separate work from home"

"I understand that" she said, and I pulled her towards me, planting a kiss on her forehead. It felt nice to hold her in the same way as she held me.

"Al. I changed so much when I was away, and it's just made me realise now, that it's pointless trying to be who I was before. I need to be myself as I am now. I'm too stressed with work, too worried about messing up and it's not good for me. I need you, and I need to relax. I have experience in retail work now; I can get a job in a shop or something"

"If you think that's what you need, I'm not going to stand in your way Casey. But you need to talk to me, please, don't shut me out because you're scared. I love you, and nothing will change that either"

I leant forward and placed a kiss on her lips. "Thank you"

"I just want you to be happy Case" she whispered.

We lay snuggled into each other for a short while before she moved from me "I'm going to head off. I'll call you tomorrow"

I placed a kiss on her cheek "Sleep tight"

"You too beautiful" she whispered, kissing me deeply on the lips

I sighed as she left and snuggled into the couch where she had been sitting. The smell of her perfume comforting me in her absence.

**Would love your reviews on this chapter my lovelies x**


	15. Chapter 15

**A.N: So, I didn't know if I'd get this up today or not, because of the site issues. (I'm not sure if it was my internet, but I couldn't view any new chapters or anything), anyway, I'm glad I got a free minute to log in and post though.**

**Hope you enjoy. **

**Thanks for the reviews again, lovely people. **

Chapter 15:

I didn't see Alex again till Friday. I had spoken to her on the phone but every time she had suggested coming over or meeting for drinks, I had declined. It's not that I didn't want to see her; I just felt that I wouldn't be any fun in my current state of mind.

I wasn't depressed, although I know Alex thought I was, and to the outside eye, yes I probably looked it too, sitting here at 6pm with my third glass of wine after downing the remaining Vodka. I hadn't been crying, I hadn't even shed a tear, I was numb and tired. Not depressed.

I know I shouldn't drink, but just like New Orleans, I felt alone, except this time I wasn't, not really. I could call Alex, Olivia, or even Abbie and I know they'd be here, but it wouldn't help. Nothing would help. I was trying to find myself but I was still lost, even after all the decision making, after the changes.

I sighed as my cell rang "Hello?" I slurred, answering without checking the caller id

"Casey?" I heard Olivia's voice

"Olivia" I answered, surprised at my ability to form words as the tears fell. Why now? Why did my barrier have to break now?

"Casey, are you okay? Actually don't answer that, I know you're not. Are you at home?" she asks but I barely register only managing a murmur in response. "I'm coming over"

I don't know how long it took Olivia to get her, but I let her in, and she wrapped her arms around me and led me back to the couch.

I was beginning to sober a little, and this was enough to calm my tears as I wiped them away "I'm fine" I say pulling away, wishing it was Alex holding me like this.

I stand up and head across the room "Thanks for coming Olivia. I'm okay now" I say, leaning against the window to steady myself

"Stop lying to me Casey, you're terrible at it" she says with a chuckle before turning serious "How much have you had?"

I glance at the empty vodka bottle and the wine glass and hold up 3 fingers "and the rest of the vodka"

"Case" Olivia says softly, only Alex has ever called me that and I sigh, my tears coming as I think of her

"Alex" I say, causing her to furrow her brows

"No Casey, its Olivia" She replies and I laugh, I know its Olivia. I was just thinking about Alex.

"I know" I sigh "Alex calls me Case"

It clicks; I see it in her eyes "Sorry. I'm just worried about you, hang on, I'll be back" I'm amazed at how quick I've sobered up as she heads into my kitchen and returns a moment later with some water "Drink"

I comply, sipping it slowly "Thanks"

"It's nothing. Do you want me to call Alex?" Olivia asks and I'm drawn into an internal battle.

Yes, I want Alex here, in my arms, but at the same time, No, I don't want to burden her, make her worry.

"She loves you Casey" Olivia tells me and I smile

"I know, I love her too"

"Then let her in, let her be here" Olivia says and I nod my head

"Please, can you call her?"

Olivia heads into the kitchen, and I know she wants to talk to Alex without me hearing. I know hearing her talk to Alex and console her won't help me right now.

* * *

Alex arrives, and she looks so worried. I know Olivia must have told her I'd been drinking. I just wish she hadn't, would Alex even notice otherwise. Probably, she notices a lot.

She opens her arms to me, and I tentatively step closer to her. She reaches for me, pulling me into a hug and don't try to fight it "I'm sorry" I whisper

"You have no reason to apologise Casey"" she tells me and I pull back to look at her. She kisses me on the nose and then smiles "I'm here"

"I didn't mean to push you away Alex. I thought quitting SVU would give me relief but I feel worse"

"Do you regret resigning?" she asks and I shake my head. I don't. "Come on baby, let's sit down"

I follow her to couch, only slightly aware that Olivia is still there "Um, Liv"

Olivia looks up and smiles "I'll leave you both to talk. I'll see you both soon"

"Thanks Olivia" Alex says as Olivia places a kiss on my forehead and then Alex's

"Thank you" I manage to whisper as she leaves. I am really grateful that she called. I don't know how much I would have drunk if she hadn't.

"Case" Alex says quietly "Talk to me"

"I don't know what to say?"

"Tell me what you've been thinking, anything" she says and I sigh

"I don't know"

"You don't know what to tell me, or what you're feeling?" She asks

"Both. Alex, I love you"

"I love you too" she says, a few tears escaping and I wipe them away

"Don't cry Alex. Please" I beg, I hate seeing her hurting and I know it's my fault

"You're my world Casey, everything. I know things have moved so fast, and I know we're trying to take things slower, and that's okay. But I just want to be with you, in any way I can. Even if we're just sitting on the couch watching a movie, walking in the park, I just want to be with you, to tell you that I love you. I don't want to see you hurting and I know you are and I don't know how I can help, you push me away and I know you think it's protecting me, but I don't need protecting, not from you. You won't hurt me; I'm hurting because you're hurting, not because you've done something to hurt me. Whether you make sense when you talk, I don't care, I don't sometimes" She tells me, melting my heart with her words, the last part making me chuckle.

It feels good to sit like this, and to actually have a smile on my lips, and for it not to be forced.

We're both crying openly, arms wrapped in each other, and she's stroking my hair, placing a kiss on my head "When you're ready, we'll talk" she says and I sigh.

I don't know if I'll ever be ready, because I have no idea how I am feeling, and what I want. I know I want Alex, and I need her, but otherwise, I don't know

"I think I need to see someone" I say

"You mean a therapist?" She asks and I nod

"I'm scared" I say, voicing my thoughts out loud

"I know" she says, no more words needed as she continues to stroke my hair.

"Have you eaten?" she asks after a few minutes, although she knows I haven't. I'm beginning to get a headache, no doubt from the alcohol.

"No" I answer

"Shall we order take out?"

"Chicken" I say with a smile "Thanks"

"My pleasure. Casey, I just want you to be happy, remember"

"What about you?" I ask

"I'm fine as long as you are Casey"

"I hate hurting you"

"You're not. You worry me, you make me scared for you but you don't hurt me, not intentionally. You're allowed to feel depressed"

"I'm not…" I begin but she shakes her head cutting me off

"Don't try and make yourself believe that Casey"

"I'm just lost" I answer

"I've found you, you're here" she says, placing her hands on my chest where my heart is beating.

I lean in and place my lips against hers. I sigh as she pulls away "I'll be back"

She orders the take out, and returns, sitting beside me, I open my arms and she leans into me. I wrap my arms around her "Alex" I say quietly

"Mmm" She murmurs in reply

"Stay tonight. I need you"

"Are you sure?" she asks and I nod. I'm certain.

"I just can't be alone" I breathe out shakily, and she notices me trembling

"Hey, you're never alone, not really" she says, looking up at me "I'm always with you"

I don't know why Alex makes me cry so easily, but those words set me into a fresh round of tears and I hastily wiped them away, turning my head away

"Don't hide from me Casey; I love every part of you. Every tiny thing" she whispered and my tears continued as I chuckled

"You're amazing" I said kissing her forehead

"I know" she grinned, causing me to laugh as she tickled my ribs "And that's why you love me"

"Alex" I squealed, my breathing heavy "Stop please"

She let go and looked at me as I took a few deep breaths "Are you okay?"

"Yes. I haven't laughed like that in ages" I chuckled "Thank you"

"Glad to be of help" she said, pulling me close

"You know, you are amazing, and that's not just why I love you" I said with a smile "I love you because you're funny, smart, stubborn as hell, not to mention beautiful, and hot as hell. You make me smile, laugh, you make me feel good when I feel so rough, you comfort me, love me, care for me and let me do those things for you"

I could see the tears in her eyes as she leant forward to kiss me, as our lips touched, the doorbell rang and she laughed, loudly "I think that's our dinner"

I grinned as she got up and opened the door. Paying the delivery guy, she smiled at me, before heading to the kitchen. I stood to follow her "You stay there" she said pointing back on the couch

I sighed, sinking back down, the headache now taking full effect from my movements "Alex!" I called and she whipped her head round the door

"What's wrong?" she said concern gracing her features and I managed a smile

"Can you get me some Tylenol? I don't feel too good"

"Sure thing baby" she replied, heading into the bathroom. She returned to the kitchen and brought the food back, with a glass of water.

She handed me some Tylenol and the glass and I gave her an appreciative smile "Thanks"

"No worries, you okay?"

"Just a headache" I said, reaching for the food "So, what's new with you Alex?"

"Nothing much, um, work has just been the same. Though I miss you" she says and I sigh, looking down "I didn't say that to make you feel bad"

"Well you did" I bite out

"Well, I'm sorry, you asked, and I was being honest" she said with a hint of sadness

"Well you could have been a bit more tactful Alex" I said a little louder than intended and then shook my head before softening my voice "Sorry, I don't want to fight"

"Neither do I" she mumbled with a sigh

"Alex, I said I'm sorry" I apologised again, a few tears escaping.

She leant up and wiped them away "I know. You're tired. Just eat and then rest"

I sighed and pushed my plate away "I just want to sleep"

"Then sleep baby" she whispered, pulling me close to her "I'll still be here"

"You'll stay?" I mumbled the question sleepily closing my eyes

"As long as you want me to" she replied as I drifted off.

* * *

When I awake, I realise I'm in my own bed, and Alex is lying beside me. I'm fully dressed, as is she although she isn't under the covers with me. I glance at the clock, 3am. I sigh and climb out of the bed carefully as not to wake Alex who has a smile on her lips.

She's so beautiful, she really is. I am so lucky to have her.

I head into the living room, picking up the paper; I browse through the job ads, circling a couple, with the intention of calling later.

"Hey" I hear Alex's voice "Couldn't sleep?"

"I just woke and needed to do something" I said, glancing at the paper as she sat down beside me

"Job hunting? Casey, this can wait. You need to rest" she says sighing

"I know, baby. I know" I mumbled

Alex opened her arms and I lay in them, as she grabbed the comforter from the back of the couch, wrapping it around us both "Here we are again" she chuckles and I smile

"Did you carry me to bed?" I asked raising an eyebrow

"You'd get a stiff neck sleeping like that" she said stroking my hair

"Why didn't you wake me?"

"You needed sleep Casey. How are you feeling?"

"Physically, a bit better though I still have a little headache and Mentally, I don't know"

"You'll figure it out Casey, I know you will"

"Go back to bed Al, you've got to be up in a few hours" I say remembering the time

"It's Saturday, I'm not doing anything" she says and then I realise the day and her outfit for the first time

"Did I make you miss your gym session?"

"Don't worry about Casey. I'd rather be with you" she says pulling me even closer

"I love you"

"I love you too. Can you try and sleep?"

"Maybe" I sighed, and then yawned.

"Just close your eyes" she whispered, drawing circles on the small of my back

"Can I go put my pyjamas on?"

She laughed "Can I borrow some?"

I laughed with her "Sure"

We changed and then snuggled back under the covers on the bed, sighing I rolled over and pulled close "What shall we do tomorrow?"

"Whatever you want Casey, we'll decide tomorrow. Stop thinking and sleep"

"I don't know if I can switch off"

"Just close your eyes, and relax" she whispers as I comply, and then I feel her running her hand under my pyjama top

"Alex" I squeaked, in shock

"Relax, it's not my intention to excite you, just calm you" she said quietly

I sighed and closed my eyes again. Her fingers stroking my skin, it was calming and comforting, I sighed as a smile crept onto my lips. This was what it was about. I was such a fool to push her out. I needed her, she completes me. We can go slowly while being comforting.

**This was a tough chapter for me to write, but I hope it came out okay. Reviews welcome as always **


	16. Chapter 16

**A.N: Sorry for not posting sooner, it was back to work and a very busy day yesterday, and I wasn't able to concentrate as I kept falling asleep. So, I finished this today, adding a little at work, and then continuing when I got in.**

**Thanks for the continuing support. Casey is gradually getting herself back, but it's still a slow process. Hope you are enjoying, and will enjoy this chapter. I sure did enjoy writing it! **

Chapter 16:

I awoke to the feel of fingers tracing my cheek, running over my lips and I smiled because it was Saturday, and I had a whole weekend with my blonde. The blue hue of Alex's were looking down at me with a smile as I opened my eyes "Hey" she whispered

"Hi" I answered "What time is it?"

"Nearly 9" she answered

I sighed "Have you been up long?" I had noticed she was dressed in her outfit from yesterday

"An hour" she mused, glancing at the clock

"Why didn't you wake me?"

"You needed to sleep and you were just so beautiful in peace" she said kissing my lips gently. I pulled her down against me, my fingers tangling in her hair as I moved to deepen the kiss

"I could get used to this" she said with a smile and I arched my brow.

"Alex, I told you…" I began but I wasn't angry, I just had wanted to discuss this somewhere else than in bed

"I didn't mean it like that Casey, I was making an observation" she answered, sitting up as I did the same

"I'm sorry"

"I know" she said with a smile "But you don't need to be"

"Yeah, I do. I've been such an idiot lately, and you've been nothing but perfect. I don't deserve you"

"Be quiet" she urged "I don't want to hear it"

"Sorry"

"You better be, now come on, get up. I made breakfast"

"You did?" I asked with a smile

"Sorry, was that okay? I mean, I didn't think you'd mind, but if you do, I guess…" Alex rambled and I chuckled, before placing a kiss to her lips, silencing her

"It's perfect, you are perfect"

Alex grinned and then pulled me from the bed "I love you" she whispered and it was my turn to attach a huge smile to my face

"I love you too Al"

* * *

Alex had cooked cheese on toast, and made coffee, which was heavenly. To be honest, I could get used to this. I was aware we'd only been intimate once, but I knew we would again, when we were ready.

I had a few calls to make, and after I had done so, I was visibly more relaxed

"I've got two interviews" I told Alex as she entered the living room after loading the dishwasher

"That's great Case" she said with a smile "What are they?"

"One is for a deli on the other side of Manhattan and the other is for a diner out in Queens"

"Sounds okay. Casey, are you totally certain this is what you want?"

"Jesus Alex, can you dampen the mood?" I huffed, moving away from where she had sat beside me

"Casey" she warned "I wasn't saying that, I was just making sure. I don't want you to regret anything and make yourself feel worse. That's what I'm saying, that I love you, and I want you to be happy"

I sighed as I approached the window "I don't know what I want, except you. I know that SVU isn't for me anymore, that law isn't for me at the moment. I am not saying I'd never go back to it, but for now, you know?"

Alex nodded "I know"

"Listen Alex, I wanted to apologise" I began as Alex held up her hand signalling for me to stop "No, Al, listen. I love you, more than anything, and if the last few weeks have told me anything, it's just that. I'm sorry that I pushed you away, and I'm sorry that I hurt you. But I'm not sorry I came back to SVU, I am not sorry that we began this, and I am definitely not sorry for loving you, I love you and I want you to always remember that, no matter how bitchy I'm being"

"I know. Casey, I should be the one apologising"

"Well, we'll call it even eh? You don't need to apologise, you did nothing wrong" I said as I pulled her closer to me, wrapping my arms around her neck

"So, what shall we do today?" she murmured into my neck

I smirked "I could think of plenty of things and none of them involve needing clothes"

Alex raised her brow as she began to kiss my neck, gently "Oh god Casey, don't tease me"

"Who said I was teasing?" I countered, as she looked at me expectantly "I need a shower"

Alex started to laugh "Casey, you little…"

I began laughing too "What? You gonna finish that…?"

"Nah, I love you too much to insult you" she answered, her lips meeting mine, I could feel my body responding, and I wanted her, I just wanted to tease her a little longer

"I'm serious Al, I need a shower"

"Well, go on then" she said pulling back, disappointedly "I'll have another coffee waiting"

"Wanna join me?" I asked, as I noticed the hurt look on her face and deciding I couldn't tease her, or leave her hanging and she turned to smile at me

"Really?"

I nodded "Yeah. I want you to make love to me in the shower"

"Oh god" she murmured, stripping almost immediately and it caused me to laugh out loud

"Eager much?"

She smiled "Yes"

We reached the shower and I turned the taps on, and began to undress seductively (Well I hope that's how it looked) watching Alex out the corner of my eye. God she's beautiful.

"You're beautiful" she whispered and I giggled "What?"

"Nothing Alex, I was just thinking the same thing, about you"

She smiled as she stepped closer to me, her fingers running under the spray of the shower "It's perfect"

As we gingerly stepped into the shower, she captured my lips and pushed me against the wall "I've missed this" she said breathlessly pulling away slightly

"Me too" I murmured, feeling the wetness between my legs, and it wasn't from the shower. I pulled her back in as I felt her leg connect with my centre causing me to moan "Al"

"Mmm?" she asked, as I began to rock against her, her lips began to kiss my neck, sucking on my pulse point.

I could feel my body reacting, the tingle in my stomach rising, my body beginning to quiver. I was so close, and the contact had been minimal "Oh god"

"You're gonna come aren't you?" she breathed, her hand grasping my breasts, the other turning off the tap.

I nodded, and she pulled her leg away "Al" I groaned

"All in good time baby" she whispered in her seductive and arousal filled tone before her fingers entered me. Within seconds, my back was arching and I came intensely

"Oh my god Alex, fuck, fuck, oh my, Jesus Alex"

I fell to the ground as she removed her fingers "You okay?" she asked

"Yeah" I panted "That was amazing"

She smirked "Why thank you"

I slapped her leg playfully "God"

"Just Alex will do" she grinned and I groaned "Can you breathe enough to fuck me?"

I looked up at her from where I was kneeling in front of her "Alex"

"What?"

"I think we did more than just fuck, this is more than just sex right?"

Alex furrowed her brows confused, before it clicked "Of course. Sorry, I was just in the moment. I meant…you know, can you…um?" she said and I placed my hands on her hips

"Make you come?" I asked, as I let my fingers tease her entrance as my tongue came in contact with her clit

"Yes" she gasped as I began to flick my tongue over the bud, my fingers inches from being inside her

"What do you want Al?"

"You…inside…now" she gasped out as I sucked hard on the nub between my lips

I grinned, before entering her with two fingers. I began a steady pace as she began to arch into me

"Case, please…more" she said and I complied, curling my fingers and I thrust in and out, harder. I could feel her walls clamping around my fingers as I continued to nibble at her clit

"Ah, so good Case, that's it, right there, gosh I'm so close" she panted as I bit her clit gently, and the first tremor took in her body, she went rigged and then began to spasm uncontrollably while letting out a long and throaty moan.

I felt her wetness soak my fingers and it dripped into my hand, I used my free hand to hold her upright. When she finally began to slow her tremors, I looked up and saw she had tears flowing relentlessly down her cheeks

"Alex" I whispered, withdrawing my fingers slowly, placing a kiss on her clit, which caused her to spasm. "Al?"

"Mmm" she murmured before sighing

"You alright?"

I saw her nod as I stood, and pulled her close. "Wow"

"That was intense huh?" I asked and she sighed

"Uh huh"

I smiled as I took her hands and let her out into the bedroom. I helped her get settled and then curled myself against her, stroking her hair "Sleep"

"You killed me" she chuckled and I laughed

"Sorry"

"Oh I'm not complaining" she answered with a sigh "You're amazing"

"Why thank you" I answered, repeating her earlier cockiness and she laughed

"I love you"

"I love you too Al"

Alex sighed and closed her eyes "I've missed this"

"Me too" I answered, and then decided to just go with it "Move in with me?"

"What?" she said, bolting upright

"I said move in with me"

"Me, move in here?" she asked, looking down at me incredulously

"Yeah" I replied "Unless this place is below your standards"

"Casey" she said looking at me "I would never…is that what you think?"

"No, I was just trying to lighten to the mood" I sighed "If you don't want to…"

Alex cut me off my placing a kiss to my lips "I'd love to, if you're sure"

"Certain. Look Alex, if anything I've realised, life is too short, I love you, you love me. I don't want to lose you"

"You'll never lose me silly" she answered returning to my side, as she snuggled up against me

"I just, I want to come home and cook for you, I want to lay with you every night, and wake up to you in the morning, I want to take showers with you, and sit by the fire in the winter, and lounge around naked in the summer. I want to share my home with you"

I could see Alex tears, and then I heard them. Alex was sobbing her heart out beside me, and it was unexpected. I had seen Alex cry, many times over the course of the last few weeks, but nothing like this, not uncontrollably.

"Alex?" I said pulling her into me "Shh, hey. What's brought this on?"

"You" she choked out "I love you, so fucking much Casey"

I smiled "Is that all? You're crying because you love me"

"Gee, isn't that enough. God, you're beautiful, you're the best thing that ever happened to me"

This made the tears well in my own eyes and I let them fall "Look at us, what a pair of saps"

Alex chuckled "But you're still beautiful"

"You are too"

Alex leant in to place a kiss on my lips, and I teased her lower lip. We made out for a few minutes.

"I want to make love to you again, but I'm still so shattered" she sighed as she pulled back

"Then sleep, and when you wake up, I'll let you do whatever you please"

"You will?" she said grinning "God, I can't wait"

**That was fun! Wasn't it?**


	17. Chapter 17

**A.N: I'm sorry for the delay in getting this chapter up and because it's so short. I've been so busy with work, as it's nearing Christmas and we have so much to do this half term with the children. Plus, November is always a tough month for me, so much has happened over the last 5 or so years and November is a hard month to get through.**

**Again, I'm sorry for the delay and that this chapter is short. It's a little heavy and deals with a sensetive subject towards the end, although not directly in this chapter**

Chapter 17:

The next couple of days flew by and before I knew it, we were steadily approaching Midweek and the day that we had decided that Alex would move in permanently. We had discussed relentlessly about whether she would move in here, or I'd move in to her place like she had originally suggested. It was a big decision and a choice we couldn't make lightly. Alex had wanted to keep her apartment, and I had a few issues with that because it felt like she wanted a backup in case it didn't work out. To be honest, it made sense but she had promised me that it wasn't just that. That her place was bigger and we didn't know what the future would hold for us both.

So, now it's Wednesday morning, and Alex is packing the last of her things. On Monday I had the two interviews I had acquired at the weekend but I wasn't certain how they had gone, I was nervous as hell and kept stumbling over myself. They never seemed to let on how I was doing, but I hadn't heard from them. They had both informed me, I'd know by the end of the week, but I was getting impatient and more nervous.

"Casey" Alex called to me, snapping me from my thoughts as I look up to her see her trying to balance two boxes, which look pretty heavy

"Jesus Al, what have you got in them boxes?" I asked as I took one from her, and noticed it was rather heavy as I had thought

"Book" she answers

"Law Books?" I ask and she nods "I have plenty of these at my place Alex"

"I know, I'm not bringing all the ones I have, just some that you don't and some that mean something to me" she explains, setting her box down on the floor as I do the same

"Are you nervous?" I ask

"A little, are you?"

"Hell yes, I'm terrified" I answer and she furrows her brows, as I sit down

"Case, you know if you're not sure…" she begins and I shake my head

"Al, I'm certain, I want this. I really do. I'm just nervous, is all. It's a big step"

"I know. I love you Case" she says sitting beside me, and taking my hand in hers

"I love you too. Alex?"

"Mmm" she murmurs, as I wrap my arms around her waist, pulling her closer

"Can you come with me, when I see the therapist?" I ask quietly. I had made an appointment earlier in the morning for Friday morning, because I know I needed to talk to someone and soon.

"Do you want me to?" she asks and I nod

"Yeah, I wouldn't ask if I didn't want you to come. I'm scared, but with you, it'll be that much easier"

"Really, I help that much?" she asks

"Of course you do Alex. I'm so much happier when you're with me" I explain with a small smile

"I'm glad I help. Of course I'll come"

"Thanks" I answer, placing a kiss on her lips "Come on, let's go home"

"Home, I like the sound of that. Let's go home" she says pulling me from the couch as she stands

The journey back to my, I mean, our apartment goes relatively quickly, and quietly. I know she's as nervous as I am and that we both don't understand why. I guess its knowing that this is our home now, together. Should it feel different? I'm not sure what we are supposed to feel, to do.

I'm still really nervous about the job interviews because it feels like I'm waiting to be told they don't think I'm good enough. I hate feeling this lack of self confidence but it feels like I'm just never going to get anywhere

"Alex?"

"Yeah baby" she asks as she parks the car

"If I don't get the job, what will I do?"

She looks at me questionably "You'll look for something else. Casey, you need to stop doubting yourself and worrying about the negative things"

I sigh "I know"

"No, you don't. Everything that happens you end up doubting yourself, you go on and on about all the things that are going wrong but you don't stop to appreciate what you do have" Alex says and I can tell she's getting irritated. Am I really that bad?

"I can't help it"

"Yes you can! Sometimes Casey, you just need to stop wallowing and stop acting…" she starts, and her tone is icy and I've never heard it like this, not directed at me. I'm trying not to cry

"Acting like what? A child…gee thanks" I say as I open the door and get out of the car

Alex follows as I slam the car door, and she glares at me "Casey…"

"God Alex, it's just a car"

"Yes, my car. Casey, I'm sorry, okay. I didn't mean to be so shirty with you"

"You did, and you're right" I huff walking away. I can hear her behind me but she doesn't speak. I let myself into the apartment, and head straight for the bathroom

"Case, don't go hiding from me. I said I'm sorry"

I turn and glare at her "Are you, because you sounded like you meant everything you said?"

"Yes" she says softly "I am sorry. I don't like it when you start getting so self conscious and acting negative"

"You think I enjoy being like this, you think I want to hate myself so fucking much that sometimes I wish…" I realise what I'm about to say and the tears overwhelm me as I rush into the bathroom, locking the door behind me before Alex can enter.

"Case" she says really quietly "Don't hide from me, please. Talk to me, I know you're scared. Help me understand"

"You won't" I cry "You don't get it"

"No, I don't, and do you know why because I think you're amazing, you really are and I can't get that you don't see it but I know you don't. I want to help you find yourself"

I'm crying harder as I sink onto the cold floor. I can't believe I was about to say that I'd rather be…It just came out, and to be honest, now it's out, I realise how much I've actually thought about it. I have all the means right here. I have everything I need to do it, but Alex is out there and maybe that's enough, maybe she is what I need. "I'm sorry" I cry, and then whimper

"Case, Casey, let me in. Talk to me, please" I hear her say and I can hear how worried she is, I can hear that she's panicking and scared and it makes me feel so much worse.

I manage to unlock the door and I see the tears in Alex's eyes as she picks me up in her arms. I can see how worried she is, and that makes me feel even worse.

"I love you" she whispers quietly in my ear "I love you more than words, Casey"

I sob into her shoulder, as she rubs my back, whispering how much she loves me, how much she cares about me and telling me that it's okay.

"I'm sorry"

"Hey" Alex says pulling away and looking directly at me "Don't apologise for feeling Casey, ever. Just talk to me, okay"

"I'm scared"

"What are you scared of?"

I sigh "Everything"

"Okay. Listen; let's go sit on the couch. We can just sit and cuddle, for a while"

I nod and let her guide me out of the bathroom and into the living room. Sitting onto the couch, Alex pulls me to sit between her legs. I lean back with a sigh as she places a kiss on my forehead and strokes my hair.

**Okay, I'm sorry for going down this road, but like I said in my opening note, November is a tough month, and I might end up bringing things that I'm dealing with, or remembering. Writing is therapeutic for me, and if that annoys you, I apologise. Anyway, reviews are welcome even though this is a short chapter**


	18. Chapter 18

**A.N: New Chapter for you guys. **

**Warning: Chapter mentions thoughts about suicide, just to let you know before you read. **

**I know that this was meant to be a happier story and compared to my others, it is. I'm sorry if you don't like where this has headed but it won't completely revolve around depression, Casey just has a few things she needs to work out. If you have any ideas on things you'd like to see then leave your ideas in a review or PM me.**

Chapter 18:

I'm nestled against Alex as she holds me on the couch. I'm still crying, silently and she's whispering comfortingly into my ear "Shh, its okay. I love you, you know that right. Just let it out baby, you're okay"

After a little while I sit myself up, and look at her "Al?"

"Yeah?"

"I love you too"

"I know you do, Casey. I don't want you to bottle things up anymore, okay? You have to talk to me"

"I know. I'm sorry"

"And you need to stop apologising for feeling, because you have nothing to be sorry for" she says, as she takes me hand in hers "Talk to me"

"I just…I know I never got those jobs, I haven't heard from them and…"

"Hey" she says cutting me off "You don't know that, you haven't heard either way so don't go worrying yourself and being negative"

"I just…"

"You don't know Casey; you're just getting ahead of yourself there, aren't you? When the time comes and you get the call, either way, you did your best, and if you don't get either job, it's more than likely that they had so many applications and interviews, and someone stuck out more than you, or had tons of experience. When they call, and if you don't get the job, ask them why…then you can work on what you need to and give yourself better chances and opportunities"

I know she's right, she's always right, but I still can't help but doubt myself. "I'm scared"

"You keep saying that, but I don't know why Casey. You're amazing, any company would be lucky to have you on their team"

"You've got to say that Alex" I say and Alex glares at me

"I never say anything that I don't believe to be true Casey"

I don't know what else I'm meant to say, so I don't answer, instead I let out a sigh and lean back against Alex. I'm so tired and I can't actually believe that we've had our first argument.

"I'm sorry I shouted at you" Alex says quietly, which makes me smile because she can read me so well sometimes and I know that she means it.

"I know, and I'm sorry…" I begin and she glares at me, causing me to stop my apology. I hope she really knows that I am sorry

"Case, did you really mean what you said about wishing…" I cut her off because I don't want her to say it

I shrug my shoulders "It was silly"

She smiles at me "A little, but if you really feel like that Casey, you need to tell me, or someone. I don't want to come home and find you've slit your wrists or overdosed"

Hearing her actually say that causes me to choke back a sob, and then I'm bawling my eyes out. I've been such an idiot. Would I really do it? I've thought about it a few times, but I don't think I've seriously got to the point where I would, have I? Not until a few minutes ago.

"Hey, hey. I don't want to upset you, Case" she soothes, stroking my hair "Do you actually feel like that, or was it a heat of the moment thing?"

I shrug my shoulders "I don't…sometimes. I mean, I think about it, but…I wouldn't, I don't think"

"You don't sound very certain Case, and that scares me. You'll talk to the therapist about this, right?"

I nod "Yeah" I say quietly but Alex raises an eyebrow

"And that didn't sound convincing either"

"I will, I will" I say, as more tears spill out "Alex, I'm scared"

"What are you scared of?" she asks

"I don't know, I'm scared I'll get to the point where it's my only option"

"It's never the only option and I think you know that, I just think you've been in a bad place for a long time and you're struggling just a little. I think talking is going to help, and when you get a job, and I know you will, I think you'll start feeling more confident again"

"Maybe" I sigh

"Hey" she says as she lifts me from her, turning my cheek so I'm looking right at her "You will, and I am going to be with you every step of the way"

"Why?" I ask, wondering how on earth she can keep so positive, and keep standing by me even when I'm being such an idiot

"Why what?" she asks raising a brow

"Why will you be with me, why are you with me?"

"Casey, I love you. I care about you, and I hate that you're hurting, that is why I'm here and while I'll always be here"

"But you got angry"

"I wasn't angry at you; I just hate seeing you be so negative. I can't fathom why you put yourself down so much, that's all"

"We had our first argument" I think out loud

"All couples have arguments Casey, that's natural"

"I know" I murmur and I can hear Alex sigh as she pulls me back against her.

"Casey, promise me if you start thinking about suicide, you'll talk to me. I need to know that I won't come home to you, like that"

I move a little and shrug my shoulders

"No, you don't get to do that. You have to promise me, you'll talk to me before you get to the point where it's too much, please" I can hear the crack in Alex's voice and when I sit up and turn to her, I see she's crying

"Alex, don't cry" I say quietly, my own tears welling behind my eyes. I don't want to hurt her and I can see she's hurting

"Casey, I don't want to lose you" she sobs and my own tears fall. We must look like a complete mess.

"You won't" I say, sounding more confident than I really feel

"You have to talk to me. Even if it hurts to know you feel like that, it would break me if I lost you. I love you so much"

"I will" I say, and hope that I can if I need to. I don't know if I'm saying it because I don't want to see her cry or if I really will talk to her if that thought comes into my head. I don't know if I'll ever have the guts to do anything like that, but it scares me that I've thought about it "I love you"

"Come here" she whispers, opening her arms to me and I snuggle into her, as she strokes my hair.

After a little while my stomach rumbles, making us both jump and I chuckle, and Alex smiles "You're beautiful when you laugh"

"Thanks" I murmur blushing a little

Alex places a kiss on my head "Shall I make lunch or something?"

"Don't you need to get back to work?"

"Nope, I took the day off. I didn't want to rush moving my stuff in; I wanted to have some time with you"

"And I ruined your plans" I mumble, feeling guilty

"No, you didn't Case. I'm still here, with you and that is all I want. I don't care what we do as long as I'm with you, you're all I need baby" she says, and I give her a small smile

"You're so good to me Al"

"I try" she chuckles "So, lunch?"

I nod and as Alex moves, her cell rings "Alex Cabot"

I watch as Alex listens to whoever is on the other end of the cell

"I'm at home. Um, you can pop it round" she says nodding, and I chuckle as she hangs up.

She turns and raises a brow at me, and I laugh louder

"What?"

"You were nodding, they can't see you Alex" I say and Alex giggles

"I forget. Hey, stop laughing at me Case"

"Sorry" I say quietly, turning my head away

"Hey, hey, I was joking" she says and sits beside me "Olivia's popping a file over for me to look at, is that okay?"

I nod and then remember "She does know you're here, right? Not at your apartment"

"Yeah, I told her I was moving today and I'd be here if she wanted me. She was just checking we were in" Alex says with a smile "So, what shall I do for lunch?"

"I sort of fancy a salad or something" I say, actually feeling somewhat hungry

"Salad is good, you've got something we can use right?" she asks standing up

I nod "Yeah. I guess I better do a shop or something tomorrow"

Alex heads into the kitchen and calls out "Do you want a coffee or something?"

My first thought is I really fancy a whisky or something, but then I realise that isn't a great idea since Olivia is coming over, I really don't need another lecture on drinking. "Yes please"

Alex pokes her head out of the kitchen "You okay?"

I give her a wide smile "Fine"

I know she isn't overly convinced by the look she gives me, but she doesn't say anything as she heads back into the kitchen.

"Do you need any help?" I ask after a few minutes

"No, I'm all good. You see what's on TV that we can watch, you're choice" she calls back

"Okay" I answer quietly, as I switch the TV on, and then grab the remote. I snuggle into the corner of the couch as I flick through the channels.

I'm not paying a lot of attention to what's on, I'm thinking about the job interviews and what I could have done better. I was reluctant to over sell myself, and I didn't ask any questions, nothing really came to mind. I wasn't exactly prepared, I hadn't like gone over what they might ask or what I should ask or say. I was nervous, and I know I fidgeted a lot, did they notice that? Probably.

"Hey, the TV won't choose itself" I hear Alex say as she approaches me, making me jump. She chuckles "Sorry"

I give her a small smile "its fine"

"You were thinking" she states, not accusingly, but enough for me to know that she wants to know what I was thinking

"Yeah, nothing important though. What do you want to watch?"

"I said it was your choice" Alex says as she hands me a plate with tomatoes, lettuce, cucumber, croutons, raisins, cress, celery, onion and carrot.

"This looks nice"

"Thanks. So, anything good on"

"I don't know" I admit "I wasn't really paying attention"

"Oh look, American Idol's on"

"Seriously?" I ask raising a brow. I would never peg Alex as someone who likes reality shows

"I've seen it a few times, there's not much else on in the evening"

"Do you want to watch it?" I ask and she smiles

"I said it was your choice"

"Yeah" I say "But I don't know what to put on, so if you want to watch this, then I'll watch with you"

"You don't mind" she asks and I shake my head as I switch it to the correct channel.

I eat the salad slowly, while watching the show, but I'm not overly interested or paying attention again, I just keep going over the last few years and trying to work out where everything went completely wrong. I know now that I should have stayed in New York and seen a therapist then, but at the time, being here was too tough, and I thought a fresh start would be a good idea.

Alex seems totally engrossed in the show and I smile slightly, people never really see enough of this side of Alex, though I am glad that I'm one of the few she shares it with.

* * *

I open my eyes as I hear laughter, it's not Alex, and it takes me a minute to realise that I must have fallen asleep while eating, because my half finished plate is on the table and Alex isn't beside me. I hear the laughter again and then a voice

"Oh my goodness Alex, I'd forgotten all about that"

Isn't that…Olivia? Now, I remember, she had some files to bring over. I squint at the clock, is that 2pm? I've been asleep for over an hour. I mumble as I try and sit up

"Hey sleepy head" I hear Alex say and as I turn my head I notice she's curled up on the floor against the armchair in which Olivia is sitting and I have a blanket draped across me.

"Hey" Olivia says with a smile

I smile "Hi Liv"

"Alex and I were just reminiscing about old times" she tells me and I give her a small smile

"Sounds like fun. I'll be back, I need the loo" I say as I get up and head to the bathroom.

I don't know if I'm feeling jealous, or whether I'm just a bit disorientated from waking.

I use the loo and wash my hands and brace myself to head back out, hoping I don't look too bad to the outer eye.

"You okay?" I hear Alex ask as I open the door, and it almost makes me jump. I wasn't expecting her to be standing right outside

"Yeah, fine. Where's Olivia?"

"She's on the balcony Case, you sure you're okay?"

"I'm fine Al, I promise. I must have just been tired"

"I think the emotions from earlier drained you a little" she says and I nod, maybe that's why I'm feeling a little achy

"Would Olivia be offended if I went to lie down a little?"

"No, I wouldn't" I hear Olivia answer as she comes inside "And I'm off anyway, that was Nick, we've got to go talk to someone, so I'll see you guys soon"

I nod and smile as Alex sees Olivia out. I head to the bedroom and sit on the edge of the bed. I don't get what's up; I'm just over thinking a bit much.

"You want another coffee? The last one got cold" Alex asks as she heads into the bedroom and I nod

"Yes please"

I think I really need to talk to the therapist on Friday, I'm scared but I need help, I know I do. I can't keep bottling things in, and I know Alex is worried about me. She looks at me so sadly, and I know she cares, I just hate worrying her.

**Please review, it means a lot when you do. **


	19. Chapter 19

**A.N: It took me ages to get home from my sisters tonight, the buses were so up the creak, it was a complete joke. I waited for over half an hour for a bus and then it was terminating in town, so I then had to wait another 15 minutes for the next one! And it was packed.**

**Anyway, because I got home late I'm only just being able to post this chapter. **

**It's not a long one, though so my apologies. **

**Thank you to Madds21 for the review on previous chapter :) x**

Chapter 19:

My cell rings startling me from my nap. I don't recognise the number and my heart starts pounding in my chest.

"Hello"

"Good Afternoon, Is that Miss Novak?" a lady asks

"Y-yes" I stammer

"Hi, it's Jackie from Lowry's Diner"

"Hi"

"Unfortunately you weren't successful with the interview, but we'll keep your details on record for further usage" she tells me and my heart sinks, although I kind of expected not to get the job.

Alex's words come into my head "Is there a particular reason why I wasn't successful?" I ask

"We were looking for someone with a little more people skills, we needed someone who could take the rains, and there were more appropriate interviewees" she tells me. I feel my eyes welling with tears. 'What's happened to me?' I wonder

"Thanks anyway" I say and end the call. When I look up, Alex is standing in the doorway

"It's okay, you've still got another one to hear from and we can look in the paper Friday for anything else, or online later" she says quietly, it feels like she's trying to keep me together and maybe she is, maybe she knows I'm going to break

I nod, and give her a small smile "Yeah"

"What did they say? Which one was it?"

"It was the diner" I tell her as she sits on the bed next to me

"In queens?"

I nod and then clamber off the bed. I lean out of the window, and sigh.

"They need someone with people skills" I mutter and then laugh at the absurdity of that statement "People skills, I used to go neck and neck with ruthless defence attorneys in a courtroom full of people, yet I don't have enough people skills for a fucking diner!"

I don't often swear but I'm so pissed off, at myself and everything.

"Case" Alex says quietly and I turn around quickly

"Don't" I say "Don't tell me its okay, don't try and pretend it's not such a fucking mess"

I can see the sadness in her eyes, and the way she tilts her head to look at me, it drives me insane. I don't need her pity, that way she looks at me like she doesn't know what to say, I don't like it, in fact I freaking hate it. I walk past her and climb onto the bed, curling myself into a ball as I lay on my side.

I close my eyes as the first tear squeezes itself out. I feel Alex's hand on my back, rubbing soothingly but I shrug her off.

"Casey, don't let this get to you"

"Can I have some time alone?" I murmur and I hear her sigh, before she places a kiss on my cheek

"I'll be in the living room. I'm here Casey, remember that"

I close my eyes as she leaves and then I let my walls down, I scream into the pillow and have the rising urge to hit something, anything. Climbing off the bed, I open the balcony door, and pound my fist into the framework, over and over.

Then I scream again and sink onto my knees. I hear Alex calling me, asking if I'm okay and then I hear her gasp as she sees me.

"Casey! What did you do?"

I laugh, because it's fucking obvious by the state of my knuckles and the doorframe that wears my blood.

Alex doesn't share my humour though, and she takes my hand in hers, shaking her head "What am I going to do with you? You need help Case, and I mean it, you need to see someone tomorrow"

I laugh again "Yeah, help"

She glares at me "Casey, talk to me. Why did you do that?"

"I was angry"

"Yeah, I guessed that but why? It's just a job interview, you just need to look for something else, and move forward. I still think quitting SVU wasn't the best idea, because now you're beating yourself up over something like this and I mean literally"

I shrug my shoulders, I feel numb and I don't want to talk. Alex helps me to stand, as she closes the door behind her and pulls me towards the bathroom.

I let her clean my hand and bandage it, and follow her into the living room. I'd much rather be alone right now, but I know she won't let me out of her sight.

I close my eyes as I hear her dialling someone on her cell.

* * *

"Hey" Alex smiles at me when I awake.

"Hi" I murmur "What time is it?"

"Nearly 7pm" she answers as I sit up

I groan as the pain in my hand is registered in my brain "Fuck"

"I'll get you some pain medication" Alex says heading to the bathroom. She returns with a few pills and a glass of water "Here, take these"

"Thanks" I mumble as I gulp down the pills with the water "I'm sorry"

"Casey, you really are worrying me. It's not like you to be destructive like that, that's Olivia's forte" she says and I smile as I remember the countless times that Olivia would get angry

"And Elliot" I say

Alex chuckles, as she puts an arm around me "You're better than that Casey. You don't need to hit things, you need to talk. You need to open up and let people help you. Which is why, I've forwarded your appointment with the therapist to tomorrow morning"

"I'm okay" I tell her

"Maybe, but I still think you need to talk and the sooner the better. Still want me to come with you?"

"Please" I say quietly. I hate the vulnerability in my voice but I really don't think I could do it on my own.

"I don't know if I'll be allowed in the room, but I'll wait for you"

"Are you sure that Liz will be okay with it?"

"Yeah, I rang her earlier; just changed the day is all. It's fine"

I nod "Thank you"

Alex hugs me to her placing a kiss on my temple. "I've got a lasagne going in the oven; I thought we could do with some home cooked food, even if it's pasta"

"Sounds and smells lovely" I say with a smile, as I notice the aroma heading our way from the kitchen

Alex plates up the food, and we eat in silence. Every now and then I notice Alex looking at me, and I manage a smile each time, especially when she blushes. When I finish, I notice her grinning

"What?"

"You're beautiful" she says quietly "I'm so lucky to have you"

I don't mean to laugh but it just sounds wrong "No, I'm the lucky one"

"We're both lucky. I love you Casey Novak, and you better blooming believe it"

I laugh at her words "I love you too"

"Seriously though Casey, You're beautiful"

Alex clears away the plates and we sit on the couch as she puts on a movie. We'd decided on "The invention of Lying".

"That blonde looks so much like you Alex" I think allowed

"You think? I don't see it myself" Alex says "And anyway, she's funny"

"You're funny" I say with a smile which causes Alex to poke her tongue out and blow a raspberry "Actually, you're not"

Alex pouts which causes me to laugh and then I lean in and kiss her chastely on the lips "I love you though" I whisper

"Why are you whispering?" she replies in a whisper

"I don't know" I answer back still whispering and Alex laughs loudly

"You are funny" she says, and I smile

"You love me though"

"I do" she answers, as our lips meet gently. The kiss is sweet and loving, and neither of us is pushing for more. When we part needing air, Alex sighs and pulls me even closer to her, her arms wrapped around my waist.

**Reviews please. Some fun times ahead, (It's my birthday next week and I'm working on a really mushy birthday treat for Casey, from Alex of course)**


	20. Chapter 20

**A.N: Here's another chapter for you. I can see that the reviews are dwindling, and I know that I've taken this in a different direction that was originally intended. There will only be a few more chapters I think, because I can tell that it's kind of getting stale. Anyway, hope those that are still reading, enjoy. **

**(P.S. I know that Casey's birthday is in September (Thanks to Butterfly2202 for jogging my memory. I remember that episode now you mention it, one of the girls on trial was wearing a ring with a birthstone in it) , but this story is set in July and I do know that it is Diane Neal's birthday tomorrow (17th Nov), so Casey will have a July birthday, on a Sunday for the purpose of this story and to correspond with Diane's. Mine is the 20th :)**

Chapter 20:

I woke on Thursday to an empty bed, sighing I sat up ribbing my eyes. I could hear whistling coming from down the hall and I guessed that Alex was in the kitchen.

Surely enough as I approached the doorway, the smell of pancakes wafted through the air. Usually, I would be welcome for breakfast but I was nervous about the impending meeting with the therapist. I heaved as I rushed into the bathroom, vomiting the previous night's meal into the toilet.

"Casey" I heard Alex call and I groaned as another wave of nausea hit me "Oh baby"

I looked up at the worrying face of my beautiful girlfriend, and offered a small smile "Morning"

"Nerves?" she asked me and I nodded sheepishly

"I think that's all it is"

"Come and have breakfast, I made pancakes" she tells me and I heave over the bowl before shaking my head

"Just some juice I think"

"You need to eat Casey" she tells me as she sits beside me and rubs my back in circles

"I'll have something later, I don't think I'll hold it down" I mumble as I bring up whatever else is left. Alex holds my hair away from my face as I vomit.

After a few minutes I decide that I'm okay to move. Alex helps me to my feet and I follow her into the kitchen. The smell of breakfast isn't too tough on me and I guess that the nerves are playing a big part. I sigh as I sit down and Alex pours me some Orange Juice.

"Casey, relax" she says as she wraps her arms around my neck, kissing my earlobe "Don't worry about this"

"I know in reality it's nothing to worry about, it's just talking things through with someone, you know? But I just feel so sick thinking about it, and I'm scared, I don't get it"

"It's hard opening up and discussing your feelings, fears and things but it's something you need to do and it will help you" Alex tells me and I nod, I know she's right. I'm not denying it, I'm just nervous.

Alex takes a seat opposite me with a smile "It's your birthday on Sunday, isn't it?"

I nod with a smile "Yeah. I'll be 35"

"Well, don't make any plans, I'm treating you"

"You don't have to Al" I say wide eyed, I haven't celebrated my birthday since before my censure and it would be nice to do something, but I don't expect Alex to go to any trouble

"I know, but I want you to spoil my beautiful girlfriend because she's wonderful and she deserves to have everything she wants"

"I've got you" I say with a smile "That's all I need"

Alex looks at me before she gets up and wraps her arms around me, the force of the embrace startles me "That's the most romantic thing anyone has ever said to me" she whispers in my ear and I can hear she is struggling not to cry. I kiss her on the cheek as she pulls away

"I mean it Alex, I could be homeless and broke but as long as I have you, I have all I really want"

Alex's tears are running freely along her cheeks, I wipe them away with my thumbs as she takes a deep breath "I love you Casey"

"I love you too Al. Don't cry"

"I'm just so happy to be here with you, and you make me feel loved and cherished like no one ever has and I guess, I just love you so much" she says chuckling "Gosh, I do love you"

I smile as she begins to clear the table. I love Alex so much, and even though I am scared about today and what's to come, I feel safe and content that I have her by my side to help me. I mean it; it's all I really need.

* * *

"Are you ready?" Alex asks me as we enter the building where I'm to see the therapist. I haven't let go of her hand since we got out of the car a few blocks away. We hadn't been able to find a space to park any closer.

I nod gently "As ready as I'll ever be". Alex squeezes my hand as we approach the desk "I have an appointment at 9.30. Casey Novak"

"Take a seat Miss Novak. We'll let you know when Natalie is ready for you"

"Can my girlfriend come in with me?" I ask

The lady shakes her head "I'm sorry, the first appointment Natalie likes to see the patient on their own, but you can ask her for future appointments"

I nod her and thank her, feeling more nervous now I know I have to go in on my own "I'll be out here Casey, just talk to her, okay…?"

I nod as I take a seat, Alex sitting beside me, her hand still clutching mine. It gives me support and keeps me calm more than she realises.

A short time later, the door to a room opens and a lady with dark blonde hair peeps her head around the door, "Casey Novak?" she asks and I stand up quickly. I'm shaking like a leaf and Alex pulls me into a hug, before kissing me gently on the lips

I follow the lady, whom I assume is Natalie into the room, glancing behind me at Alex who has retaken her seat; she gives me a smile, nodding her head.

"Hi Casey, I'm Natalie" The lady says, offering her hand as she closes the door, and Alex disappears from my view

"Hi" I murmur, giving her hand a gentle shake, hoping she can't see how much I'm trembling

"Take a seat"

I sit in the armchair opposite from her and clasp my hands together.

"Relax" she says with a smile "Tell me why you've come today"

I take a deep breath "I feel like I'm going to explode, I feel like so much has happened and I don't know how to get back to where I was before. How to be happy"

Natalie nods and makes some notes on a sheet of paper "Tell me how this started, what's happened to get to this point"

I take another breath, rubbing my hands together "I'm an attorney, a prosecutor, well I was. I was censured; I lied to a judge and lost my license for 3 years. I moved to New Orleans, and worked in a juice bar but I got fired, because I wasn't exactly welcoming, I just lost myself and everything angered me or reminded me of what I was, you know?"

Natalie nods, while still writing, letting me know she is listening and that I can continue

"I then worked in wall mart. It was a job, gave me money you know"

"How did you cope when you weren't working?" She asks me and I avert my gaze

"I drank; I sat at home with a bottle of wine, vodka, whisky and just drank"

"How much would you say you drank?"

"Every night, I didn't get totally drunk, but just enough to forget for a bit you know?" I murmur

Natalie nods, and scribbles something on the paper, before looking up "Do you drink now?"

"Not like I did then. I might have a glass with my meal of an evening, but not all the time"

She nods again "Okay. What's happening now, you obviously left New Orleans, and came here"

"I lived here before I was censured. When I was reinstated my license, I was offered my old job back. I had to be supervised, and the person who was supervising me, Alex, she had been with the unit I prosecuted for before I started there originally"

"How did it make you feel?"

"I felt like I was being watched because I wasn't trusted. Like they were all waiting for me to mess up again"

"How is it going now?"

"I quit" I murmur "I just couldn't find the confidence, and I felt like people were waiting for me to fail, I thought I was going to fail"

"You were concerned about your abilities? You doubted yourself"

I nod "Yeah. I'm unemployed at the minute. I've had two interviews for jobs in a diner and a deli, but I got a call yesterday saying I didn't get the diner job"

"How did that make you feel?"

"Weak, stupid, hopeless, they said they need someone with more people skills!" I bite out

"You sound angry" Natalie says, which causes me to laugh

"Damn right I am. I can't believe that I can't even get a stupid job in diner!" I say, throwing my hands up in the air, exasperatedly.

"What happened to your hand?" she asks me gently, and I look at the gauze around my knuckles

"I hurt it. I punched the doorframe"

"Do you hurt yourself like that often?"

I shake my head, as a tear falls down my cheeks. I'm actually pretty pleased that I kept them at bay for so long. Natalie hands me a tissue, as I weep silently.

"Casey, do you have a support link? I notice you had someone with you outside" she presses and I smile as I look up at her

"That's Alex, my girlfriend"

"The Alex you told me about, that supervised you?" she asks and I nod, smiling sheepishly

"Yeah"

Natalie nods "Does she support you?"

I nod "Yeah, she helps me a lot. She keeps me grounded, but sometimes I push her away"

"Because…"

"I don't want to hurt her. I don't want her to be ashamed of me"

"Do you think she'd be ashamed, that she is?"

I shake my head "I know she isn't, but I just…This is the first time I've actually opened myself up to a therapist, so I find it hard to actually voice things. I just find it easier to…"

Natalie nods "I think we'll leave it there for today, I would like to see you again, and we can talk through your time in New Orleans"

"Can Alex come in next time?" I ask quietly

"I'd like to see you alone for a few sessions first. I know that she's your support but I also think that you need to talk to her in your own time, and work things out yourself first. I want you to be open with me, and I don't think you'll be able to do that if she's here" Natalie explains and I nod, I agree with her but I still wish Alex could be in here with me.

Natalie stands, as I do, and I follow her to the door "Same time Monday?"

I nod before opening the door. Alex is sitting in the chair, her eyes closed; she opens them as I step out and stands quickly.

Natalie nods her head and gives me a smile "See you Monday"

"Thank you" I say to her as she retreats back into her office.

"You okay?" Alex asks me and I nod, I'm not ready to go into detail about what we discussed. I know Alex told me I had to tell the therapist about my thoughts about suicide, but I didn't know how to bring it up. Maybe next time I will.

**If you read, please leave a review **


	21. Chapter 21

**A.N: Thank you to Butterfly2202 for the review on previous chapter.**

**It's Diane Neal's birthday today and this chapter is dedicated to her. (It's Casey's birthday in this story today too...I know her birthday isn't really in July but for purposes of this story, just go with it)**

**Enjoy :) **

**Adult content in this chapter**

Chapter 21:

"Happy birthday my beautiful girl" Alex whispers into my ear early on Sunday morning. I open my eyes, squinting at the light shining in through the window, the curtains open wide letting in the sun's rays. I see the light dancing across her pale cheeks and smile. She's beautiful.

"Hey" I murmur, attempting to sit up, but Alex touches my shoulder and gently pushes me back down before placing a kiss to my lips. I moan into it as she runs a hand through my hair, and her thigh slips between my legs. What a way to wake up!

"I love you" she says huskily into my ear, before nipping at the lobe gently, "I love you so much, can I show you just how much?"

"Please" I whisper, as she rubs her thigh into my centre, causing me to buck my hips "Jesus, if this is how one wakes on their birthday I wish it was my birthday every day"

"Shh" she says firmly, her lips crushing onto mine hungrily. I reach up to rub my hands along her back, under her light green silk chemise. Her skin is warm and soft, as she places feather light kisses along my jaw line, and down my neck. I arch my neck to give her more access, as she bites gently on the kiss, and I know, but don't care that it will leave a mark.

"Al" I murmur as she shimmies down my body, kissing the skin around my collarbone, her hands kneading my breasts. Her breathing is heavy as she whispers

"You're beautiful"

I smile and then gasp as she tugs at my top, revealing my breasts before her tongue sweeps gently over my left nipple and then my right, her teeth grazing the skin. I can feel the pulsating between my legs and it's growing uncomfortable at her teasing.

"Al please" I beg, unreservedly "I can't take much more"

Alex looks up at me grinning and I groan as I know she's not done teasing. Sure enough she slowly removes my top kissing her way down my body, over my breasts, between them and onto my stomach, my navel, alternating between kissing and licking.

She flicks the waistband of my shorts, as she rubs her hands along my legs, and grips my thighs before placing kisses along the skin.

"Alex" I groan, I feel so close and she hasn't even touched me where I so desperately need.

"Patience" she whispers as she moves up to capture my lips, I groan and moan into the kiss, completely powerless to my arousal, as it painfully builds with each touch.

She finally removes my shorts, and blows gently onto my centre, my hips bucking as she does so "Jesus" I groan, and then giggle as she licks my outer lips before kissing just above my clit.

She runs a finger along my folds and I hear her gasp "Fuck Casey, you're drenched"

I chuckle "It's you teasing me" I tell her before bucking my hips as she enters me with two fingers "Fuck"

"That feel good?" she asks as she begins a slow rhythm. I am so close and I know it won't take much to push me over the edge.

"Mmm hmmm" I murmur "I'm so close"

She thrusts a little harder before taking my clit between her teeth. I feel my whole body tensing, as she continues to work her fingers in and out of me "Come for me, baby"

Alex curls her fingers inside me, rubbing that spot inside me as she sucks hard on my clit, I bite my lip as I feel my orgasm build and then I scream out "Fuck me A, I'm gonna…"

The last word drowns itself in my cries as I shake violently, bucking my hips into her face as I crash over the edge. She continues to lick at my clit, causing me to tremble at the contact as she eases her fingers out of me.

I open my eyes to see her sucking my juices from her fingers with a grin "You taste perfect" she says huskily. I grab her waist as I pull her flush against me, before bringing her lips to mine, I can taste myself on her lips and I moan at the taste. I reach to touch her breasts but she pulls back shaking her head "You can repay me later, but today is all about you"

I smile as she kisses my forehead "Come on, get up. I've got so much planned for today"

I sit up as she climbs off the bed "I'm gonna shower quick" I say

She shakes her head, before throwing me a robe "Put that on, breakfast first and then we'll shower together"

I groan, although I feel a tingle through my body at the thought of showering with my beautiful girlfriend.

I tie the robe around myself, as she takes my hand and leads me to the kitchen. I see a platter of croissants, heart shaped pancakes, and fruit cut into tiny pieces. Alex opens the fridge and pulls out a large tub of yoghurt. "I made this last night"

I gasp as she opens the lid and I see what I guess to be natural yoghurt with chocolate chips and strawberry pieces. "You made my favourite yoghurt"

She grins at me "Sit" she orders and I comply. Alex dips a strawberry into the yoghurt and offers it to me. As I open my mouth she pulls it away before popping it into her own mouth and grinning wickedly at me "Yum"

"Hey, that's not fair!" I exclaim, reaching for my own piece of fruit but Alex slaps my hand

"Wait" she says, before picking up another strawberry and dipping it into the yoghurt

"If you tease me again, Alex" I say but Alex ignores me as she kisses my lips, I taste the yoghurt on her and as she pulls back, she pops the second strawberry into her lips before laughing

"You were saying…?"

I shake my hand and pout "You're horrible"

She laughs again "I am, am I?"

Alex picks up a piece of pancake and offers it to me, this time letting me actually eat something

"Mmm" I murmur my approval. Alex continues to feed me like this, alternating between the pancakes and fruit with the yoghurt. Every time I try and feed her, she taps my hand and shakes her head with a smile telling me that she's treating me, and ate earlier.

I can't believe that she's doing all this for me, it makes me swell with happiness and I am certain I am glowing with love for this woman.

"I love you" I tell her "You're amazing"

She grins at me, before pouring me some juice "I'd try and tip this for you, but I might spill it down you" she tells me as she stands up "Stay there"

I comply, mainly because I'm just so happy and stuck in this moment that I don't want it to end and because I'm curious as to what she's doing now.

A couple of minutes later she returns with a single red rose between her teeth and her hands concealing something behind her back. She stands in front of me and hands me a gift, before removing the rose and placing it beside me "For you. Happy Birthday baby"

I smile and lean in to place a kiss on her lips but she pulls back "Open it first"

I rip of the wrapping, and find a white box; I lift the lid and smile "It's adorable"

I lift out a little bear who is holding a red rose, wearing a pair of underwear that reads 'I love you' on it, I giggle and lean in, this time Alex lets me kiss her, but pulls back before I can deepen it.

"I've got something else for you, but first, it's shower time"

I jump of the stool, pulling her towards the bathroom eagerly.

* * *

After we made love again in the shower, or should I say, Alex made love to me (I am certain she must be aching in her lower regions, but she keeps telling me that today is my day and she'll be fine)

we head into the living room, where I notice a large banner that reads 'Happy Birthday Casey'. I smile and wrap my arms around her as she pushes me down onto the couch.

"This is present number 2" she says as she hands me an envelope. I gasp as I see two tickets to Paris, for late September. "I want to take you on vacation. I've cleared the time with Liz"

I feel tears welling in my eyes, and they begin to fall. I cannot believe this is all for me, that Alex is doing all this for me.

"Hey, baby" she says soothingly, kissing my lips "Don't cry"

"I love you" I choke out "Thank you"

She smiles at me, and kisses me deeply "I love you too, and I want to spend every day telling you, and showing you"

After a few minutes, Alex stands and pulls me up with her "Come on, we're going out"

"Where?" I ask

"I'm taking you someplace, it's a surprise" she tells me as she grabs her keys and purse from the table.

"Tell me" I beg and she laughs

"It's a surprise…so you aren't meant to know until we get there"

Alex and I walk down to her car, and she tells me to get in. I have no idea where we are going but I don't care, today has been the best day of my life so far and I'd go anywhere with Alex.

Alex drives through the streets, and I think about where we could be going, but I really do not know.

"Central Park?" I ask, as she parks the car outside the park, and she grins at me

"Come on"

She leads me from the car and we walk through the park, I wonder exactly where we are going, or what we are doing. "Alex?" I ask, I don't know why I'm nervous. I've never liked surprises all that much, and even though I know she won't do anything that I don't like, I'm still apprehensive.

"Close your eyes" she tells me quietly, as she stops "Do you trust me?"

"Yes" I answer, because it's the truth. I trust her with everything I have. I close my hands as she takes my hand, we walk for a little longer, and I resist the urge to peak.

We stop and she whispers "Keep your eyes closed"

I comply, and feel her lifting me up "Alex" I squeak and I hear her laugh

"Don't peak"

She lowers me down and then I hear her say "Open them"

I open my eyes, and burst into tears as I see trees decorated with balloons and ribbons, there's a small hammock between two of the trees and on the ground is a blanket and a picnic hamper. We are in a secluded part of the park, near the lake. Alex kisses me gently, wiping my tears away. She pulls me down to sit on her lap, leaning her chin on my shoulder as we look out across the lake.

We sit for a long time, just listening to the sounds of nature and each other's heart beats. I feel content and happy to be sitting with the woman I love, on my birthday, in such a romantic setting.

"Here" she whispers placing a long box in my hand; I open it and turn to her

"Alex?"

"Do you like it?" she asks nervously

I nod, and kiss her cheek, unable to reach her lips from the position we are in. "It's beautiful" I say

I lift the gold chain from the box, my eyes glued to the pendant hanging on the bottom. It's a large diamond drop, simple and elegant, like Alex, but so unlike me. "Open it" she tells me and I realise that it has hinges on one side.

I open it carefully and notice how there is a tiny heart shaped pendant hidden inside, I also notice an engraving on the back which reads 'Always connected'. I feel the tears escaping again, and cannot believe how much Alex has made me cry already, with happiness.

"I love it" I sob as she wipes away the tears

"I love you" she whispers as she takes the chain from my hands, and fastens it around my neck, kissing the skin gently, causing me to shiver at the contact. "You are beautiful"

After a little while longer sitting like this, she reaches out and opens the hamper, there are sandwiches, and different types of snack. She hands me a paper plate and tells me to take what I want.

We eat quietly, every now and then sharing glances at one another and smiling. I feel so loved that I don't want the day to end.

"Alex" I say quietly "This has been the best day ever. I love you"

"It's not over yet" she tells me and I smile before sighing happily. I can't wait to see what else she has planned for me.

* * *

I take a deep breath as I fasten the dress Alex had given me nearly an hour earlier. It's a simple black dress with a plunging neck line and no straps. I was a bit self conscious about my ability to hold it up as I am not too endowed in the chest area but Alex assured me I will look beautiful.

So, now I am wearing it, my hair is loose around my shoulders, and I have black heels on my feet. I have no idea where we are going, but Alex assured me that I'll love it.

"Are you ready?" she calls out from the living room

"Yeah" I answer taking another deep breath as I exit the bedroom.

"WOW" Alex exclaims and I smile shyly "I knew it would look amazing in you"

Alex looks breathtaking to me too and I tell her as much "You are stunning"

She giggles and wiggles her hips, which makes me laugh. I throw my arms around her neck and kiss her deeply "Can we stay here?" I whisper huskily, which causes her to take a deep breath, no doubt keeping her arousal in check as she pulls back

"As much as I want to, I've had this planned for days and I am not going to waste it"

I smile and allow her to lead me from the apartment.

I don't pay much to attention to where we are heading but before I know it, we have pulled up outside a large building.

"Where are we?" I ask, furrowing my brows in wonder

"Come on" she says, ignoring my question as she opens my door, and extends her hand.

We head to some large doors, and as she pushes them open I hear a loud "SURPRISE"

My mouth opens in shock as I realise that the hall is full of all my friends. I see Olivia, and all the detectives from the one six as well as Captain Cragen, Abbie and Serena. Liz and Lena Petrovsky are there as well as a few other familiar faces from the DA's office.

I wrap my arms around Alex, who leads me over to Olivia. I notice a table full of gifts, hardly believing they are all for me.

"Thank you" I whisper to Alex as we approach Olivia, who is standing next to a man I do not recognise.

"Happy Birthday Casey" Olivia says pulling me into a hug "This is Brian"

I smile at the man, who tells me it is a pleasure to meet me and I tell him likewise.

After talking to Olivia, and saying Hello to a few other people. Alex leads me to the dance floor as the music begins to play a slow song that I haven't heard before. As I look up, I notice a montage playing of photo's of me. Some I have never seen before, and some that are just so embarrassing.

"How?" I ask Alex incredulously

"I asked Olivia if she could find out some pictures of you that she had, as well as raiding the DA's Christmas yearbooks. I found your school photo's in the school library" she tells me and I shake my head

"You are just the best"

She grins at me as we continue to dance. I notice a few other couples dancing, and am shocked to see Liz and Lena looking cosy. Alex notices me looking and laughs "They're actually very good friends"

"I'd never guess" I chuckle, remembering heated discussions between them on many occasions.

After we dance, Alex announces that the buffet is open, and we take some food, and sit at a small table with Serena and Abbie who have been making out like teenagers since we arrived. Abbie had finally confessed her love for the blonde and I for one was glad, as I had noticed the way they were together and knew that they both had feelings for one another.

"Can you guys stop sucking each other's faces?" Alex asks, causing both women to stop there make out session to poke out their tongues before continuing.

I laugh and Alex groans "Hey" I say "If you can't stop them, join them"

Alex captures my lips with hers and I smile, wrapping my arms around her neck as she stands "You wanna go?" she asks

I pull pack, wide eyed "It's my birthday party!"

She laughs at my shock "I want to make love to you"

"This place has toilets?" I ask in a whisper and its Alex's turn to look appalled

"Casey!"

"What?" I murmur

"I can't just fuck you in the toilets, any one could hear"

I laugh and shake my head "I wasn't serious. Let's just stay for a little longer"

Alex groans as she pulls me onto her lap, I look across, expecting to see Serena and Abbie still lip locking, but instead they are both blushed and wide eyed "I can't believe you two" Abbie drawls in her Texan accent and I groan, I can't believe they heard that exchange between Alex and I.

Alex laughs as she kisses my neck "You're jealous"

Serena laughs and shakes her head "I have my own queen of the bed sheets"

I can't help but laugh aloud at Serena's words. What an evening, this is turning out to be. What a day!

**Please review.**


	22. Chapter 22

**A.N: I've been really busy the last few days. It was my birthday yesterday, so it's been hectic and work has been draining and busy as well. What with Christmas coming up and all the birthdays in between as well. Sunday is one of my nephews birthday (He'll be 11), then next week its my best friends's birthday. And in December it's another friends birthday and then another one of my nephews birthday (He'll be 3)...so it's all go. **

**Therefore, I haven't had time to write, and that means that this chapter is really short. I do apologise, but I am trying my best. I don't want to leave it too long before I update, but it may only be short chapters until things calm down. **

Chapter 22:

"Do you have to go?" I asked Alex early the next morning as the alarm disturbed us both.

"You know I do Case" Alex tells me, and I can feel myself welling with emotion. Yesterday was an amazing day, and I was so disappointed it had to end. I love Alex so much, and sometimes I need her to just be with me.

"I know…I-I just" I begin, the first tear slipping from my eye as I hastily wipe it away turning my head as I do so "Just go"

Alex pulls me close to her as she sighs "Casey, baby. What's wrong?"

I shake my head, as I sob into her shoulder. I don't know how to explain it, because it makes no sense to me. I'm just coming down from an amazing high. And I have to see the therapist today. Alex has to be in court this morning, so I'm making my second trip alone. I guess its many things just sensitising my emotions.

"Case, I know you're upset about something, but I really need to be in early" she says quietly, which causes a fresh round of tears to fall as I pull away from her.

Turning over I manage to croak out "I know. Go"

"You'll be okay won't you?" she asks with concern. I nod into the pillow as I feel the bed rise as she climbs out her side "I love you Case" she whispers, placing a kiss on my cheek.

* * *

"Casey, how are you?" Natalie asks and I shrug my shoulders. Something I've really tried not to do but at times like this, that part of me becomes more noticeable and frequent.

"Do you want to tell me what's happened since we last spoke?"

I sigh and run my hand through my hair "It was my birthday yesterday" I say

"Happy Birthday" Natalie smiles at me

"Thanks" I offer with a small smile

"Was it a good day?"

I feel a bigger smile approach my lips as I nod "Alex had the whole day planned. She made me breakfast, and we went to central park. She decorated the trees with balloons and things and we had a picnic and then she'd organised a surprise party"

"Sounds like she really made it special for you"

I nod and smile "It was"

"How are you now?" she asks and my smile fades as I shrug again. "Tell me what you're feeling"

"I don't know. Alex had to work today, so she couldn't come with me. I just feel really weak and dependant and I hate it"

Natalie nods, while scribbling notes in her notebook "Why do you feel like that?"

"If I knew I'd be able to change it!" I snap before sighing "Sorry"

"You're angry"

"Great observation skills" I mutter, folding my arms and leaning back into the chair. I don't want to talk. I'm fed up of talking and getting nowhere.

"Do you get angry often?" she asks, but I won't answer, or even look at her. "Do I make you angry?"

I don't want to talk, and I wish she'd just shut up.

"Does Alex make you angry? Are you angry because she had to work?"

That's the final straw. I am not angry at Alex, not at all. And for her to ask me that…

"Alex is perfect. She's smart, courageous, strong, and intelligent, she's kind and caring. She loves me and she looks after me, and she's everything to me!" I shout, jumping up from the couch and pacing the room

"Casey, calm down"

"I am calm!" I scream "I am fucking calm!"

"Casey" Natalie says quietly, which causes me to shout

"What!? What do you want me to say? That I'm angry at myself, that I wish I wasn't here, that I wish someone would just end it now or give me the fucking courage to do it myself?!"

I'm crying now, and my whole body is shaking with emotion. I sink into the chair, curling my knees to my chest as I rock back and forth.


	23. Chapter 23

**Thank you to Madds21 for your continued support of this story.**

**I never intended for it to take the direction it has, it was meant to be a happier and more upbeat story of Casey's life once returning from censure. I guess that as I base Casey from myself a lot, that I've added my own struggles when they've arisen, and that's why it careered off into the direction it has.**

**I want to keep this going until the end, and Casey isn't anywhere near back to her old self but by the end of this chapter, and I am sorry it is another short one, but by the end, she realises something important, which I hope will draw this story to a close in a few more chapters. **

Chapter 23:

I don't recall Natalie calling Alex, I don't recall being held down to stop myself from lashing out. But the moment I feel Alex's arms around my waist and her soothing voice, my anger turns to embarrassment, and the emotion pours out through body shaking sobs.

"Hey" Alex says quietly into my ear "Let it out baby, whatever it is, let it go"

"I'm sorry" I sob as Alex pulls me into her lap on the couch, her arms still firmly wrapped around me

I am not aware of Natalie watching this scene unfold, I am barely aware of anything except for Alex and the tears.

"Don't apologise Case" Alex whispers "Just talk to me"

"I'm sorry" I sob again and I feel Alex take a deep breath and let it out slowly as she sighs

"I know" she tells me, as she places a kiss on my forehead. "What happened?" she asks and as I look up at her Natalie speaks

"I'll leave you two to talk for a minute" she says as she slips out of the door. I take a deep breath, my surroundings and the events coming into recognition. I see the concern and worry etched into Alex's features and I shake my head

"I'm sorry she called you"

Alex places her hands firmly on each of my shoulders a she pulls back to look at me, her eyes locked on mine "I'd rather be here with you than in my office if you're struggling"

I shake my head "I'm okay" I say, attempting to smile

"No, you're not Case. I don't know how to help you, but something is bothering you, getting to you. I was so frightened seeing you like that, having to be held down to stop yourself from hurting yourself, or someone else"

"I'm so…." I start to say but Alex places a finger on my lips

"I know, just talk to me please"

I shrug my shoulders "I don't know what to say"

"Just tell me what you're feeling, why you got so worked up. I could see you were upset this morning, I should have called in and reaped the consequences"

I shake my head quickly "No Alex, you're job is important"

"It will never be as important as you Casey. I'm sorry I didn't see you were hurting this much" she says. I feel bad that she feels the need to apologise, I am not angry at her and I don't blame her for having to work.

"Alex, don't…everything was just flitting through my head is all. Yesterday Al, it was the best day I've ever had, it was such a high, such a great day that I guess coming down from that was harder than I thought. I never told Natalie about the thoughts on Suicide last time, it never came up but today, it's the only thing I could think about"

I can see the concern and the sadness in Alex's eyes, as a tear escapes "You wanted to…after yesterday?"

I shake my head rapidly, as I pull her in for a hug "No! I didn't want to do anything like that, and I still don't. I'm saying, it was a thought, I was thinking about it, and what I'd do and what I'd write if I left a note. I'm not going to do it; I was just having these crazy thoughts"

"Why did you not tell me?" she asks and I sigh

"I didn't want to worry you, I didn't want to admit it to myself" I whisper

Sometimes it's hard to admit things, it's hard to actually say them because then it makes it real. Sometimes I just feel like I need to get away, but I have no idea how to do it without being drastic.

"Oh Casey" Alex says quietly, and I can hear her compassion, and her own tears in her voice

"Don't get upset, please Al. I need you to be strong for me, don't cry" I tell her, squeezing her into the embrace. I can feel her heart beating against mine; it's comforting "I love you"

"I love you too" she says before taking a deep breath and pulling back "Casey, How can I help?"

"I don't know" I say honestly. I have no idea what is going to help. I am so unsure of myself and everything that I really have no idea what to do

Alex just nods her head as she leans back against the couch, the distance between us now frightening me a little.

"Al" I say quietly "Don't leave me"

"Hey" she says firmly, looking straight at me "I'll never leave you, ever okay?"

I nod my head "I'm sorry"

"I wish you would stop apologising. You've done nothing wrong, it's perfectly natural to cry, and feel down sometimes, it's perfectly okay to have these moments and you don't have to apologise for feeling anything" she says sternly "Look at me"

I look into Alex's eyes and she smiles "I love you, more than anything. I will do whatever it takes to make you better, to get the old Casey back. We can find you again, because I know, you're in there. I saw the Casey I met all those years ago yesterday; you were in your element, strong and passionate"

It's at that moment, that with Alex, I feel safe, stronger, in control. Maybe I don't need to find the old Casey; I just need to find a stronger one that is here right now.

**Sorry again that its another short one. **


	24. Chapter 24

**So, I decided that I'd draw this one to a close so this is the final chapter, set 2 weeks after the previous. I know I veered off my intended course with this one and that it took a darker turn than intended. I also know that some of you were unhappy about that and thought that I made Casey a little OTT and I agree, however I was battling my own demons and my own therapy sessions were taking a toll on me and my mind-set. I'm finally getting into a happier place and that's why I chose to end this here, and continue with my more upbeat fics.**

**Thank you to those that did read and review. **

**Epilogue:**

2 Weeks Later

I give the young woman in front of me a kind smile, as she finishes telling me her circumstances. She's homeless after being unable to pay rent due to leaving work after being sexually assaulted. It's hard to listen to these people I meet but I'm finding it rather rewarding.

After my breakdown in therapy a couple of weeks ago, Alex took me home and we talked through some of the things that concerned me and upset me. We talked more about my time in New Orleans, and Alex told me stories about witness protection.

I saw Natalie every day, and Alex took me to each session, and I called her when I finished, we'd discuss what I talked about and together we worked out strategies to help me when I was getting down, or panicky about something. I had been thinking about voluntary work until I felt I was strong enough to go through the interview process, and look for something more permanent. Alex had assured me that she earns enough and had enough savings to keep us both financially stable for as long as I needed.

So here I am, sitting in a small room, listening to a woman explain how she needed somewhere to stay. I was part of a small team that set up accommodation for men and women who had falling into hard times after an assault of whichever kind. I often met people that Alex had helped, and that was rewarding too.

"Casey, Alex is waiting outside" Anna told me as she poked her head through the door "I told her you were just with a client, and she said she'd wait"

"Thank you" I smiled at her and turned back to the woman in front of me "Sorry about that, so I was just about to say that we can help with your payments and set you up with some accommodation. If you give me a few minutes, I'll just get someone to help you feel out these forms"

After I had the woman settled with Melanie, I headed outside to meet Alex.

"Hey" she said with a smile "You all ready?"

I nodded as I gave her a small hug "How's your day been?" I asked

She shrugged her shoulders "It's been okay, quiet but I can't wait to get home"

I laugh as Alex yawns, and she joins in "It's nice to see you laugh Case, you're doing okay, aren't you?"

I know Alex still worries about me, and I can't say that everything is back to how it should be or that I'm perfectly fine, but it's getting there. I try and talk to her as much as possible but between my therapy and work, I just want to relax and forget about things for a while.

"Yeah, I'm better" I tell her "Therapy was good today"

She gives me a smile as I take her hand "I'm proud of you"

I nod my head as we exit the building, we've taken to walking home of an evening once she's picked me up. It's nice to feel the air in the city, and chat about random things.

Olivia once told me, and Alex has told me too that everyone is a somebody and I am finally started to believe them.


End file.
